Label maker

August 8, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

There are times when I feel like my husband is a robot and I’ll have to change his batteries ever so often. Whenever I’m in a huff he tells me not take it personally. This is when I look at him, Mr. heterosexual, tall, white male and raise my eyebrows. I remind him that for some of us it is sometimes personal. When you are a racialized female with a small stature, your reality is not always so black and white. It’s not particularly shocking. He grew up in an affluent neighbourhood in Toronto, participated in athletics, played hockey and attended some of the best schools in the country. It’s not his fault that life has been pretty easy and that the world is sometimes his oyster.

People forget how transparent they really are. Why do you think we take such pleasure in reading each other and ascribing characteristics? We are all walking around with invisible post-it notes with credentials, education, beauty and desirability. We just hope that people pick-up on the labels that we value most. The reality is that the signals always get crossed and everyone is interpreting those messages with their own biases. It’s a game that no one wins.

If we viewed the world so negatively I don’t think anyone would get out of bed. What would be the point? I would rather frame this process more positively. Wasn’t there a point when we were younger that we actually took pleasure in games? When you couldn’t get your coat on fast enough and recess was never long enough? If we return to this type of exuberance I think the social transactions become more open. So what if someone misinterpreted you, you probably did the same to the gentleman three persons ago. My husband is partly correct in telling me to shake it off. These slings and arrows are never going to go away so it might be best to get a thicker skin. I’m not saying become hard. I’m just saying that these inconveniences just come with the territory. If someone doesn’t like you, go talk to someone else.

By the ounce

August 6, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

You will never care what others think more than when you’ve had a child. The tendency to let other people influence you is usually kept in check for most other aspects of our life. But when it comes to parenting it does not let up. You’re lucky if it becomes background music and not a blaring noise. This is one instance when you hope for the Kenny G. You know those mothers who pretend that they have it all together? They are in even more trouble than the rest of us.

So why it is that we let those opinions impact the way we behave? I have a colleague named C whose son is a similar age to mine. Entering the twos I was describing all of these strategies that I’m using to counter the potential for emotional melt downs. I explained that I have a low threshold for humiliation. She laughed and said, she doesn’t, that she’d probably be rolling around on the floor with him. I loved it. She realized that I was more afraid of the people’s stares and judgements than the actual act of picking my son off of the grocery store floor. I was afraid to be deemed a terrible mother.

But you know what, I’m not a terrible mother and neither are you. Of course there are times when we are not at our finest, when we’re tired, grumpy or slightly bored. But most of us are trying our very best with the lot that we’ve been given. As mothers you’re programmed and pressured to internalize all of the advice and criticisms thrown at you. But the bearers of this enlightenment are not the ones raising your kid so try to turn them into elevator music and choose which suggestions are constructive. I hope by the time my son is ten the racket will barely be a whisper.

It all begins in the delivery room. Birth announcements cheerfully advertise the birth weight and apparently larger numbers are the goal. That one’s worth as a parent begins with an eight pound baby. When I first saw my son’s crying face I thought he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I could not stop crying. It was only when people started to visit and worried that he was too “small” that the doubts began. He was a healthy weight considering that he was born two weeks early and the tests all demonstrated that he was in great condition. But see, you lose sight of all that as soon as society enters your hospital room. Then the doctor’s visits every three days begin and you start counting the ounces like everything depends on it. All of these measures exist to ensure the safety and well-being of the child but we’re conditioned to attribute the emotional toll as part of motherhood. That you just have to buck up. And of course supplementing your child is frowned upon. Nursing is not easy but you know what’s harder? The guilt they lay on you when you want other options to support the breastfeeding. My mother tried to reassure me and I pretended not to worry. I said that babies become men so I was fine. If only I actually believed my words. He is now a solid two year old and I feel silly for tying myself into knots before. But for any mother currently in those first few months, I just want to say, you are doing a great job. You are beautiful. Keep on keepin’ on.

Sartorial

August 1, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

At the age of 15 my cousin K asked pointblank if I wanted to look dirty or good. This was during the grunge-phase of the mid nineties when everyone bought from thrift shops and actually compromised aspects of their personal hygiene for the sake of style. I thought about it and decided on the latter.

My relationship with fashion has always been touch and go. There were definite points in my past when I wondered if it was a phase and actually not worth spending that much time or money on. You know how many girls goes through a horse or ballet phase when their bedroom walls and dear diaries are plastered with these images? Well, I’ve come to the realization that working on one’s style is not like admiring a ballerina or a thoroughbred. It’s a life-long project that can be one of the most meaningful ones that you take on.

I never understood why people need an entourage to shop. I’ve always preferred to shop alone. It stems from the fact that after decades of trial and error I know which stores work best with the strengths of my body. I’m also particular about the quality of the products because I mostly choose classic pieces that I hope will last me several years. Therefore, I am often able to spend 30 minutes on a trip because I enter a total of 3 stores and do not even look at others. I guess you could classify this as being rigid and it’s true, I won’t discover new looks as easily. I rather frame it as not wasting my time when something works so well already. Now, this comes back to why I do not bring companions. Most people do not shop with a time clock. I also believe that fashion is all about how you carry yourself. That’s why when you’re more self-conscious about your body, looking in the mirror can be a trying experience. But, if you feel that you’ve chosen a piece that reflects who you are then you will feel beautiful, be beautiful. No one needs to support that type of feeling because it comes from within.

Now, this is what makes sartorial approaches so enjoyable. Other parts of caring for our appearance aren’t always the most pleasant. No one likes to visit their waxist but many of us still take that long walk. But with fashion, it’s an ongoing project where you get to choose and strategize. It’s beautiful.

We never work alone on these endeavours but instead constantly draw from the social world. Since my cousin’s pertinent enquiry I’ve been inspired by the New England aesthetic of clean lines and preppy conventions. I still believe in the simplicity of this approach but currently am inspired more by the French style. It’s less puritanical. If you’ve read any of my other posts I’m sure you don’t find this particularly surprising. The lines are still there but they are cut more precisely and offer a bit more bold playfulness. An example of a store that provides this look is “Club Monaco.” I’m pretty sure that every article of clothing this company produces is sewn by little fairies or magic mice. They are out of this world. So slip into something that allows you to take on the often heavy notes in this life, something that will give you the confidence to face it all with grace.

Clean

July 30, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

For awhile now my goal has been to deal with life in simpler terms. Too bad, so sad, move on. There is something very clean about not making a fuss and finding something else to do. But rarely does hurt get compartmentalized so easily. Our hearts do not contain an attic where you tuck away your issues and junk, never to be seen again. It always resurfaces and often at the most inconvenient times when you really want to just be over it. Why do you think there are particular steps to grieving? It’s because we as humans are not wired for clean breaks.

The most common and difficult type of loss comes in the form of death. This is when there are no take-backs and we are forced to come to terms with that hole left in our lives. When I reached my late teens I started mentally preparing for losing my grandparents. You must think that it’s very strange for someone in that life phase, which is usually when most are preoccupied with relationships, sex and cigarettes, why I would be so morbid. I don’t think I was macabre, I just knew that I would need a long lead up to not fall apart when it actually happened. Because you see, my grandparents were the two best people in the world. They helped to raise me and were the ones I looked up to the most. I’ve spoken a lot of my grandmother and her radiance, but my grandfather was also very special. He was one of the good men, a gentleman. His values made him kind and he treated every single person with respect. He also loved his family dearly and was the centre of so many lives. When I started to recognize their mortality I started to detach and with every succeeding visit I engaged with them less. It’s like I was afraid to make more memories, which would make what comes later more painful. Basically I was a big jerk and I would not recommend this to anyone. Enjoy people fully while they are still here and love the one you’re with. It’s one regret I have to carry with me always.

The worst thing you can do is not mourn properly and to let go when you’re not ready. In our society being sad is made to be a pathology, but you know what, when you lose someone it’s okay to cry loudly and hard. Now, dwelling is very different from grieving. I would just say to feel as much as you need to and then try your best to move on. They’re no longer here but I guarantee that they do want you to be happy. And real sadness behaves much like a wave. Occasionally you’ll be on the bus or about to mail a letter and there will be a trigger. Perhaps you see a flower they liked or smell their cologne. Often tears will reach your eyes but it’s ok. It’s ok to remember how much you loved them. It’s probably at these moments that they are thinking of you too.

Onwards

July 28, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

It’s when you start to dismantle your life that it becomes stripped to the bare bones. Suddenly words such as “house,” “car,” “food” appear in bold at the top of pages like puzzles ready to be solved. I’m famous for buying notebooks whenever I need to get something done. Usually they have inspirational quotes or pictures of places I’d rather be. So basically, super corny motivators that I stuff into boxes or behind shelves when I have company. Now, if I actually completed all of the tasks proposed inside the pages I would have invented Facebook. Cue the eerie but emotionally stirring Trent Reznor score. I’m teasing, but it’s funny how we all find ways to cope with tasks that we would rather not take on. These stark representations on your to-do list demonstrate not only how built up your current life is but how much will change when you have to start again. It’s also slightly disconcerting how easy it is to lose all of the weight, to travel light.

The logistics of it all is not particularly interesting and borders on the dull. You start to sell books, records and any extraranous material that you literally cannot carry anymore. It’s almost symbolic of the baggage you wish to leave behind and you become more careful to not accumulate too much till you’re good and settled, if that even ever happens.

When you begin on a new path you are no longer tethered to commitments and are beholden to fewer individuals. With the shrinking of your network the support obviously decreases but there is also the exhilarating potential for new friends, new schedules, new lives. It’s essential to frame this all as a fresh start because it can be disconcerting to lose those whom you’re most comfortable with. You enjoy their company because the guesswork of trying to connect with someone new does not exist. But it is also a way to be freed of stifling expectations and your life is more on your own terms again. You determine the PR for this round of press because those embarrassing stories do not exist, well not yet anyways.

Major life changes are always the master of taking away those minutes and hours and suddenly it’s time to go. I believe that we are not fearful of the change itself more than the spaces that were once inhabited by those who made you think and laugh. However embarrassing, the word “friends” should definitely be devoted a page of its own next to other tasks to get done. This page can help you determine clubs or other social networks that you’d like to try. You don’t expect it but over time and very organically those gaps fill and you suddenly have a very full life, much like your old one. I promise.

Just desserts

July 24, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

“Revenge is a dish best served cold.” Funny statement for an act that is fuelled completely by hate. There is nothing cold about it and gets you nowhere good.

When you’ve matured as an individual you recognize that hissy fits are not the way to go. Even if you can barely be still from the anger, you just breathe and try to remain silent. This is the smart choice because your words grant them power to use against you and especially in North America you can’t be weak. There’s also the issue of professionalism. This practice attempts to compartmentalize your life into separate spheres. I’m not suggesting that they’re mutually exclusive, especially when you’re a woman, but it’s sometimes beneficial to prevent them from bleeding into one another. Your professional and personal life, for many of us are not the same thing. Being professional means that you try your best to show up.

I recently worked for a professor whom I admire in so many ways and detest in others. She’s a firecracker, speaks her mind and is obviously intelligent. Now there were moments this summer when I did not communicate enough with her and she articulated her disappointment. This is well within her rights as a course director. Constructive criticism is an integral part of life and the workplace. We continually need to improve and I’ve learnt to prevent this misstep next time. I am better and that’s so valuable. Now, what I did was nothing too egregious, just needed to send her some more emails.

It’s not the message I have a problem with, it’s the method. After my sincere apology, she does not let me explain the context of my actions but rather cut off the discussion because she “doesn’t want to fight about it.” Excuse me? Are we sixteen here? Also, rather than address the issue when it actually occurred she waited till the last day of class. With all of her concerns with my level of professionalism, apparently hers are not placed under the same exacting standards. This did not sit well with me, especially when she accused me of one act I did not commit. For someone who speaks about such lofty ideals like women’s rights and multiple perspectives she certainly does not walk the walk. What a complete hypocrite. She may be smart but she is not nice.

I’ve thought of speaking to her superiors but my position is limited because I did make some errors. It’s also not worth my time to take on a 50 year old adjunct professor. What am I going to do? Ask them to make her nicer? I’m not deluded to thinking that all individuals were raised to practice courtesy. This is not the first instance of her erratic behaviour. The sarcasm and tone with which she addresses students is explicit and vast. It’s clear that she uses her position as a professor to subordinate and infantalize them and in front of a lecture hall of 125 people nonetheless. We are not her children and it’s not within her rights to make us feel small. Her evaluations will reflect this conduct so why would I lodge one complaint when there will be several. There are always consequences to your actions. She will be served but not by me.

In spite of this one instance this was the best teaching experience I had in grad school. The students were so engaged, hardworking and kind. I will always remember them.

But I choose so speak up here, in my personal sphere. I only have one thing left to say to the Dr., whom with all luck I will never have to see again: stay classy.

University Ave

July 21, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

The first thing I would tell Marina Keegan, author of “The opposite of loneliness” is that she’s fucking talented. I also want to apologize for calling her “Monica” when I tried to share her work on Facebook. But I can never tell her this through correspondence or in person because she died at the age of 22 in a car accident. It’s always so tragic when someone with gifts and promise passes away. So many of us have gifts and promise. Thankfully she has left her legacy through her work. She will be evergreen. Marina, whom her former professor described as: “brilliant, kind and idealistic; I hope I never forget that she was also fierce, edgy, and provocative” was a riot. Apparently “if you wanted a smooth ride, Marina wasn’t your vehicle.” She probably would not care that I butchered her name. Wherever she is she’s too busy feeling, writing about it and having a grand ole time.

The woman pictured below is not Marina Keegan and I’m not sure of her identity because I got the photograph from Tumblr. But I feel like she reflects Marina’s spirit, her exuberance. What’s special about Keegan’s work is that she wrote about a time that all of us would die to get back. When things were so raw, urgent and everything was vested with meaning. We lived for those glorious, messy nights when we were reckless and felt that we were invincible. We wanted to connect with the right one, the wrong one, anyone. But who knew that growing up would come so soon and that responsibilities and promises would burden us with some weight. The big girl pants are great but can fit a bit tight. It’s when you feel the most confined that you long for those years when you were completely free. When we literally vibrated with excitement and all of the possibilities were palpable. I don’t wish back the puke in my hair or the complete emotional annihilation from the boy I could have truly loved. But we were so lucky. We had Queen’s to allow us to figure out the angles, to step up and choose the identity to take forward. I don’t want to go back, fuck I’m so much wiser, but cannot help but smile when I think of you, and it all. Thanks, it was fun.

Faith

July 14, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Isn’t there a saying that if you want to keep friends you don’t talk about religion or politics? Well, I’m surprised that I have any friends at all if this is the case. Technically I am a Buddhist, practically my religion lies in theory and common sense.

A fortune teller once told me that I had “stolen” someone’s spouse in a last life and that’s what I’m paying for now. Firstly, I’m pretty sure that romantic entanglements require participation from both parties. Secondly, it does not surprise me in the least that I was a shit-disturber in my past life. That’s what I appreciate about Buddhism. There are consequences to your behaviour but there are also opportunities to try to be better the next time around. There isn’t forgiveness and you have to pay your dues. This is very comforting to someone with my temperament who gets into many a situation purely because of my need to know and feel. It makes me think a bit more before I act.

Buddhists precepts also promote the concept of impermanence. Inaccurate interpretations suggest that this is a way of withdrawing from the world. I disagree. I believe it’s just a tool to interact with society in a calm, balanced and composed way. Attachment and favouring your ego can cause unnecessary pain because it instills a fear of the unknown. When you give into uncertainty and reconcile with the fact that both pleasure and pain eventually subsides, everything is more bearable.

When all religions are wiped clean of all of the self-righteous excuses to define the “other” they are all beautiful. What is better than a set of codes to help cultivate kindness and be held accountable for your actions? It’s the extremists who scare the living daylights out of me. When you interpret scripture for the purposes of control and dominance you are doing no favors. You can keep your exclusive club membership because I don’t want it. I will not give you the satisfaction by admitting that I somehow need to be saved.

Religion also helps you make meaning when theory ends, when even Foucault could not help explain the causes. It helps you cope with the childhood cancers, grandparents starving five year olds, war and thirteen year old girls being raped and thrown off of moving trains. It helps you face the heavy, twisted shit that makes you cold and sick. When you are baffled how people and life can be so cruel.

I subscribe to the belief that an open heart is the most important tool for life. The Dalai Lama in “The Art of Happiness” helps to articulate this strategy. He provides examples of how different religions would approach certain predicaments. They are all valid and equal in his eyes. This type of flexibility is so needed in our present world when we are all about safeguarding countries and putting up walls. Fluidity provides more opportunities to listen, and with that at least there are more opportunities to learn.

Catalysts and math

July 11, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Whenever a production company is trying to sell a movie they start throwing around words like “chemistry,” “undeniable,” “connection.” Nine out of ten times it will work because it is the catnip for us romantics. Now, don’t play shy, you know it’s irresistible when you see it in your office, the grocery store, the parking lot. I know that you smile. So when it is available for public consumption? There is nothing better.

I highly doubt that it’s just smoke and mirrors. You can’t fake chemistry. You either have it or you don’t and some pairings work so well. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart come to mind, whatever you have to say about their former open-relationship and bisexual arrangement. I don’t know why anyone’s surprised. Rules are not always the smart choice in hollyweird where they pay the bills by kissing and pretending to love other people. How many conventional relationships do you think exist there? Who’s to say these arrangements are any less healthy than our “normal” relationships?

But returning to the topic of chemistry it can destabilize many foundations but that doesn’t mean that a relationship or commitment will result from it. I think after they’ve done it for a few years, actors just attribute that strong emotional connection to character bleed and move on. Have you ever seen a behind the scenes look? Couples are not formed in that awkward studio with those giant microphones. They are created in whisperings in trailers when they are “rehearsing” far from their families, responsibilities and home. I also think they recognize that this artificial environment and the feelings felt there do not always stand up in the daylight. The soft glow of the fantasy cannot withstand the glare of everyday life. There are exceptions of course. Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet have a beautiful friendship post-Titantic. She even wears a plain gold band from him, engraved with a message, underneath her wedding ring. I reiterate, rules don’t exist the same way for celebrities with all of that wealth and freedom to choose. Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz also returned to their former lives and gave it another go, before realizing that they actually wanted to be with each other. So they cut the ties, wed and returned to living very private lives. Sometimes you can’t get it out of your system, and you’re not meant to.

The catalyst aspect of these chemical reactions is what fascinates me. Because some never begin, others die out while a rare few will survive. These are just questions because I don’t believe that there are well-formed answers as to why this happens. They just do. In December I was marking mid-terms at the public library. I was amongst the entire student body of North Toronto CI who were pretending to study. Now if the chatter wasn’t distracting enough there were two “friends” helping each other out with Calculus. I put the label in quotations because everything associated with the beginning was right there: the flirting, the leaning, the laughing. God, I felt like I was 17 again. Then his girlfriend showed up. And I was like, oh, it’s that grey zone. When she kept looking over with concerned looks I felt badly, because I thought, honey, I’m sorry but I’m not sure you’re going to like how this story gets played out. One of her guy friends even gave me a knowing look. Everyone at the table knew. Sure enough, two months ago I was leaving the library and guess who are now a couple? Calculus friends.

Chemistry can blow. I felt badly for the ex. But the new couple was cute.

Superlatives

July 9, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 3 Comments

My husband and I came to the conclusion that we are slightly repulsed when couples call each other “honey.” I personally would rather have my partner say nothing to me at all than to refer to me as any type of food or condiment. Upon reflection we just realized that every couple has a style and that particular one was not ours. And that’s cool, it’s all good. But as per usual fashion I could not leave it alone. Why do I cringe at these affirmations?

Taking apart these types of questions is best done by someone with fresh eyes. I mean, can anyone really see themselves clearly? But, my best friend is moving across country, I’m not exactly about to ask her and her undergrad Psychology degree to sort this out. So, my prognosis is that I just like emotionally distant men. It’s almost for the sake of survival because my biggest nightmare lies in the form of bondage, and not the good kind. What’s worse than complete and utter emotional suffocation? Overbearing individuals. So it works. When I spot one I just usually run in the opposite direction.

But how did I get here? It’s Psychology 101 that relationships with different men in my life have shaped these preferences. I also attribute it to popular culture. My father continually teases me about this, but there is this figure skating movie that I’ve seen a total of twenty times, if not more. In The Cutting Edge two individuals from vastly different backgrounds and socio-economic classes are paired together to try to win Olympic Gold. I’m pretty sure this is why I always want on-screen couples and business partners to fall in love. They are both driven, competitive and the sexual tension is instantaneous. D.B. Sweeney is a gruff, meat and potatoes type of guy who likes hockey, winning and that’s about it. An injury has ended his career in the NHL and skating with Kate (Moira Kelly, my first girl-crush), an intelligent, snarky and wealthy figure skater is his last option, well other than working construction. And so their journey begins and they have this junior school playground interaction that you know behind closed doors is so hot. It’s fabulous. But there are so many obstacles in the way: fiancees, careers, misunderstandings, other figure skaters, the toe pick. It all comes to a head when a certain element is missed, words are spoken and with the chance that they may never see each other again, ta-da, they express their love for each other. And right before skating their program too. If only life was this simple. I swear, movies like this are fun but do nothing for people’s romantic illusions. If only the high school musicals spent 40 minutes showing people doing homework. You know what though, I rather that my heart remain tender. I want to believe that relationships and friendships can be glorious upheavals. That they can transform you. So did this film influence my desire to be with a reserved man? Check. Did I marry someone who plays hockey? Check. My husband reads more than the film’s star but he will never call me a natural sweetener and that, my friends, is a relief.