Numbers

October 12, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

“I don’t want to watch that, it has old people in it,” says my husband of Sarah Polley’s film Away from Her. Now before you balk at the insensitivity of his remark about the elderly or Alzheimer’s, ask yourself, is he saying something none of us have thought ourselves? Who actually wants to get old? It’s the phase in life when your body slows and bears the scars of your experiences. The very lucky get to maintain their wits but that’s never a guarantee. But lets be positive. The polite adjective is distinguished but I believe it’s accurate. Just think of all that you have accomplished and learned.

I’ve never been one to squeeze every last minute of a fun experience. I don’t have a fear of missing out. I leave the bar when I get bored. So, when I reflect on the process of aging I hope that the universe will take this into consideration. I don’t really have the desire to reach the point when I’m no longer present and drooling. When I’m just delaying the inevitable.

So instead I choose to view this life phase as an opportunity more than a hindrance. But to acquire this perspective one needs foresight and planning. Do I want to take those vacations when my joints can’t take it? Hell no. I want to see all of those places when I’m willing and able. I’m not going to be rushing to get things done at the very end. I plan on taking my own sweet time. Do I want to feel that things were so much better in the past? This is the very definition of an “old” person. Things change all the time and that is a gift. We are so lucky that every passing day allows for greater recognition of difference and the human condition.

One of my favorite television shows is BBC’s “As Time Goes By.” Starring Judi Dench and Geoffrey Palmer, the series chronicles the meeting of two sweethearts who lost touch during the war. They reconnect and realize the depth of their feelings after marriages, children and careers. After so very much. Not only is the writing and rapport between the actors perfection but I like the sentiment behind it. That it’s never too late to enjoy life, to enjoy each other. Isn’t it Dylan Thomas who said “do not go gently into that good night?” I rather not fight it, but will take it for what it’s worth. Shall we?

Cheers.

Bestie

October 3, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

For someone who says that she relates much better to women, I was one of those girls who ditched all their friends for her boyfriend. Truth be told I’m surprised that it’s not more common. First loves are all-consuming and I was lucky enough to gain a best friend in the process. I ended up marrying him too. When we spend time together we just have that kind of rapport. We problem-solve, fight and enjoy life’s pleasures first and foremost as individuals choosing to be together. As best buds.

It was only as I matured that I learnt the distinction between my partner and my friends. They are different and serve distinct purposes. The reality of it is that my husband is the person I trust the most and go to first. No one will ever take that position, no matter the amount of love and affection I have for them. But with a friend, the relationship is lighter though no less significant. It’s nice to have a breather from your legally-binding teammate.

What I can say about my best friend K is that she is the very best of people. She is considerate, generous, fun and above all very well-raised. We work because we have the same expectations for what our friendship will entail. Currently we are living on separate coasts but even when we were in the same city we were not in each other’s faces. What I like about K is that she is low-maintenance. There are no hurt feelings about not having Skype dates or questions about what we mean to each other. The simple answer is that we love each other, are in each other’s lives but don’t need constant updates. Nothing changes.

If I had to name what I admire about her, it is her loyalty. K was there for me through some tough times in undergrad and beyond and she is there for me still. That’s why she was my maid of honor and my son’s godmother. She is so very honourable. I can’t even list all the ways that she has been such a good friend. I just hope that I can be the same and repay half of what she has given so unconditionally.

So if you find your bestie consider yourself lucky, because not everyone gets that privilege.

Dear John

October 1, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Amidst all of the celebrities having their nude images leaked I said to Andrew, “how many times have we done long distance and there is not a single naked photo of me?” Where are all the photographs of all the male celebrities without their clothes on? Trust me, they exist but would never cause such a stir so what’s the point of releasing them? Do not even get me started on that.

Andrew and I have been in a long distance relationship so many times that I’ve lost count. And it will happen again. He is in a field where you go on sabbatical every six years. If I’m not in the position to leave my job for months at a time he will be living elsewhere on his own. Plus, after a certain age you can’t pull your kids out of educational institutions to enroll them in international schools abroad. So there you go.

But I feel like we’ve almost mastered it. I spoke too soon when upon returning from my year in Thailand I said that we would never be apart again. We’re sticking to those promises as best we can because I am currently living with him in the States where his tenure-track position is located. Not that I would have it any other way. There are few things better than adventure. But soon enough I will have my own obligations and be fully to committed to my career. I’m confident that it won’t break us though and here’s why. The secret is to live your life and have faith in each other. The days pass and then bam, you’re together again.

The fine print is that there has to be a time-limit. If there is no end-point in sight you do run the risk of wanting someone else. I’ve never been particularly good at long distance and the only person I would work at it for is Andrew. I have no desire to wait by the phone. So eventually this may wear on you and begin to fragment what you have together. Here’s the reality, short and sweet. Eventually you may get tired of waiting full stop, especially when someone could be there in your everyday. Because the best part of the distance is that it makes your relationship have urgency. The catch-up after a lengthy time apart is always passionate and exciting. But there is also something to be said for waking up next to each other and being able to speak to someone about your context and them actually getting it. Of course there are exceptions but overall one of you may have to make the move to make the relationship sustainable for the long run. Sunday brunches every weekend never gets old but jealously sure does.

Maman

September 26, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I feel that my son will thank me down the road for not being bat-shit crazy. Well, that is my sincere wish, lets see if it is the outcome. I hope that he reflects in his twenties that I had certain expectations for his behavior but above all my semi-relaxed parenting style allowed him to find his way. That I taught him not be afraid to make mistakes and respected his need for some semblance of a private life.

Those are my overarching goals but I have to negotiate the toddler years first. There was a phase when I read so many parenting books and ended up thoroughly confusing myself. After some research the consensus is that everyone will tell you how to do things but you need to decide which strategies work best for you. We all need to come to terms with the fact that families are built on interactions between different temperaments. We cannot help but have an impact on each other so you might as well lead by example and accept that even if you try, you cannot always present the best version of yourself. Accept that you are human.

The French methods observed by Pamela Druckerman in “Bringing up Babe“ have influenced me greatly. She has it right in thinking that many North American parents are obsessed with indulging their child’s every whim. We as parents, especially mothers, are expected to bleed ourselves dry till we cannot sacrifice anymore. What kind of life is that? I’m sorry but I have no desire to live for my child and trust me, they will not be grateful for your overbearing ways.

In France, parents respect their child’s individuality and therefore try to create a relationship that considers their personality and preferences. But to define one’s identity you need to have both hard limits and a great deal of freedom. The French love their paradoxes non? But it makes sense because if there were no rules how could anyone play the game? Plus we live in a society where we are accountable to each other, so play nice. Clearly these boundaries vary according to age but overall time-outs are warranted when the child causes physical harm or disrespects someone else. Patience is key especially during the toddler years when they are still learning the social mores. But I like that within this system you frame why they cannot do certain things because they don’t have the right to. For example, your child does not have right to hit another child, Billy does not have the right be make fun of someone’s physical appearance. Having discussions of this nature also involves speaking to your child in an adult manner and about concepts of considerable depth. At all ages we need reminders that we strive to live in a respectful way.

Now, they lump together the rest of the behavior as some of annoyances and inconveniences that come with childhood. Yes, they will probably be messy and have sensitive moments but that is part of the package. Would I still explain to C why he cannot spread jam all over my walls (which he hasn’t by the way)? Yes, because I don’t want him to go over to my friend’s house and do the same. I don’t have the right to bring my child over to vandalize. But the important lesson is to always explain why and in turn encourage him to ask why.

So many people have children and don’t want to actually parent. It is not my job to be C’s friend. It is my duty to try to lead him while providing him with some agency and most importantly to love him. There will be times when he doesn’t like me very much, but that’s alright. Self-worth and good values are far more important.

Chit chat

September 24, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I don’t know if it’s my own self-centeredness or the self-centeredness of others that makes my mind wander. To put it bluntly, I really don’t care. I think it’s in the details where you lose me. I don’t need to know every minutiae of daily life. Most people are ill-equipped to be human pro/con lists to manage risk. At this point you are wondering how I have any friends. The truth is that I try to keep my life as simple as possible, which means that my closest friends generally get to the point. I return the favor by being succinct myself.

When I delve deeper into the motivations of my intolerance it’s that I don’t like indecisiveness. You know that inability to make decision stems from fear. Fear of faltering, fear of messing up. Now this is where I get confused. If you decide to go one route and it ends up being a mistake there are two outcomes: you live with it or you fix it. How does this exactly affect members of your inner circle?

Additionally, the sticking point for me is the distinction between a conversation and a monologue. Having a discussion with someone means that there is a give and take. You speak a bit about your experiences and then you ask a question or two and allow that person to elaborate. Or perhaps they will interject at an appropriate moment and offer their point of view, which will trigger how your situation relates to something in their past. This form of interaction is stimulating and offers the potential to form bonds through commonalities and rapport. Who actually likes to be talked at? Now this all hinges on the person you’re speaking to being open-minded. Judgey people are often the most boring.

Listening is the most important skill one can master. The very best people listen much more than they speak. Their contributions are thoughtful and considered. My inability to hear people’s words and my short attention-span are two of my worst traits and ones that I’m truly trying to improve. I’m trying to care, really. But if being self-involved means that I’m reflexive, well that’s just something that’s never going to go away. Being critical and judgmental are two different barrels of fish.

To be social

September 19, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

In my twentieth attempt to quit gossip I decided to become more savvy in social media. I figured if I spend so much time using it to gain information I might as well also be a source of one too. I never realized how thrilling it would be. There are so many different platforms to meet your every need but here are two of my favourites.

Have you ever felt like there are too many tabs open in your brain? Pinterest will help you store some of that inspiration and in a format that is accessible anytime and anywhere. If you’re a control freak like me this is an online version of one of your to-do lists but the best part is that there is no temporal limit. Who cares if you don’t get to the file on “Decor inspiration” till two years down the road when you’ve actually bought a home. Also, if you’re a shopping fiend like me a file called “Products” can help keep track of what is on your radar. But trust, it’s dangerous for your cash flow because you will remind yourself of things you want. You can follow my Pinterest boards here.

Tumblr helps to make up for Pinterest’s shortcomings. My two most active boards on Pinterest were “Style” for my fashion inspiration and “Mapping beauty” where I posted images that I find beautiful. But without an archive button it is difficult to locate that Emerson Fry jumper or Neil Patrick Harris’ photo. With Tumblr you can upload these photographs but can also find them again later. I started one of these accounts when I was looking for news about a certain Canadian ice dance pair. US weekly doesn’t really cover the lives of figure skaters and fans always have more information. So amongst the outfits, plates of food and travel destinations their faces would pop up every now and then. Now I’ve kind of lost interest in them so I’ve purged my account, short a few images, and the blog reflects my current interests. See but this is the strength of Tumblr, it allows for this type of flexibility. That and the ability to control your content. In Pinterest one way to garner followers is to follow individuals who re-pinned one of your items. The positive aspect of this is that your feed reflects the preferences of so many different people form various backgrounds. The limitation in this is that you sometimes have to weed through spiritual quotes and crafting instructions. With Tumblr there are endless amounts of fashion bloggers to follow and they provide the type of content that you’re looking for. There is less filler. I run my Tumblr account found here as Kate Smith. Surprise, surprise.

Although distinct this and other social media platforms are just a way to mold your online brand. Of course most of us aren’t selling anything but our day to day life requires putting forth a certain identity. Just like you had that cork board of notes, photographs and postcards in your youth, it’s here again, just online. The best part is that you can create or erase, alter or keep whatever suits your needs in the present. We all know that it’s written in ink and will last forever, so of course take care. It goes without saying that one must educate the kids for sure but perhaps an extracurricular activity would also help. There’s nothing better than going out and having an actual conversation. But I almost feel like it’s become so banal. Like with anything, your past actions impact the now, with or without the photos at the bar being hammered.

Light my way

September 8, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

You knew the night out in undergrad was over when they turned on the ugly lights. The lights that allow you to see your runny make-up, precisely how intoxicated you are and question if you actually want to go home with the person you’ve been dancing with for past half hour. This is all hypothetical of course because I always went home with the person I was dancing with, my longterm boyfriend at the time, my husband now. But it’s strange how this form of illumination makes you recognize how the alcohol, hip hop and darkness made you feel so free. A moment in time when no one cared. It’s the signal to get home that brings you back to reality, whether it’s that you have the class to get up for the next day, a paper to finish or that you fully regret that last pint that you’re going to pay for tomorrow morning.

I find similarities between this and the process of settling somewhere new. Even if it hurts you kind of just have to look life in the face. It’s always the mundane things that you do, little by little, that makes it hit home that you actually don’t have a home anymore and that your current surroundings are half-finished versions of a place to belong. That there’s still a ways to go. Eventually the light goes on that things have changed.

My realization hit me through metal objects of high practical value: when I changed up my keys and emptied out my change purse. When I placed my new keys onto my ring they were so heavy. So I thought, I certainly do not have a need to open any doors in Toronto the near future, so why not just put them away for now. And that’s precisely what I did. I put them in a place where I would not to lose them: in the pockets of my luggage. That’s when I knew that I would never need them without the gear to take me back, a temporary vessel of my belongings for my temporary visit. That place was basically gone from my day to day life and that was fucking sad. Secondly, I kept going into stores and struggling to give exact change to purchases. This was not just annoying but again, cluttering my wallet with weight. So I emptied out the currency that I did not need into a ziploc to use on my next visit. Just like we sold or gave away everything we could before boarding that flight, we were dropping weight every chance we got. Physically I might have felt lighter but the emotional baggage will take time to shed.

Now this is my nostalgia talking and I know that it will go away. The longing will lessen with a schedule, new friends, new plans. Just like how I explain to my son that his grandparents live in a different city that we have to take an airplane to, I’m constantly reminded of not just the physical distance but the emotional one. Lives always go on and in the best of ways. After every month long visit to Burma where I savoured every last minute with my family, my grandmother would always chide me at the airport when I would get too emotional. We were raised to be stoic and an outpouring of tears was the furthest thing from being dignified. She used to say, “we’ve had our fun right?” And of course we did. And we will again. Just like goodbyes are always made worse by prolonging it, you just have to do it. Like Neil Patrick Harris’ character on HIMYM always used to say, “fact, when I get sad I just be awesome instead.” So be awesome and if you’re sad, buy a ticket.

Boston strong

August 23, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

I will be taking a short hiatus from the blog while I pack up my things, cross the border and start fresh in a new place. My soundtrack is Augustana and I’m literally working off caffeine and adrenaline. The whole experience of packing up my books has made me even more resolved to go digital. Knowledge is literally and figuratively heavy.

Once I get the wifi sorted and the household settled I will be back. Much love and see you on the other side.

xoxo, Gossip Girl

Sweetheart

August 20, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

I’ve been with my husband for such a long time that I sometimes forget that my thoughts aren’t automatically transmitted to him. “What, you never told me that,” is a common phrase in our household and the level of exasperation varies depending on the severity of what I failed to communicate. He is many things but a telepath is not one of them. This is just one example of what happens to many longterm couples, when you become inextricably linked beyond the marriage certificate. It’s also where the potential for push-back happens when one or both of you might want a different version of yourselves to try on for size. Often the healthiest way to counter that is to have lives outside of your union, different interests and hobbies that allow you to bring something back to the table. When you don’t exist solely for each other.

I can’t believe I’m actually about to write about figure skaters but whatever, it’s something that came to mind recently and I want to see the thoughts through. The Sochi winter olympics has decreased my productivity precisely because a certain Canadian dance team piqued my interest. If you don’t know whom I’m speaking of, they had a reality show, they are beautiful, talented and are mostly known for how they interact with each other. It’s safe to say that in their sport they will be remembered far beyond their amateur or professional careers because of how they changed the game. That and the fact that everyone and their mother wants them to be together. I’m pretty sure that all of Canada would break into song and dance if that ever happened. I get it. They are two physically attractive individuals who clearly adore each other, however they deem to label their relationship. We all want the rom-com ending of after knowing each other for seventeen years and being business partners, they end up falling in love. I mean, Andrew and I have been romantically involved for fifteen and we get the same reaction when we tell people our story. Their eyes light up as if our life is one long Nora Ephron script. Shortly after marriage our friend M stated that we were proof that love lasts. The fact that we’re high school sweethearts give us street cred.

But here’s the real deal. That type of history makes it tricky and taking it to the next level either works or it doesn’t. Even if you decide to try, it can be hard to maintain a spark amongst such familiarity. For the said pair that I speak of, they met each other when they were babies, fine not infants but 7 and 9 are close enough. After having to become adults at a young age by committing to being high performing athletes, they probably understand each other in a way that no one else can. However, finishing each other’s sentences does not mean that you would work as a couple. History cannot always hold its own against distinct socio-economic backgrounds and temperaments. Sometimes stories like these are best left in the platonic zone, where you can be best buds forever. That’s so much more sustainable. So all those romantics, myself included, need to sit the hell down. Because why muck up such a beautiful connection with messy feelings? They and their story are far too pretty for that.

Also, no one knows what’s precisely going on with them so me and my gossip radar are calling it a day.

Wanderlust

August 18, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

When it comes to traveling I’ve always believed that you had to have been there. How do feelings and “moveable feasts” become words? Concepts of embodiment and experience are rarely express articulately. That is why I always try to resist the temptation to go on and on about a trip. This is one way, amongst others, that social media has enhanced our lives. On Facebook you can skip through an album at your own pace without having to commit to a lengthy description of each meal or landmark.

I understand why people love to share these images and anecdotes. They want to relive these moments themselves. There are few thrills more satisfying than the start of a journey when you’ve just placed the luggage on the scale, have the ticket in hand and you are off to someplace new. The limitation lies in the fact that you can’t pack your friends or relatives into those duffle bags. Even if you wanted to they probably have other things to do. The best part of traveling draws from the nuances but I think everyone appreciates the bigger picture, the Coles notes versions. Because really, even if you drew them a detailed map of your whole experience it would never capture it or do it justice. And they probably still have those other things to do.

Not many of us can afford to indulge every whim or seat sale. This is when travel accounts can fill that void, can feed that hunger to be someplace else. There are so many books out there that you can pick one for every flight of fancy but they all vary in the quality of writing and how the narrative is presented. But what draws us to them in the first place is the emotional trigger that sets these individuals off on their adventures. Because we’ve probably all felt a familiar pull, many of us just bury it. Traumas often lead us to seek solace where we are unknown and anonymous. You know the Billie Holiday song about “seeing you in all the old familiar places?” This is precisely the type of nightmare you try to avoid. In the midst of a personal crisis, you don’t want to walk down the street past every restaurant or movie theatre that’s hosted your date nights.

There are a couple of travel books that take us on these types of journeys particularly well. One of the most well-known is “Eat, Pray, Love” which is Elizabeth Gilbert’s attempt to come to terms with her divorce and temper her desire to always be in a relationship. In all three sites of Italy, India and Bali she actively uses the surroundings to heal her heart in some shape or form. Nothing is recognizable and so she is able to meditate on these major life changes and strategize where she wants to go from there. My only critique is that ashrams and palm trees can only get you so far. In the end you still have to face yourself in the mirror and be okay with your choices. You need to draw from within, not the external environment. Because you know, beauty can also wound the heart.

“The Lost Girls” by Baggett, Corbett and Pressner details the adventures of three friends quitting their jobs, leaving their significant others and taking off to “grow” as individuals abroad. This is all great and good but somehow I feel that their stories are a bit different. The best part of traveling is being taken out of your comfort zone and having to make new friends. You don’t necessarily have to flex these muscles when you have your best friends right there with you and two other people to be your sounding boards. But I love the intention behind it. The bravest people are those who take those steps that everyone in their social circle deems to be a mistake. It’s not an escape, it’s just a break from your life. Living so that the mundane becomes beautiful again.

The last two books I’ll discuss both take place in Paris and their perspectives of the city differ precisely because of their varying realities and approaches. In “Paris my sweet” by Amy Thomas she literally seems to wish that Paris would fit into her vision of what the city should be. Needless to say she is often disappointed. Places are to be adapted to, not changed. They don’t exist to meet your expectations. Comparatively in “Paris Letters” Janice Macleod wants to make her time there work, in spite of the inconveniences. She also seems to be sassy and recognize that not everyone is inherently nice. I do qualify all this by saying that one found love and the other didn’t. Not that it matters but the author of “Paris my sweet” literally documents her many romantic frustrations so I feel like it plays a role in her perception of the place. Sometimes I wondered, girl, are you eating all of those pastries because you want to or because you are sad? I appreciated this vulnerability because travelling is not one long party. There are instances when you are definitely lonely. Sure, not giving a fuck gives you so much freedom. But in turn no one really has to care about you either. Well at least not at the depth that you’re probably used to.

I always reach my limit on a holiday when I’m tired of looking at beautiful things. I cannot wait to get back to the daily routine when my purpose consisted of more than just enjoyment. This is always my reminder that life is pretty damn good. Because I want to return to it.