Blank slate

October 23, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

I want to buy my first house and paint it fifty shades of grey. Most people get rid of their IKEA furniture when they move in with someone or buy their condo. We are finally at that stage and I am so excited. I’m using the same precision I practice to rid myself of things I do not want, to thoughtfully invest in pieces I actually want to own now.

Furniture shopping with my husband is a constant negotiation. Ha. Much like our marriage. But still I’m pretty forthright when there is no room for discussion. I think my exact words are usually “that ugly-ass lamp is not coming with us.” His solution is to always put it in the basement. If you ever come over to our house you’ll understand why you are not allowed down there.

I am inspired by two schools of interior design because of their warmth: arts and crafts and french country. These styles look like actual people live in the space and it is not a transient hospital room or airport lounge. But the reality of making a house functional for a family is that you need clean, minimalist designs with materials that can be easily washed like leather, glass and metal. Plus, I think Andrew once cited an academic article about the connotations of low cultural capital associated with hoarding. He’s made his point.

If we’re going with contemporary, which is a melding our tastes, then I am going to work hard to add some humanity to it. Like with fashion I think rooms look awful when they’re too “done”. There is always one piece that puts it just over the top and makes it camp. The most stylish ladies look a bit undone. Even for the boardroom there is a way to balance your business casual to look like you didn’t come straight from Ann Taylor.

But these design objectives are reliant on us committing to living in a certain place. One time Andrew mused on how we are not “cottage people.” Funny thing coming from someone who never had a cottage to run to every weekend in the summer. But still, we both agreed that we’d rather go to Paris or any other place with museums and restaurants. I sometimes think that being rooted to one city scares him because we would have to get someone to water our plants or something.

I believe that it was John Green who said, “It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” Moving to the States was exhausting not just physically but mentally. Trying to make sense of all the different bureaucratic circles was harder than taking the MCATS. But I think in some ways Andrew reveled in it. During the snow storm last December when half of Toronto had no power, he looked to me and said, “I kind of like this because it means I have to problem-solve.”

We figure we’ll reevaluate things in five years and decide if we just commit and move to Europe. Some people call it a plan B, we call it an exit strategy. Furnished apartment, three suitcases, and you’re there.

Public

October 21, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Can a private person be active on various forms of social media? There must be some disconnect in keeping your personal life under wraps and putting it on display right? I think the line is fine and depends on where you want to set it.

As someone who writes on a blog three days a week about her everyday life and aspects of her past you must wonder how I even define myself as being private. Well, I very much am. I can count on one hand the number of people who I am truly myself around. Let me list them now: my husband, my mother, my son and my best friend K. Four. Four people whom I trust enough to reveal it all.

I write about all this stuff because it’s my way of learning. I document this not necessarily as a reference to mediate on later, I just think better with words. And the fact of the matter is that I think ALL the time so it’s nice to let some of it go, you know? I figure for all of the use that particularities can encourage, like respect and empathy, some of the universalities are sometimes good. We’ve all probably had the guy issues, blown off commitments, been a flake or broken people’s hearts. So it’s nice to know that it’s part of the narrative of life. That we’re all fumbling around a little and that frailty is allowed.

Plus, what you see here is a fraction of what’s actually going on and a sliver of what I want you to see. And whatever you read from it, be it neurosis, confidence, frustration, acceptance, all of those interpretations are perfectly acceptable. It’s meant to be read anyways, it’s public.

And that’s where there’s trouble. As someone who’s very much part of my history and obviously my present Andrew appears now and again in my writing. It doesn’t always make him comfortable because he’s so private. He’s hard to decipher but it’s intentional and I agree that it’s effective. If you show people all of your cards, you make yourself vulnerable to their critiques and ridicule. The difference between us is that I just assume that the feedback from the peanut gallery is just a part of developing as an individual. If you didn’t have that reflection, how could you possibly define who exactly you are? To know who you don’t want to be? Plus some critiques are meant to be dismissed. They make it too easy.

I think it’s common for anger to be defined as an undesirable trait. In some ways I do agree. People with higher emotional intelligence see the manipulative aspects of tantrums and how useless they are. Most of the time they just produce tears and people thinking that you’re kind of a loser. But I think that human emotions are far too complex to create such stark contrasts, like how the words neurotic and aware have different connotations but similar motivations. Don’t these people just want to see and question? Some just manage it better and they get placed behind the “fun” line on the spectrum. So management. Management and mystery.

I’ve always preferred to try to problem solve independently. It’s a force of habit. For all that you have to say about only children you have to admit that our hands don’t always need to be held. If that makes us distant, well so be it. At least we don’t advertise every paper cut. Most of us just put our heads down and get shit done.

#fail

October 20, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

The best advice I’ve ever received came from my friend K, who in his loud, witty way told me to buy a ticket. At the time it was in reference to some game we were playing but it stuck with me. Now I basically use it every time I consider a job opportunity or try to change my current reality.

The advantage of having a low threshold for humiliation is that you’re more careful. The disadvantage is that you’re more fearful. I used to be so afraid of failure that I missed out on some great opportunities. But if you don’t put in that application or volunteer that time or buy the fricken ticket the answer will always be “no.” The answer might still be “no” in the end but at least you were in the running.

This is all within reason of course. I’m pretty sure that one of the definers of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, looking for a different result. That or you’re a masochist. Of course don’t give up and try, try again. Just make sure that you change the parameters or the strategies.

There are so many ways that we get in our own way. We tell ourselves that we’re not good enough, that we suck at math, or that we’re not intelligent. It’s human nature to want to fuck it up for yourself because at least that way the rejection came from you and not from someone else.

When I was young I celebrated the Christmas holidays with my extended family. One year my mom and aunt got stress balls for the three of us. My cousin K got one that said “whatever” and a stick figure who didn’t care. T’s said something that doesn’t come to mind but probably had something with her “knowing what she’s doing.” Mine was pink, had a shaking person and said “me, nervous?” It’s not like they were saying anything that wasn’t common knowledge. I brooded over getting my ears pierced for two days till finally my aunt put a spray meant for freezing throats on my ears right before the procedure. I was a nervous wreck for a long time. I built things up so much in my mind and set the ground for overthinking it. Since then I’ve learnt to look objectively at the stakes, know that they’re not life or death, and to do my best. I’m also older so I can do something fun afterwards like go shopping or have some champagne. Yay! I screwed up! And just like that the sun rises and you move on.

For me, standardized tests used to be the enemy. Now I just know that the best thing to do is study. Duh. But don’t psych yourself out when the time comes to put that learning into practice. You deserve better. You are better.

Update: T’s stress ball said “I’m not listening.” Ha. Fits her to a T.

Dotted line

October 17, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

There is no better motivator, the thing that gets you down to business, than looking to buy a home. Yes, please let me go into debt so that I can live out the American dream of owning property. Where do I sign? But seriously though, when the price is right and the interior is nice I sometimes say, what, is this house haunted? All jokes aside though it’s so motivating to see your starter home within reach especially after years of being a graduate student.

I also am living in a town in Massachusetts where housing prices are reasonable and you can obtain some beautiful properties and still not be a slave to your work. The white picket fences naturally fit in a community where people hold open doors, ask “how you doing?” and smile. They actually strive to be good neighbors. God, I come from a city where everyone minds their own business and if someone smiled at me on the street I’d wonder if they were about to rob me. This place is wearing down some of the cynicism. Slightly. It’s nice not to be a big grump anymore.

What I feel more reflexive about is how I used to feel sorry for those who didn’t live in large urban centers. For awhile Toronto was the centre of the universe and those who were not within her orbit were just dreadfully unlucky. But the fact is, I would roll my eyes at the old me. There are different ways of living and being.

There are self-important people who feel that their bleeding hearts do the world a service. Even if you sent them an email with images of your new house and tell them that your dreams of escrow finally came true, they would find a way to feel sorry for you. Because you know, you might feel at home but you live in the country. To these individuals I just want to draw a distinction between empathy and taking away someone’s agency. Not everyone wants to be just like you. If someone is struggling, of course be supportive, open and there but they can probably do without your worry. Because these types of interactions quickly become stale and can even verge on toxic. They just might take the next flight out of town to not be stifled by the weight of your expectations. Chill.

Line em up

October 15, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

There was a time in my life when I wanted everything to be perfect. You know the phrase “have all your ducks in a row?” I would be the person making sure that the distance between them was exactly 3.5 cm. Then I had a child and started adopting the motto “better done than perfect.” Not only did I become more pragmatic but less of a pill.

The long and short of it is that life is not a three act play where people are going read their lines and behave the way you want on cue. One of the most exciting aspects of life is the concept of free will and the ability make autonomous choices once you reach a certain age. Wanting that dinner to go according to plan or that party to work out exactly so will just put you in a tizzy. Tightly wound people will be the death of me I swear.

This is not to say that I don’t have great expectations. I am my own harshest critic and expect a certain level of decorum and achievement from myself. The only thing I take more seriously than my own success is the responsibility of parenting. I like doing things well and this is one task that I do not want to fail at. I’ve always been able to remain calm because most of my frazzled self happens below the surface. Now, this does not mean that I’m not sometimes a spazz. Highly driven people mostly are. My husband recalls how most of his childhood friends were spazzes well into high school and they are now all well-adjusted, kind, high-achievers. They are very good men. So what can be considered strong-willed can be guided towards leadership and motivation if handled intelligently. I love C’s spunk, though sometimes parenting him requires the patience of saints. But, the last thing I want is to raise a mindless follower whose very identity depends on meeting normative benchmarks. I remember when I was young I always wanted to know why I could or could not do something. Being entrenched in an Asian household this was obviously defined as being impertinent but it really wasn’t. I just wanted to reason and determine if what was instructed of me aligned with my values. There’s nothing wrong with thinking for yourself.

But if there’s anyone that I want to be perfect for it’s for my son. Hell, I would work three jobs if it meant that he received a private education. It is up to me to provide him with as many opportunities as possible, to be an enabler. Gaining high cultural capital is work but it is a form of enrichment and a life-long project. I’m here to build up the conditions for these engagements.

So of course having a perfectionist as a mother will come with some pressure but those who know C best understand that he already recognizes precisely what he wants. I don’t think there is a danger of him living for his parents.

Numbers

October 12, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

“I don’t want to watch that, it has old people in it,” says my husband of Sarah Polley’s film Away from Her. Now before you balk at the insensitivity of his remark about the elderly or Alzheimer’s, ask yourself, is he saying something none of us have thought ourselves? Who actually wants to get old? It’s the phase in life when your body slows and bears the scars of your experiences. The very lucky get to maintain their wits but that’s never a guarantee. But lets be positive. The polite adjective is distinguished but I believe it’s accurate. Just think of all that you have accomplished and learned.

I’ve never been one to squeeze every last minute of a fun experience. I don’t have a fear of missing out. I leave the bar when I get bored. So, when I reflect on the process of aging I hope that the universe will take this into consideration. I don’t really have the desire to reach the point when I’m no longer present and drooling. When I’m just delaying the inevitable.

So instead I choose to view this life phase as an opportunity more than a hindrance. But to acquire this perspective one needs foresight and planning. Do I want to take those vacations when my joints can’t take it? Hell no. I want to see all of those places when I’m willing and able. I’m not going to be rushing to get things done at the very end. I plan on taking my own sweet time. Do I want to feel that things were so much better in the past? This is the very definition of an “old” person. Things change all the time and that is a gift. We are so lucky that every passing day allows for greater recognition of difference and the human condition.

One of my favorite television shows is BBC’s “As Time Goes By.” Starring Judi Dench and Geoffrey Palmer, the series chronicles the meeting of two sweethearts who lost touch during the war. They reconnect and realize the depth of their feelings after marriages, children and careers. After so very much. Not only is the writing and rapport between the actors perfection but I like the sentiment behind it. That it’s never too late to enjoy life, to enjoy each other. Isn’t it Dylan Thomas who said “do not go gently into that good night?” I rather not fight it, but will take it for what it’s worth. Shall we?

Cheers.

Do us part

October 9, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

It’s not particularly novel or cutting-edge to depict the dangers of marriage in popular culture. It’s actually a service to society that the prevalence of domestic violence is brought to light. Sadly they have a lot of material to work from. To honor the release of the film Gone Girl, which I hope is infinitely better than the novel, I am going to feature two thrillers that are working within this genre.

There is a spoiler so skip over the next paragraph if you want to wait. Actually, the whole post is a spoiler. Stop here please if you want to wait. Seriously.

I’ll get to the critique right off the bat. The sad reality is that bullies on the playground sometimes grow up to be weak men who push around their wives. But as soon as a writer creates a character like Amy who pushes back, she is of course absolutely crazy. I’m not denying that she is, just that real-life women who are trying to leave emotionally and verbally abusive relationships are not one or the other, a weakling or a psychopath. Adultery and never growing up are forms of emotional abuse in my books, Amy just goes way out of line for her just desserts. The useful lesson from Gillian Flynn’s best-seller is to bring attention to the fact that women are not the only victims. There is a reason why it’s called “spousal” abuse.

Another fighter is Christine in SJ Watson’s “Before I go to sleep.” I read this book when we first moved to Massachusetts, in an empty condo with a sleeping child and my husband at work. It scared the living daylights out of me to say the least. Silence is not your best friend in these situations. Christine is desperately trying to piece together her life after a horrific accident where she suffered severe memory loss. Each morning she wakes up and cannot reclaim her short-term memory. This results in her husband being a stranger and her telling herself that she is in love with him. I’m not going to give much else away because it’s just too good to spoil. Lets just say that something is not quite right and you too will be as desperate as her to figure out the “truth”.

Both novels also address the power of memory and how it’s very much shaped by context. If you lost all those fragments tomorrow and had to rely on other people telling you the significance, just imagine how meaningless it would become. It also reminds us how much we mediate on what we remember and change it. There is no absolute truth and that’s what creates such a chasm between Amy, Christine and their sleaze bags husbands. I think this is a great lesson here on how unhappy you can become if you put so much weight on making memories and capturing the happiness. Sure, joy is meaningless when it’s not shared but being able to live for yourself would also make your life more sane and manageable. Amy’s problem is that she is clueless to her own flaws. Nick not remembering some random outing does not a thoughtless bastard make. Probably gives some perspective to our own idiosyncrasies non? To try to see the forest for the trees?

Fabulous

October 8, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

A part of me feels that fashion articles are redundant because the concept of personal style is, well, personal. But I am the first to clamber over advice on how to dress, especially if it is being peddled by French women. Guiding principles never hurt anybody. Do I believe that everyone has their own fashion sense? Yes. Do I think they always look good? No. But it’s not my opinion that matters, it’s your own.

With my interest in sartorial culture I have learnt a thing or two. So here are a couple of my strategies on defining what works for you:

1. Look

I’m always looking at fashion blogs, images and items to be purchased online. I do this for two reasons: I love beautiful things and I want to train my eye. I want to decisively pick items that could work in several different combinations and builds on what I currently own. Know what’s in your closet and maximize their value by changing things up and using them again.

2. Listen…

to your gut. Pulling off that outfit is all about how you carry yourself so if you feel like a million bucks chances are that someone will think so too. But wear those clothes mostly for yourself and keep it real. When I gained my freshmen 15+ during undergrad I was in denial and kept on buying the smaller sizes. Trust, it does not help the muffin top to have your jeans be a corset. Accept the larger number and do what feels right for you. Do you want to be smaller? Great. Do you love the curves? Perfect. Just own it.

3. Don’t be a fashion plate.

I buy quality items and they are classic, clean and minimal. They are often in neutral shades because I have a high aversion to looking like a table cloth. Simplicity never gets old. The very worst street style images consist of individuals who have adopted every current trend in one outfit. They’ll have the high bun, running shoes, leather tote, larger watch and fedora. All at once. It’s too much. Stagger out the fabulousness.

4. But be yourself.

This past summer I asked my husband for his opinion about an outfit and he said “well at least it doesn’t have holes in them.” I’m lucky in that I rarely have intervene when it comes to his appearance. He’s fashionable and having his tall, lean, strong build does not hurt either. So I love that I have a partner in crime when it comes to these things. Do I agree with his opinion about distressed jeans? No, because I like them.

5. Be reflexive.

Even when it comes to personal style I ask the social motivation behind it. Hmm, how do I say this with political correctness in mind? Fashion often involves co-opting articles of clothing that are worn by members of a specific socio-economic status. The fashionable part is in the contrast. The distressed jeans paired with the crisp white dress-shirt and Louboutins. The Madewell plaid that did not come from the thrift shop combined with the J Brand jeans. So how is this problematic? Is it respectful? I don’t know.

Fashion is so easy to discredit. Those who take themselves so seriously will probably conclude that it’s superficial and there are more important matters to concern themselves with. Well of course there are. But being informed about world affairs and looking presentable are not mutually exclusive. To each his own but being kind of clueless about your physical appearance does not necessarily make you more highbrow. Sorry.

Cosmic

October 6, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I have a photograph on my Tumblr blog that states “what if the one that got away came back?” Ten years ago, heck three years ago, a statement like this would have made me swoon. I keep it on my blog now to remind me not to be a fool. He is never coming back and if he got away, well, maybe it was for the best. Forget chasing and dodge that bullet.

I’ve smartened up because I’ve learnt the hard way that pining over something in the past is so completely useless. It’s probably the very opposite of being productive and you end up not loving individuals around you like they so deserve. But I see the pull. The past is so much easier to figure out because it’s already happened, the present is what you’re working through now. The bigger picture is mostly granted with experience but the good news is that we almost always learn to live with whatever plays out.

Don’t worry, being less naive has not made a cynic out of me. When I say that he’s never coming back, I just mean maybe not this lifetime. If you’re one to believe in karma like I do, you probably also subscribe to the idea that souls are somehow linked. Now this is not soulmate with a capital S where there is only one person in the world who can make you happy. How absurd is that, especially when you are growing everyday? No, I believe that you only get that surge of energy when you meet someone, when your entire body reacts towards them because you’ve met before. I believe that a couple of us circle each other lifetime after lifetime and the relationships are not always romantic. Sometimes you’re siblings, platonic friends or enemies and because of your karma it might take a few tries to actually be together.

I’ve felt that seismic jolt a couple of times like I’m sure we all have. There’s happiness in knowing that we’ll probably meet again no?

“See you next lifetime brother.” If you watch Lost you’ll get the significance of that statement. God, Desmond was my favourite.

Bestie

October 3, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

For someone who says that she relates much better to women, I was one of those girls who ditched all their friends for her boyfriend. Truth be told I’m surprised that it’s not more common. First loves are all-consuming and I was lucky enough to gain a best friend in the process. I ended up marrying him too. When we spend time together we just have that kind of rapport. We problem-solve, fight and enjoy life’s pleasures first and foremost as individuals choosing to be together. As best buds.

It was only as I matured that I learnt the distinction between my partner and my friends. They are different and serve distinct purposes. The reality of it is that my husband is the person I trust the most and go to first. No one will ever take that position, no matter the amount of love and affection I have for them. But with a friend, the relationship is lighter though no less significant. It’s nice to have a breather from your legally-binding teammate.

What I can say about my best friend K is that she is the very best of people. She is considerate, generous, fun and above all very well-raised. We work because we have the same expectations for what our friendship will entail. Currently we are living on separate coasts but even when we were in the same city we were not in each other’s faces. What I like about K is that she is low-maintenance. There are no hurt feelings about not having Skype dates or questions about what we mean to each other. The simple answer is that we love each other, are in each other’s lives but don’t need constant updates. Nothing changes.

If I had to name what I admire about her, it is her loyalty. K was there for me through some tough times in undergrad and beyond and she is there for me still. That’s why she was my maid of honor and my son’s godmother. She is so very honourable. I can’t even list all the ways that she has been such a good friend. I just hope that I can be the same and repay half of what she has given so unconditionally.

So if you find your bestie consider yourself lucky, because not everyone gets that privilege.