There was a time in my life when I wanted everything to be perfect.  You know the phrase “have all your ducks in a row?”  I would be the person making sure that the distance between them was exactly 3.5 cm.  Then I had a child and started adopting the motto “better done than perfect.”  Not only did I become more pragmatic but less of a pill.

The long and short of it is that life is not a three act play where people are going read their lines and behave the way you want on cue.  One of the most exciting aspects of life is the concept of free will and the ability make autonomous choices once you reach a certain age.  Wanting that dinner to go according to plan or that party to work out exactly so will just put you in a tizzy.  Tightly wound people will be the death of me I swear.

This is not to say that I don’t have great expectations.  I am my own harshest critic and expect a certain level of decorum and achievement from myself.  The only thing I take more seriously than my own success is the responsibility of parenting.  I like doing things well and this is one task that I do not want to fail at.  I’ve always been able to remain calm because most of my frazzled self happens below the surface.  Now, this does not mean that I’m not sometimes a spazz.  Highly driven people mostly are.  My husband recalls how most of his childhood friends were spazzes well into high school and they are now all well-adjusted, kind, high-achievers.  They are very good men.  So what can be considered strong-willed can be guided towards leadership and motivation if handled intelligently.  I love C’s spunk, though sometimes parenting him requires the patience of saints.  But, the last thing I want is to raise a mindless follower whose very identity depends on meeting normative benchmarks.  I remember when I was young I always wanted to know why I could or could not do something.  Being entrenched in an Asian household this was obviously defined as being impertinent but it really wasn’t.  I just wanted to reason and determine if what was instructed of me aligned with my values.  There’s nothing wrong with thinking for yourself.

But if there’s anyone that I want to be perfect for it’s for my son.  Hell, I would work three jobs if it meant that he received a private education.  It is up to me to provide him with as many opportunities as possible, to be an enabler.  Gaining high cultural capital is work but it is a form of enrichment and a life-long project.  I’m here to build up the conditions for these engagements.

So of course having a perfectionist as a mother will come with some pressure but those who know C best understand that he already recognizes precisely what he wants.  I don’t think there is a danger of him living for his parents.

I feel that my son will thank me down the road for not being bat-shit crazy.  Well, that is my sincere wish, lets see if it is the outcome.  I hope that he reflects in his twenties that I had certain expectations for his behavior but above all my semi-relaxed parenting style allowed him to find his way.  That I taught him not be afraid to make mistakes and respected his need for some semblance of a private life.

Those are my overarching goals but I have to negotiate the toddler years first.  There was a phase when I read so many parenting books and ended up thoroughly confusing myself.  After some research the consensus is that everyone will tell you how to do things but you need to decide which strategies work best for you.  We all need to come to terms with the fact that families are built on interactions between different temperaments.  We cannot help but have an impact on each other so you might as well lead by example and accept that even if you try, you cannot always present the best version of yourself.  Accept that you are human.

The French methods observed by Pamela Druckerman in “Bringing up Babe“ have influenced me greatly.  She has it right in thinking that many North American parents are obsessed with indulging their child’s every whim.  We as parents, especially mothers, are expected to bleed ourselves dry till we cannot sacrifice anymore.  What kind of life is that?  I’m sorry but I have no desire to live for my child and trust me, they will not be grateful for your overbearing ways.

In France, parents respect their child’s individuality and therefore try to create a relationship that considers their personality and preferences.  But to define one’s identity you need to have both hard limits and a great deal of freedom.  The French love their paradoxes non?  But it makes sense because if there were no rules how could anyone play the game?  Plus we live in a society where we are accountable to each other, so play nice.  Clearly these boundaries vary according to age but overall time-outs are warranted when the child causes physical harm or disrespects someone else.  Patience is key especially during the toddler years when they are still learning the social mores.  But I like that within this system you frame why they cannot do certain things because they don’t have the right to.  For example, your child does not have right to hit another child, Billy does not have the right be make fun of someone’s physical appearance.  Having discussions of this nature also involves speaking to your child in an adult manner and about concepts of considerable depth.  At all ages we need reminders that we strive to live in a respectful way.

Now, they lump together the rest of the behavior as some of annoyances and inconveniences that come with childhood.  Yes, they will probably be messy and have sensitive moments but that is part of the package.  Would I still explain to C why he cannot spread jam all over my walls (which he hasn’t by the way)?  Yes, because I don’t want him to go over to my friend’s house and do the same.  I don’t have the right to bring my child over to vandalize.  But the important lesson is to always explain why and in turn encourage him to ask why.

So many people have children and don’t want to actually parent.  It is not my job to be C’s friend.  It is my duty to try to lead him while providing him with some agency and most importantly to love him.  There will be times when he doesn’t like me very much, but that’s alright.  Self-worth and good values are far more important.