Do us part

October 9, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

It’s not particularly novel or cutting-edge to depict the dangers of marriage in popular culture. It’s actually a service to society that the prevalence of domestic violence is brought to light. Sadly they have a lot of material to work from. To honor the release of the film Gone Girl, which I hope is infinitely better than the novel, I am going to feature two thrillers that are working within this genre.

There is a spoiler so skip over the next paragraph if you want to wait. Actually, the whole post is a spoiler. Stop here please if you want to wait. Seriously.

I’ll get to the critique right off the bat. The sad reality is that bullies on the playground sometimes grow up to be weak men who push around their wives. But as soon as a writer creates a character like Amy who pushes back, she is of course absolutely crazy. I’m not denying that she is, just that real-life women who are trying to leave emotionally and verbally abusive relationships are not one or the other, a weakling or a psychopath. Adultery and never growing up are forms of emotional abuse in my books, Amy just goes way out of line for her just desserts. The useful lesson from Gillian Flynn’s best-seller is to bring attention to the fact that women are not the only victims. There is a reason why it’s called “spousal” abuse.

Another fighter is Christine in SJ Watson’s “Before I go to sleep.” I read this book when we first moved to Massachusetts, in an empty condo with a sleeping child and my husband at work. It scared the living daylights out of me to say the least. Silence is not your best friend in these situations. Christine is desperately trying to piece together her life after a horrific accident where she suffered severe memory loss. Each morning she wakes up and cannot reclaim her short-term memory. This results in her husband being a stranger and her telling herself that she is in love with him. I’m not going to give much else away because it’s just too good to spoil. Lets just say that something is not quite right and you too will be as desperate as her to figure out the “truth”.

Both novels also address the power of memory and how it’s very much shaped by context. If you lost all those fragments tomorrow and had to rely on other people telling you the significance, just imagine how meaningless it would become. It also reminds us how much we mediate on what we remember and change it. There is no absolute truth and that’s what creates such a chasm between Amy, Christine and their sleaze bags husbands. I think this is a great lesson here on how unhappy you can become if you put so much weight on making memories and capturing the happiness. Sure, joy is meaningless when it’s not shared but being able to live for yourself would also make your life more sane and manageable. Amy’s problem is that she is clueless to her own flaws. Nick not remembering some random outing does not a thoughtless bastard make. Probably gives some perspective to our own idiosyncrasies non? To try to see the forest for the trees?

Fabulous

October 8, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

A part of me feels that fashion articles are redundant because the concept of personal style is, well, personal. But I am the first to clamber over advice on how to dress, especially if it is being peddled by French women. Guiding principles never hurt anybody. Do I believe that everyone has their own fashion sense? Yes. Do I think they always look good? No. But it’s not my opinion that matters, it’s your own.

With my interest in sartorial culture I have learnt a thing or two. So here are a couple of my strategies on defining what works for you:

1. Look

I’m always looking at fashion blogs, images and items to be purchased online. I do this for two reasons: I love beautiful things and I want to train my eye. I want to decisively pick items that could work in several different combinations and builds on what I currently own. Know what’s in your closet and maximize their value by changing things up and using them again.

2. Listen…

to your gut. Pulling off that outfit is all about how you carry yourself so if you feel like a million bucks chances are that someone will think so too. But wear those clothes mostly for yourself and keep it real. When I gained my freshmen 15+ during undergrad I was in denial and kept on buying the smaller sizes. Trust, it does not help the muffin top to have your jeans be a corset. Accept the larger number and do what feels right for you. Do you want to be smaller? Great. Do you love the curves? Perfect. Just own it.

3. Don’t be a fashion plate.

I buy quality items and they are classic, clean and minimal. They are often in neutral shades because I have a high aversion to looking like a table cloth. Simplicity never gets old. The very worst street style images consist of individuals who have adopted every current trend in one outfit. They’ll have the high bun, running shoes, leather tote, larger watch and fedora. All at once. It’s too much. Stagger out the fabulousness.

4. But be yourself.

This past summer I asked my husband for his opinion about an outfit and he said “well at least it doesn’t have holes in them.” I’m lucky in that I rarely have intervene when it comes to his appearance. He’s fashionable and having his tall, lean, strong build does not hurt either. So I love that I have a partner in crime when it comes to these things. Do I agree with his opinion about distressed jeans? No, because I like them.

5. Be reflexive.

Even when it comes to personal style I ask the social motivation behind it. Hmm, how do I say this with political correctness in mind? Fashion often involves co-opting articles of clothing that are worn by members of a specific socio-economic status. The fashionable part is in the contrast. The distressed jeans paired with the crisp white dress-shirt and Louboutins. The Madewell plaid that did not come from the thrift shop combined with the J Brand jeans. So how is this problematic? Is it respectful? I don’t know.

Fashion is so easy to discredit. Those who take themselves so seriously will probably conclude that it’s superficial and there are more important matters to concern themselves with. Well of course there are. But being informed about world affairs and looking presentable are not mutually exclusive. To each his own but being kind of clueless about your physical appearance does not necessarily make you more highbrow. Sorry.

Cosmic

October 6, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I have a photograph on my Tumblr blog that states “what if the one that got away came back?” Ten years ago, heck three years ago, a statement like this would have made me swoon. I keep it on my blog now to remind me not to be a fool. He is never coming back and if he got away, well, maybe it was for the best. Forget chasing and dodge that bullet.

I’ve smartened up because I’ve learnt the hard way that pining over something in the past is so completely useless. It’s probably the very opposite of being productive and you end up not loving individuals around you like they so deserve. But I see the pull. The past is so much easier to figure out because it’s already happened, the present is what you’re working through now. The bigger picture is mostly granted with experience but the good news is that we almost always learn to live with whatever plays out.

Don’t worry, being less naive has not made a cynic out of me. When I say that he’s never coming back, I just mean maybe not this lifetime. If you’re one to believe in karma like I do, you probably also subscribe to the idea that souls are somehow linked. Now this is not soulmate with a capital S where there is only one person in the world who can make you happy. How absurd is that, especially when you are growing everyday? No, I believe that you only get that surge of energy when you meet someone, when your entire body reacts towards them because you’ve met before. I believe that a couple of us circle each other lifetime after lifetime and the relationships are not always romantic. Sometimes you’re siblings, platonic friends or enemies and because of your karma it might take a few tries to actually be together.

I’ve felt that seismic jolt a couple of times like I’m sure we all have. There’s happiness in knowing that we’ll probably meet again no?

“See you next lifetime brother.” If you watch Lost you’ll get the significance of that statement. God, Desmond was my favourite.

Bestie

October 3, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

For someone who says that she relates much better to women, I was one of those girls who ditched all their friends for her boyfriend. Truth be told I’m surprised that it’s not more common. First loves are all-consuming and I was lucky enough to gain a best friend in the process. I ended up marrying him too. When we spend time together we just have that kind of rapport. We problem-solve, fight and enjoy life’s pleasures first and foremost as individuals choosing to be together. As best buds.

It was only as I matured that I learnt the distinction between my partner and my friends. They are different and serve distinct purposes. The reality of it is that my husband is the person I trust the most and go to first. No one will ever take that position, no matter the amount of love and affection I have for them. But with a friend, the relationship is lighter though no less significant. It’s nice to have a breather from your legally-binding teammate.

What I can say about my best friend K is that she is the very best of people. She is considerate, generous, fun and above all very well-raised. We work because we have the same expectations for what our friendship will entail. Currently we are living on separate coasts but even when we were in the same city we were not in each other’s faces. What I like about K is that she is low-maintenance. There are no hurt feelings about not having Skype dates or questions about what we mean to each other. The simple answer is that we love each other, are in each other’s lives but don’t need constant updates. Nothing changes.

If I had to name what I admire about her, it is her loyalty. K was there for me through some tough times in undergrad and beyond and she is there for me still. That’s why she was my maid of honor and my son’s godmother. She is so very honourable. I can’t even list all the ways that she has been such a good friend. I just hope that I can be the same and repay half of what she has given so unconditionally.

So if you find your bestie consider yourself lucky, because not everyone gets that privilege.

Dear John

October 1, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Amidst all of the celebrities having their nude images leaked I said to Andrew, “how many times have we done long distance and there is not a single naked photo of me?” Where are all the photographs of all the male celebrities without their clothes on? Trust me, they exist but would never cause such a stir so what’s the point of releasing them? Do not even get me started on that.

Andrew and I have been in a long distance relationship so many times that I’ve lost count. And it will happen again. He is in a field where you go on sabbatical every six years. If I’m not in the position to leave my job for months at a time he will be living elsewhere on his own. Plus, after a certain age you can’t pull your kids out of educational institutions to enroll them in international schools abroad. So there you go.

But I feel like we’ve almost mastered it. I spoke too soon when upon returning from my year in Thailand I said that we would never be apart again. We’re sticking to those promises as best we can because I am currently living with him in the States where his tenure-track position is located. Not that I would have it any other way. There are few things better than adventure. But soon enough I will have my own obligations and be fully to committed to my career. I’m confident that it won’t break us though and here’s why. The secret is to live your life and have faith in each other. The days pass and then bam, you’re together again.

The fine print is that there has to be a time-limit. If there is no end-point in sight you do run the risk of wanting someone else. I’ve never been particularly good at long distance and the only person I would work at it for is Andrew. I have no desire to wait by the phone. So eventually this may wear on you and begin to fragment what you have together. Here’s the reality, short and sweet. Eventually you may get tired of waiting full stop, especially when someone could be there in your everyday. Because the best part of the distance is that it makes your relationship have urgency. The catch-up after a lengthy time apart is always passionate and exciting. But there is also something to be said for waking up next to each other and being able to speak to someone about your context and them actually getting it. Of course there are exceptions but overall one of you may have to make the move to make the relationship sustainable for the long run. Sunday brunches every weekend never gets old but jealously sure does.

The chase

September 29, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

When Matthew McConaughey won an Oscar for Best Actor he said that his hero is five years away. And he’s right, you should always be chasing and not be complacent. My husband and I try to put this outlook into practice. We are always looking forward.

Now, this strategy exists in our plans for a year in Paris, it’s present in our current monthly budget that will add to our savings for a mortgage, it’s there on the steps we take for our careers. We put aside pleasure now to have something bigger and better later. Delayed gratification so that the rewards are bigger. Granted we’ve had a lot of practice. Andrew left his corporate job to pursue a graduate education. People believed that he was indulgent and that it was risky but he did it anyways. And now, he’s living his life on his own terms and very happy. In the end it’s always worth it. The funny part is that the doubters are usually there to offer congratulations at the end when things are good. Too bad about all that middle part. But this is when you are gracious and accept their sentiments.

At the core of this is simply one of the sound bytes that you heard from your mother, teacher or guidance counselor. Set goals and take intentional steps to reach them. That’s not to say that there is a set path that if you diverge from will result in disaster. No, there are always different ways to go and it’s very much a process. One must be resilient and keep at it but there is no distinct end point or time-limit. Trust, when you finally obtain it you will always want more.

We set similar objectives for our marriage and personal life. We’ve discussed our 25th wedding anniversary throughout our marriage and have very specific plans. Having aspirations such as these also means that we’re trying to stay married for at least 25 years. We are not going to host a lavish dinner party. Been there, done that with the wedding. We want the celebration to be about us, not for other people. That’s why a month in Provence in a chateau is everything we want. We want that time to reflect on what we share, to be with each other and to be with the people we love most. I want to break bread and be content. We’ve also discussed our gifts. I’m going to purchase a Rolex for him and he’ll buy a Chanel purse for me. Then Andrew noticed that around our 25th anniversary is when C will be heading off to university. He realized financially that would be a pain. So we looked at each other and at the same moment said “what about the 30th for the gifts?” We may be dreamers but we are also pragmatic.

Maman

September 26, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I feel that my son will thank me down the road for not being bat-shit crazy. Well, that is my sincere wish, lets see if it is the outcome. I hope that he reflects in his twenties that I had certain expectations for his behavior but above all my semi-relaxed parenting style allowed him to find his way. That I taught him not be afraid to make mistakes and respected his need for some semblance of a private life.

Those are my overarching goals but I have to negotiate the toddler years first. There was a phase when I read so many parenting books and ended up thoroughly confusing myself. After some research the consensus is that everyone will tell you how to do things but you need to decide which strategies work best for you. We all need to come to terms with the fact that families are built on interactions between different temperaments. We cannot help but have an impact on each other so you might as well lead by example and accept that even if you try, you cannot always present the best version of yourself. Accept that you are human.

The French methods observed by Pamela Druckerman in “Bringing up Babe“ have influenced me greatly. She has it right in thinking that many North American parents are obsessed with indulging their child’s every whim. We as parents, especially mothers, are expected to bleed ourselves dry till we cannot sacrifice anymore. What kind of life is that? I’m sorry but I have no desire to live for my child and trust me, they will not be grateful for your overbearing ways.

In France, parents respect their child’s individuality and therefore try to create a relationship that considers their personality and preferences. But to define one’s identity you need to have both hard limits and a great deal of freedom. The French love their paradoxes non? But it makes sense because if there were no rules how could anyone play the game? Plus we live in a society where we are accountable to each other, so play nice. Clearly these boundaries vary according to age but overall time-outs are warranted when the child causes physical harm or disrespects someone else. Patience is key especially during the toddler years when they are still learning the social mores. But I like that within this system you frame why they cannot do certain things because they don’t have the right to. For example, your child does not have right to hit another child, Billy does not have the right be make fun of someone’s physical appearance. Having discussions of this nature also involves speaking to your child in an adult manner and about concepts of considerable depth. At all ages we need reminders that we strive to live in a respectful way.

Now, they lump together the rest of the behavior as some of annoyances and inconveniences that come with childhood. Yes, they will probably be messy and have sensitive moments but that is part of the package. Would I still explain to C why he cannot spread jam all over my walls (which he hasn’t by the way)? Yes, because I don’t want him to go over to my friend’s house and do the same. I don’t have the right to bring my child over to vandalize. But the important lesson is to always explain why and in turn encourage him to ask why.

So many people have children and don’t want to actually parent. It is not my job to be C’s friend. It is my duty to try to lead him while providing him with some agency and most importantly to love him. There will be times when he doesn’t like me very much, but that’s alright. Self-worth and good values are far more important.

Chit chat

September 24, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I don’t know if it’s my own self-centeredness or the self-centeredness of others that makes my mind wander. To put it bluntly, I really don’t care. I think it’s in the details where you lose me. I don’t need to know every minutiae of daily life. Most people are ill-equipped to be human pro/con lists to manage risk. At this point you are wondering how I have any friends. The truth is that I try to keep my life as simple as possible, which means that my closest friends generally get to the point. I return the favor by being succinct myself.

When I delve deeper into the motivations of my intolerance it’s that I don’t like indecisiveness. You know that inability to make decision stems from fear. Fear of faltering, fear of messing up. Now this is where I get confused. If you decide to go one route and it ends up being a mistake there are two outcomes: you live with it or you fix it. How does this exactly affect members of your inner circle?

Additionally, the sticking point for me is the distinction between a conversation and a monologue. Having a discussion with someone means that there is a give and take. You speak a bit about your experiences and then you ask a question or two and allow that person to elaborate. Or perhaps they will interject at an appropriate moment and offer their point of view, which will trigger how your situation relates to something in their past. This form of interaction is stimulating and offers the potential to form bonds through commonalities and rapport. Who actually likes to be talked at? Now this all hinges on the person you’re speaking to being open-minded. Judgey people are often the most boring.

Listening is the most important skill one can master. The very best people listen much more than they speak. Their contributions are thoughtful and considered. My inability to hear people’s words and my short attention-span are two of my worst traits and ones that I’m truly trying to improve. I’m trying to care, really. But if being self-involved means that I’m reflexive, well that’s just something that’s never going to go away. Being critical and judgmental are two different barrels of fish.

Take care

September 22, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

We often tells ourselves that it’s a waste to live one’s life in fear. And it’s true. It’s such a waste to feel that any moment may be our last because what sort of living is that? Perhaps a better approach would be to enjoy what is given and savor it for all it’s worth, so that when the time comes you can go forth bravely, feeling like you did all that you could.

But sometimes you are not granted this wish. You leave this world with such terror and pain and very much alone. Last week two British tourists were brutally murdered in Koh Tao, a popular island destination in Thailand. They were probably doing all the same things that we did when we were 24 years old, having some drinks and feeling like the time and place could not be more perfect. David Miller and Hannah Witheridge’s lives ended that night, which they thought would like be any other night, and it ended so violently. And it impacts me because I feel for their families, their friends and all those who will miss them the most. They make me see so many others I met in my travels and they make me see myself.

Here’s the thing. You could be walking down the street at home and be hit by a car. You do not need to be abroad to be in danger and robbed at gunpoint. I love Thailand, I love the people and I love the place. One cannot and should not fear what is to come because I think it would be missing the point. There is also the case of Tomoko Kawashita, whose life ended at a Buddhist temple at 9 o’clock in the morning. How could anyone ever predict there would be danger in visiting a religious site at the height of Loy Kratong, which is a major celebration each year in Southeast asia? In the daylight?

It is only respectful and vigilant to remember that violence against women is possible at anytime. There is a reason why Stieg Larsson’s “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” was originally named “Men who hate women.” Because it is this hatred against our body, towards our mind, towards our very existence that gets us subjugated and brutalized. It’s not just us they hate, they hate themselves. So for these young victims and all victims of violence I truly hope that you are at peace. And for all women traveling alone please take care.

To be social

September 19, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

In my twentieth attempt to quit gossip I decided to become more savvy in social media. I figured if I spend so much time using it to gain information I might as well also be a source of one too. I never realized how thrilling it would be. There are so many different platforms to meet your every need but here are two of my favourites.

Have you ever felt like there are too many tabs open in your brain? Pinterest will help you store some of that inspiration and in a format that is accessible anytime and anywhere. If you’re a control freak like me this is an online version of one of your to-do lists but the best part is that there is no temporal limit. Who cares if you don’t get to the file on “Decor inspiration” till two years down the road when you’ve actually bought a home. Also, if you’re a shopping fiend like me a file called “Products” can help keep track of what is on your radar. But trust, it’s dangerous for your cash flow because you will remind yourself of things you want. You can follow my Pinterest boards here.

Tumblr helps to make up for Pinterest’s shortcomings. My two most active boards on Pinterest were “Style” for my fashion inspiration and “Mapping beauty” where I posted images that I find beautiful. But without an archive button it is difficult to locate that Emerson Fry jumper or Neil Patrick Harris’ photo. With Tumblr you can upload these photographs but can also find them again later. I started one of these accounts when I was looking for news about a certain Canadian ice dance pair. US weekly doesn’t really cover the lives of figure skaters and fans always have more information. So amongst the outfits, plates of food and travel destinations their faces would pop up every now and then. Now I’ve kind of lost interest in them so I’ve purged my account, short a few images, and the blog reflects my current interests. See but this is the strength of Tumblr, it allows for this type of flexibility. That and the ability to control your content. In Pinterest one way to garner followers is to follow individuals who re-pinned one of your items. The positive aspect of this is that your feed reflects the preferences of so many different people form various backgrounds. The limitation in this is that you sometimes have to weed through spiritual quotes and crafting instructions. With Tumblr there are endless amounts of fashion bloggers to follow and they provide the type of content that you’re looking for. There is less filler. I run my Tumblr account found here as Kate Smith. Surprise, surprise.

Although distinct this and other social media platforms are just a way to mold your online brand. Of course most of us aren’t selling anything but our day to day life requires putting forth a certain identity. Just like you had that cork board of notes, photographs and postcards in your youth, it’s here again, just online. The best part is that you can create or erase, alter or keep whatever suits your needs in the present. We all know that it’s written in ink and will last forever, so of course take care. It goes without saying that one must educate the kids for sure but perhaps an extracurricular activity would also help. There’s nothing better than going out and having an actual conversation. But I almost feel like it’s become so banal. Like with anything, your past actions impact the now, with or without the photos at the bar being hammered.