Misfit

September 15, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

There are moments when you’re searching for employment that are downright depressing. It’s like looking at the wasteland of all your half-finished schemes and things you could have done differently. In my case, I feel overqualified for some of the opportunities and the things that I actually want to do I don’t have the experience for.

We all know the importance of hustling, that there will be sacrifices and fatigue so severe you want a short reprieve. That if you really want to go after your dreams, you sometimes have to start in the mailroom. I understand all of this but I just think all the years we spent on gaining an education should count for something. Because I chose the path of a graduate education, that event planning position that I would pay to have now probably is not feasible. I’ve always wanted to be a party planner, I was just afraid that it was not “legitimate” enough and what a shame. I should have started in the mailroom in my early twenties right out of undergrad. Hindsight is 20/20.

What a waste to regret anything though. You’re allowed one day to mope and that’s it because after that you’re just wallowing. Growing up means that you look at what you are trained to do and frame it for a position that you would be proud of and love. I understand the value of going after what you want but some dreams are not meant to come true and that’s alright. Not all of us can be rock stars.

I just thought that I would have it together by now. In a year or two I know that things will be clearer and beginnings are what you have to muddle through. Growing up with Sex and the City I imagined myself a certain way in my mid-thirties. I still have time, it’s all about being strategic right? Every girl plays the game of deciding which character they are. Most people would say that I’m Charlotte. It’s true, I’m proper, traditional in many ways and cringe at some aspects of subversive culture. But I always admired Carrie’s vulnerability. Her flaws made her so much more relatable. She was not always the greatest friend, partner or even person but you still loved her. I’d say most of us have aspects of all four characters: Miranda’s drive, Samantha’s bravery, Carrie’s confidence and Charlotte’s heart. I know that the show Girls is written with a similar goal to empower women, but perhaps with more of an edge. Goodness gracious Ms. Dunham you are smart. Both are valuable, but Carrie and co. are so much more aspirational. I love you Lena but I would choose their careers and wardrobes over that version of reality any day. Life’s a mess but I don’t really need to see it in technicolour all the time.

Nerves

September 2, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

As of late I often scrunch my nose up at compositions that start with quotes set in italics. Why would you start with words other than your own? I do understand the intention behind it. That you are setting up a theme or frame for where you want your story to go. It’s like in a horror film when they build tension with foreshadowing. And sometimes it works, especially when an author says something that is in your heart better than you could. So here it is:

If your Nerve, deny you—

Go above your Nerve—

EMILY DICKINSON

Seriously though, what could get you more riled up to fight than that? And how true it is. The very best things I’ve done were accomplished when I was scared but did it anyways. When I didn’t want to be chicken shit.

I’ve just undergone a major life change by moving to a new city. There is some unfinished business in Toronto mainly tied to going back to defend my dissertation but other than that the field is wide open. We’ve uprooted ourselves for my husband’s work but also to grow up a little. It’s our job to slowly but surely build up our world and craft new meanings in a place where the surroundings are strange. We’re in the phase when we’re still trying to orient ourselves, gain some stability and are desperately searching for landmarks. This is all helped by how incredibly nice people in MA generally are. When we visited a few months ago to secure housing and set the scene for what was to come we thought that we were in the phase when everything is good. Surely because we were speaking to people in the service or hotel industry, their job is to make everyone comfortable. But now, after a few days of engaging with different people from all walks of life, Jesus Christ, they are still so considerate. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this place produced the Kennedy family and Matt Damon. No wonder Ben Affleck and Mark Wahlberg are obsessed and continue to write and direct films about this place. They are polite, say their “excuse me”s and generally have an openness to want to chat or meet new people. I’m looking forward to connecting with a book club, mommy group or fundraising society to further my network. I feel like there is potential for them to be positive experiences.

Now I write all of this a couple of days in when there is clarity and calm. After everything from the flight, airport and various administrative errands have gone more or less smoothly. Knock on wood. But to be honest on my last night in Toronto, I was in the fetal position with tears in my eyes, telling my husband I was scared. And God I was embarrassed for behaving this way because I usually see it as being weak. But it’s part of human nature to be sad to leave loved ones and a place that is so familiar and good. Like anything worth having though, you jump right in and keep on working through the pain. Well that’s my philosophy these days anyways. Because what choice do we have? My husband is a Professor and secured this position before graduating. This is a tenure-track position and it has the potential of being one for life. He’s also lucky that they want him enough to sponsor him to work in the United States, that he had the means to complete those degrees that gave him the credentials and that his skill sets are specialized enough. He understands his privilege. So you go where the job is and you have to find your footing. I just feel blessed that it’s looking like a place that we’d like to be.

If I’m honest though I can’t count on being completely rooted. Although the area we live in is beautiful, affluent and safe, I miss the city already. I miss the noise, the people, the pollution and being able to walk around the corner to find something to do. But my home is out there, I’ll just have a couple of rest stops along the way. And thankfully, the people and the food are good. The ocean is beautiful. You enjoy the upswings with the knowledge of the downs right? If that’s the case, it’s all good.

One Lovely Blog award

August 21, 2014November 13, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

Thank you so much to Melody at Life’s Daily Dose for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog award. I started this site to practice my writing voice but after becoming more active in the recent months I’ve found my passion for it again. I cannot express how grateful I am to all of you for your support, comments and especially for reading and listening. Much love.

Please take a look at Melody’s blog which offers great lifestyle advice but mostly positivity. Appreciating the simple pleasures in life is so important and she suggests some great steps on how to make it happen.

The rules of this award:

1. You must thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog.

2. You must list the rules and display the award.

3. You must add 7 facts about yourself.

4. You must nominate 15 other bloggers and comment on one of their posts to let them know they have been nominated.

5. You must display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.

7 facts about myself:

1. My husband is my best guy friend.

2. My son is made fully of charm, wit and will.

3. My best girl friend is K and we have lots of fun/trouble together.

4. I’m going to be moving to the Greater Boston Area shortly.

5. I hope to finish my PhD by the end of this year.

6. I love fashion.

7. I love books.

The great blogs I nominate for this award are:

randomthoughtsofatwentysomething

clairabelle1991

quartervida

summersurprises

Just desserts

July 24, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

“Revenge is a dish best served cold.” Funny statement for an act that is fuelled completely by hate. There is nothing cold about it and gets you nowhere good.

When you’ve matured as an individual you recognize that hissy fits are not the way to go. Even if you can barely be still from the anger, you just breathe and try to remain silent. This is the smart choice because your words grant them power to use against you and especially in North America you can’t be weak. There’s also the issue of professionalism. This practice attempts to compartmentalize your life into separate spheres. I’m not suggesting that they’re mutually exclusive, especially when you’re a woman, but it’s sometimes beneficial to prevent them from bleeding into one another. Your professional and personal life, for many of us are not the same thing. Being professional means that you try your best to show up.

I recently worked for a professor whom I admire in so many ways and detest in others. She’s a firecracker, speaks her mind and is obviously intelligent. Now there were moments this summer when I did not communicate enough with her and she articulated her disappointment. This is well within her rights as a course director. Constructive criticism is an integral part of life and the workplace. We continually need to improve and I’ve learnt to prevent this misstep next time. I am better and that’s so valuable. Now, what I did was nothing too egregious, just needed to send her some more emails.

It’s not the message I have a problem with, it’s the method. After my sincere apology, she does not let me explain the context of my actions but rather cut off the discussion because she “doesn’t want to fight about it.” Excuse me? Are we sixteen here? Also, rather than address the issue when it actually occurred she waited till the last day of class. With all of her concerns with my level of professionalism, apparently hers are not placed under the same exacting standards. This did not sit well with me, especially when she accused me of one act I did not commit. For someone who speaks about such lofty ideals like women’s rights and multiple perspectives she certainly does not walk the walk. What a complete hypocrite. She may be smart but she is not nice.

I’ve thought of speaking to her superiors but my position is limited because I did make some errors. It’s also not worth my time to take on a 50 year old adjunct professor. What am I going to do? Ask them to make her nicer? I’m not deluded to thinking that all individuals were raised to practice courtesy. This is not the first instance of her erratic behaviour. The sarcasm and tone with which she addresses students is explicit and vast. It’s clear that she uses her position as a professor to subordinate and infantalize them and in front of a lecture hall of 125 people nonetheless. We are not her children and it’s not within her rights to make us feel small. Her evaluations will reflect this conduct so why would I lodge one complaint when there will be several. There are always consequences to your actions. She will be served but not by me.

In spite of this one instance this was the best teaching experience I had in grad school. The students were so engaged, hardworking and kind. I will always remember them.

But I choose so speak up here, in my personal sphere. I only have one thing left to say to the Dr., whom with all luck I will never have to see again: stay classy.

The rebound

June 27, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Like death and taxes, failure is a constant part of life. These disappointments, however painful, are completely necessary because those upswings wouldn’t be nearly as sweet without these lows. I picture what I call the “craptastic” moments to be very much like the rebound in basketball, when you don’t score the points but the ball makes contact and there is potential for it to go in many different directions. The challenge is to not get lost in the self-doubt.

Failure makes you feel very small but after you have a drink or twenty, kiss a couple of boys and stay in bed for a few days, it’s time to just get on with it. This is the point when I start to retrace my steps. I evaluate my actions and try to find the point when it began to go awry. Funnily enough, the feeling of shock from falling on your face starts to lessen precisely when you wonder how you didn’t see it coming. This also helps to contextualize it as a part of your history, literally a blip on the radar when things weren’t so great. It is here that you have to put the feelings of lack or worthlessness aside because you are neither of those things. Failure is not an inherent part of who you are, it’s just a part of the story.

Plus, we garner hope in the fact that there is always something to do. Whether it’s getting yourself out of your pajamas or building up the courage to start on your next endeavour, they are steps to healing and preparing to try again. Writer Calvin Trillin always emphasizes that faltering is an inevitable part of being human. It’s the grace with which you pull yourself together that matters. When you get past all of the Vince Vaughan and vegas, baby, vegas, the film Swingers actually suggests a similar approach to returning to the living. Jon Favreau is mourning the end of a long-term relationship and when Ron Livingston comes to visit he not only brings him a sandwich but some advice. You want to feel it? Sure, go right ahead. But with every day that passes, the hurt will marginally shrink till one day it will be gone. It’s true you know, time is everyone’s contingency plan. Better luck next time. No, seriously, you might have better luck next time.

My favourite mistake

June 11, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I’ve always imagined life to be a body of water. I usually just jump right in, at times not thinking things completely through. As a result I’ve made mistakes. A whole whack of them. But I think it’s just the way I’m wired, I almost revel in the messiness. I know it’s not always easy to live with someone like that. Good thing I’m married to my balance. He grounds me and I pick him up.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect people to clean up after me. One of the worst character traits is not being accountable for your actions and taking responsibility for the damage that you have caused. Therefore, I know to finish what I start even if my actions have resulted in me being in a world of hurt and sheepishness. But you have to step back and ask, why am I embarrassed? Should I be? It’s the judgement and slight to their egos that often prevents people from taking risks or asking for precisely what they want. I mean I get it, there is comfort in fitting in. I’m not sure if we ever leave the middle school gymnasiums where you want to be picked. I think the gyms just get bigger and we just get smarter. It’s great to have the ring, the mortgage, the wealth and the status. But I think the reward of having designed a life that you love is so much more fulfilling. The knowledge that you didn’t compromise your values gets you through the price you pay for such a life. Lets face it, we won’t always get what we want. Why do you think the Smiths begged “please please please let me get what I want this time?” But something always happens, things change, you grow and move forward. There’s comfort in that too right?

Sure, there are so many other realities that you could have had. Maybe in some alternate universe I chose to stay at home and attend the University of Toronto. Maybe I’m married to some doctor, probably Asian, and he buys me whatever purse I want at the duty-free airport store. Maybe there are 100 different versions of us, different universes. But I like this one, with a brave husband and a beautiful son.

“When you go, all I know is you’re my favourite mistake.” Now try to hear these words in Sheryl Crow’s voice. Her song about her relationship with the very married Eric Clapton. Her song about how she wouldn’t take anything back.

I’ll own my mistakes thank you very much. At least I’m living. It’s the foolish ones who don’t at least try.

Situating.

May 26, 2011November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. Write a blog that is. I even started one a few months ago but couldn’t commit so there is a lone entry out there in the blog “just be” that’s destined to go nowhere. I was living in Thailand at the time and I thought that it would be the perfect way to start this project–when I am abroad and feeling so much. I’ve read a few books that were former blogs and they always began with some sort of project or journey and this would be mine: a young woman living alone in Southeast Asia for the first time, loving it but also missing the life she left behind. Somehow it didn’t feel right so I let it be. Now I am back and here to share stories, projects, and actual things that are helpful, enriching and wonderful in my daily life. I’m also back home with my husband, family and best friends. Instead of talking about the negatives I will mainly be posting about what I love because it’s so much more fun to talk about. There’s already a lot of negativity out there no?

The reason I have called this entry “situating” is because that concept is very important for me when I’m reflecting and for this blog. I am currently entering my late twenties, married and a graduate student. But with life choices and fate things will continue to change and my taste will also. So, I hope this blog documents all of these transformations but also allows me to reflect on what has been helpful in the past. It really has been a learning experience to get here and I look forward to all there is to love in the future.