Bestie

October 3, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

For someone who says that she relates much better to women, I was one of those girls who ditched all their friends for her boyfriend. Truth be told I’m surprised that it’s not more common. First loves are all-consuming and I was lucky enough to gain a best friend in the process. I ended up marrying him too. When we spend time together we just have that kind of rapport. We problem-solve, fight and enjoy life’s pleasures first and foremost as individuals choosing to be together. As best buds.

It was only as I matured that I learnt the distinction between my partner and my friends. They are different and serve distinct purposes. The reality of it is that my husband is the person I trust the most and go to first. No one will ever take that position, no matter the amount of love and affection I have for them. But with a friend, the relationship is lighter though no less significant. It’s nice to have a breather from your legally-binding teammate.

What I can say about my best friend K is that she is the very best of people. She is considerate, generous, fun and above all very well-raised. We work because we have the same expectations for what our friendship will entail. Currently we are living on separate coasts but even when we were in the same city we were not in each other’s faces. What I like about K is that she is low-maintenance. There are no hurt feelings about not having Skype dates or questions about what we mean to each other. The simple answer is that we love each other, are in each other’s lives but don’t need constant updates. Nothing changes.

If I had to name what I admire about her, it is her loyalty. K was there for me through some tough times in undergrad and beyond and she is there for me still. That’s why she was my maid of honor and my son’s godmother. She is so very honourable. I can’t even list all the ways that she has been such a good friend. I just hope that I can be the same and repay half of what she has given so unconditionally.

So if you find your bestie consider yourself lucky, because not everyone gets that privilege.

Dear John

October 1, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Amidst all of the celebrities having their nude images leaked I said to Andrew, “how many times have we done long distance and there is not a single naked photo of me?” Where are all the photographs of all the male celebrities without their clothes on? Trust me, they exist but would never cause such a stir so what’s the point of releasing them? Do not even get me started on that.

Andrew and I have been in a long distance relationship so many times that I’ve lost count. And it will happen again. He is in a field where you go on sabbatical every six years. If I’m not in the position to leave my job for months at a time he will be living elsewhere on his own. Plus, after a certain age you can’t pull your kids out of educational institutions to enroll them in international schools abroad. So there you go.

But I feel like we’ve almost mastered it. I spoke too soon when upon returning from my year in Thailand I said that we would never be apart again. We’re sticking to those promises as best we can because I am currently living with him in the States where his tenure-track position is located. Not that I would have it any other way. There are few things better than adventure. But soon enough I will have my own obligations and be fully to committed to my career. I’m confident that it won’t break us though and here’s why. The secret is to live your life and have faith in each other. The days pass and then bam, you’re together again.

The fine print is that there has to be a time-limit. If there is no end-point in sight you do run the risk of wanting someone else. I’ve never been particularly good at long distance and the only person I would work at it for is Andrew. I have no desire to wait by the phone. So eventually this may wear on you and begin to fragment what you have together. Here’s the reality, short and sweet. Eventually you may get tired of waiting full stop, especially when someone could be there in your everyday. Because the best part of the distance is that it makes your relationship have urgency. The catch-up after a lengthy time apart is always passionate and exciting. But there is also something to be said for waking up next to each other and being able to speak to someone about your context and them actually getting it. Of course there are exceptions but overall one of you may have to make the move to make the relationship sustainable for the long run. Sunday brunches every weekend never gets old but jealously sure does.

The chase

September 29, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

When Matthew McConaughey won an Oscar for Best Actor he said that his hero is five years away. And he’s right, you should always be chasing and not be complacent. My husband and I try to put this outlook into practice. We are always looking forward.

Now, this strategy exists in our plans for a year in Paris, it’s present in our current monthly budget that will add to our savings for a mortgage, it’s there on the steps we take for our careers. We put aside pleasure now to have something bigger and better later. Delayed gratification so that the rewards are bigger. Granted we’ve had a lot of practice. Andrew left his corporate job to pursue a graduate education. People believed that he was indulgent and that it was risky but he did it anyways. And now, he’s living his life on his own terms and very happy. In the end it’s always worth it. The funny part is that the doubters are usually there to offer congratulations at the end when things are good. Too bad about all that middle part. But this is when you are gracious and accept their sentiments.

At the core of this is simply one of the sound bytes that you heard from your mother, teacher or guidance counselor. Set goals and take intentional steps to reach them. That’s not to say that there is a set path that if you diverge from will result in disaster. No, there are always different ways to go and it’s very much a process. One must be resilient and keep at it but there is no distinct end point or time-limit. Trust, when you finally obtain it you will always want more.

We set similar objectives for our marriage and personal life. We’ve discussed our 25th wedding anniversary throughout our marriage and have very specific plans. Having aspirations such as these also means that we’re trying to stay married for at least 25 years. We are not going to host a lavish dinner party. Been there, done that with the wedding. We want the celebration to be about us, not for other people. That’s why a month in Provence in a chateau is everything we want. We want that time to reflect on what we share, to be with each other and to be with the people we love most. I want to break bread and be content. We’ve also discussed our gifts. I’m going to purchase a Rolex for him and he’ll buy a Chanel purse for me. Then Andrew noticed that around our 25th anniversary is when C will be heading off to university. He realized financially that would be a pain. So we looked at each other and at the same moment said “what about the 30th for the gifts?” We may be dreamers but we are also pragmatic.

Maman

September 26, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I feel that my son will thank me down the road for not being bat-shit crazy. Well, that is my sincere wish, lets see if it is the outcome. I hope that he reflects in his twenties that I had certain expectations for his behavior but above all my semi-relaxed parenting style allowed him to find his way. That I taught him not be afraid to make mistakes and respected his need for some semblance of a private life.

Those are my overarching goals but I have to negotiate the toddler years first. There was a phase when I read so many parenting books and ended up thoroughly confusing myself. After some research the consensus is that everyone will tell you how to do things but you need to decide which strategies work best for you. We all need to come to terms with the fact that families are built on interactions between different temperaments. We cannot help but have an impact on each other so you might as well lead by example and accept that even if you try, you cannot always present the best version of yourself. Accept that you are human.

The French methods observed by Pamela Druckerman in “Bringing up Babe“ have influenced me greatly. She has it right in thinking that many North American parents are obsessed with indulging their child’s every whim. We as parents, especially mothers, are expected to bleed ourselves dry till we cannot sacrifice anymore. What kind of life is that? I’m sorry but I have no desire to live for my child and trust me, they will not be grateful for your overbearing ways.

In France, parents respect their child’s individuality and therefore try to create a relationship that considers their personality and preferences. But to define one’s identity you need to have both hard limits and a great deal of freedom. The French love their paradoxes non? But it makes sense because if there were no rules how could anyone play the game? Plus we live in a society where we are accountable to each other, so play nice. Clearly these boundaries vary according to age but overall time-outs are warranted when the child causes physical harm or disrespects someone else. Patience is key especially during the toddler years when they are still learning the social mores. But I like that within this system you frame why they cannot do certain things because they don’t have the right to. For example, your child does not have right to hit another child, Billy does not have the right be make fun of someone’s physical appearance. Having discussions of this nature also involves speaking to your child in an adult manner and about concepts of considerable depth. At all ages we need reminders that we strive to live in a respectful way.

Now, they lump together the rest of the behavior as some of annoyances and inconveniences that come with childhood. Yes, they will probably be messy and have sensitive moments but that is part of the package. Would I still explain to C why he cannot spread jam all over my walls (which he hasn’t by the way)? Yes, because I don’t want him to go over to my friend’s house and do the same. I don’t have the right to bring my child over to vandalize. But the important lesson is to always explain why and in turn encourage him to ask why.

So many people have children and don’t want to actually parent. It is not my job to be C’s friend. It is my duty to try to lead him while providing him with some agency and most importantly to love him. There will be times when he doesn’t like me very much, but that’s alright. Self-worth and good values are far more important.

Chit chat

September 24, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I don’t know if it’s my own self-centeredness or the self-centeredness of others that makes my mind wander. To put it bluntly, I really don’t care. I think it’s in the details where you lose me. I don’t need to know every minutiae of daily life. Most people are ill-equipped to be human pro/con lists to manage risk. At this point you are wondering how I have any friends. The truth is that I try to keep my life as simple as possible, which means that my closest friends generally get to the point. I return the favor by being succinct myself.

When I delve deeper into the motivations of my intolerance it’s that I don’t like indecisiveness. You know that inability to make decision stems from fear. Fear of faltering, fear of messing up. Now this is where I get confused. If you decide to go one route and it ends up being a mistake there are two outcomes: you live with it or you fix it. How does this exactly affect members of your inner circle?

Additionally, the sticking point for me is the distinction between a conversation and a monologue. Having a discussion with someone means that there is a give and take. You speak a bit about your experiences and then you ask a question or two and allow that person to elaborate. Or perhaps they will interject at an appropriate moment and offer their point of view, which will trigger how your situation relates to something in their past. This form of interaction is stimulating and offers the potential to form bonds through commonalities and rapport. Who actually likes to be talked at? Now this all hinges on the person you’re speaking to being open-minded. Judgey people are often the most boring.

Listening is the most important skill one can master. The very best people listen much more than they speak. Their contributions are thoughtful and considered. My inability to hear people’s words and my short attention-span are two of my worst traits and ones that I’m truly trying to improve. I’m trying to care, really. But if being self-involved means that I’m reflexive, well that’s just something that’s never going to go away. Being critical and judgmental are two different barrels of fish.

Help!

September 12, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

My grandmother always said that your relatives are forced to love you but you want to make the job as easy as possible. I suppose it is true that there is a social code that encourages for family members to be supportive, forgiving and tolerant of flaws. But is blood really thicker than water? I’m not quite sure and this belief is put into even more question when you move somewhere else.

One of the realities that comes with relocating to a new city is that you have fewer people to count on. Of course you make friends and meet your neighbours but they probably don’t want to drive you to the airport at 6am or pick you up medication on their way home from work. Nor should they have to. I think we all prepare for this before the moving vans are packed because we don’t want to be shocked upon arrival. You expect to cocoon into each other, make a party of three and lean in. What is not spoken about enough are all the ways that people do help you, the various times they go out of their way to make life easier.

Most of our belongings are traveling by land in a truck, stowed away in boxes or bubble wrap. These possessions are all that we carry and they bumble along the road of life much like we do. It takes time to cross the US-Canada border and days pass before the miles are traversed and these reminders and memories land at your doorstep. So you plan and prepare your suitcase to last a few days, in our case it will be closer to two weeks. The positives about moving to a neighbouring country are that the culture and currency are similar and the language is the same. So you buy all those objects to start a home, to survive and eventually thrive. Now, what you travel with as a single or even a couple is very different from boarding a plane with a toddler. Extra baggage in the form of car seats and fold-out cots are essential along with a carry-on suitcase of toys. This is when it gets heavy and tricky. What surprises you most in these situations is the kindness of others: the stranger on the airport shuttle who helps you unload your bags, the other passengers who don’t roll their eyes at your fussy child and the rental car agent who leaves his desk and carries your suitcases right to your car.

When you begin a new job you know that your first connections will be with your colleagues. This will be one of your circles, maybe not an inner one but an important one nonetheless. So when they host a barbecue to welcome you on your first weekend in the state and serve you lobster tail, scallops and shrimps, basically the best that New England has to offer, your heart aches a little, and not in a bad way. But you do get a bit teary when they buy your son organic animal crackers, juice boxes from Whole Foods and crayons galore. When from the start they treat you with a warmth and genuine care that you only expect from your relatives and those who know you most, you are surprised and humbled.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve experienced this form of support or friendship. During my fieldwork in Thailand so many individuals offered such great advice, help and camaraderie that can make a place less daunting and lonely. I remember when my colleague and friend V picked me up from the Chiang Mai airport because I had never lived alone in a foreign country before. She got me home, gave me water, and turned on the fan, basically the first things you need when you’re a bit intimidated and unsure. I also cannot say enough of my friend M who drove me to the mall to get a cellphone and to grocery stores countless times to get good cheese and chocolate. My roommates L and K allowed me to hitch so many rides to jazz bars and cinemas because I could not operate a motorbike. Well, I could but not without severely compromising my personal safety and the safety of others.

All of these experiences with such giving and generous friends makes you want to be better. You hope for opportunities to help someone out and pay it forward because you were so lucky to find what and who you need, when you needed it the most.

From my heart, thank you.

Entitlement

September 10, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

“For the first time in my life there is no logical next step and it’s fucking amazing.” That was supposed to be the first sentence of this blog post. I had meant to finish it weeks ago but never got around to it. Perspectives shift when you’re actually in the middle of it. I guess that’s why they call it lived experience. Along with the “fucking amazing” there is a more grounded sense of unease, but it’s not fear. It’s not like the feeling before the drop on a roller coaster, it’s more like you’re a kid on the first day of school. Nothing is worn, the pencils are fresh and there is the potential for something new. I’m not just standing on a conveyor belt. I’m actually thinking about what it is I want.

The last time I did this was when I was failing miserably at a science undergrad and basically felt like a big fat loser. I use the word “fat” because it was when I was the heaviest. I’m an emotional eater so I also seem to gain a few pounds when things aren’t at its finest. What was worse though was losing my confidence and questioning my level of intelligence. This was precisely the turning point when I needed to put on the boots and sludge through something I hated or work towards a goal I loved. Both paths required the Wellies and hate to say it but some shit to walk through. So I chose for it to be meaningful and close to my heart, even if that meant not having a B.Sc but god forbid a B.A and feeling the weight of my parents’ disappointment for close to a year. In a family with a long line of physicians a Bachelor of Arts degree probably seems like I majored in basket weaving. For me personally, it was far more valuable than knowing the table of elements and quantitative formulas. It provided me with critical thinking skills and a political frame. It woke me right up.

I’m at a similar crossroad now since I’m close to finishing my doctoral degree. Graduate school is a process, a negotiation and it’s far from linear. It requires you be resilient, to work hard and be open to always improve. These are lessons and skills that are easily translated into various fields, the issue is that I don’t quite know what that “field” currently will be or what that “job” will look like. There are ideas, concepts and dreams that just need to coalesce into something more solid and less abstract. One of my major faults has been to follow along with societal and familial expectations. Always having been such a “good” girl I’ve never wanted to disappoint. Thankfully as you age Shakespeare’s words about “to thine own self be true” becomes more of a life mantra than a high school English essay. At the end of the day you are only accountable to yourself so what sort of things do you devote your time to? Making yourself miserable for the pay cheque no longer cuts it. As much as I am thankful for all of the opportunities that grad school has offered, I’m also ready to leave. I believe a workplace and a career should surround you with inspiration, should ignite your passion, and it should not be a chore. Am I asking for too much? Every few months the New York Times or Slate will publish an article about my “generation.” We as the Sesame Street cohort has apparently been told all our lives that we’re “special” so we have unrealistic expectations about our present and future, that we are too entitled. In my humble opinion, there is nothing wrong with working at it till you get it right. Till you are good and satisfied.

Light my way

September 8, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

You knew the night out in undergrad was over when they turned on the ugly lights. The lights that allow you to see your runny make-up, precisely how intoxicated you are and question if you actually want to go home with the person you’ve been dancing with for past half hour. This is all hypothetical of course because I always went home with the person I was dancing with, my longterm boyfriend at the time, my husband now. But it’s strange how this form of illumination makes you recognize how the alcohol, hip hop and darkness made you feel so free. A moment in time when no one cared. It’s the signal to get home that brings you back to reality, whether it’s that you have the class to get up for the next day, a paper to finish or that you fully regret that last pint that you’re going to pay for tomorrow morning.

I find similarities between this and the process of settling somewhere new. Even if it hurts you kind of just have to look life in the face. It’s always the mundane things that you do, little by little, that makes it hit home that you actually don’t have a home anymore and that your current surroundings are half-finished versions of a place to belong. That there’s still a ways to go. Eventually the light goes on that things have changed.

My realization hit me through metal objects of high practical value: when I changed up my keys and emptied out my change purse. When I placed my new keys onto my ring they were so heavy. So I thought, I certainly do not have a need to open any doors in Toronto the near future, so why not just put them away for now. And that’s precisely what I did. I put them in a place where I would not to lose them: in the pockets of my luggage. That’s when I knew that I would never need them without the gear to take me back, a temporary vessel of my belongings for my temporary visit. That place was basically gone from my day to day life and that was fucking sad. Secondly, I kept going into stores and struggling to give exact change to purchases. This was not just annoying but again, cluttering my wallet with weight. So I emptied out the currency that I did not need into a ziploc to use on my next visit. Just like we sold or gave away everything we could before boarding that flight, we were dropping weight every chance we got. Physically I might have felt lighter but the emotional baggage will take time to shed.

Now this is my nostalgia talking and I know that it will go away. The longing will lessen with a schedule, new friends, new plans. Just like how I explain to my son that his grandparents live in a different city that we have to take an airplane to, I’m constantly reminded of not just the physical distance but the emotional one. Lives always go on and in the best of ways. After every month long visit to Burma where I savoured every last minute with my family, my grandmother would always chide me at the airport when I would get too emotional. We were raised to be stoic and an outpouring of tears was the furthest thing from being dignified. She used to say, “we’ve had our fun right?” And of course we did. And we will again. Just like goodbyes are always made worse by prolonging it, you just have to do it. Like Neil Patrick Harris’ character on HIMYM always used to say, “fact, when I get sad I just be awesome instead.” So be awesome and if you’re sad, buy a ticket.

Nerves

September 2, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

As of late I often scrunch my nose up at compositions that start with quotes set in italics. Why would you start with words other than your own? I do understand the intention behind it. That you are setting up a theme or frame for where you want your story to go. It’s like in a horror film when they build tension with foreshadowing. And sometimes it works, especially when an author says something that is in your heart better than you could. So here it is:

If your Nerve, deny you—

Go above your Nerve—

EMILY DICKINSON

Seriously though, what could get you more riled up to fight than that? And how true it is. The very best things I’ve done were accomplished when I was scared but did it anyways. When I didn’t want to be chicken shit.

I’ve just undergone a major life change by moving to a new city. There is some unfinished business in Toronto mainly tied to going back to defend my dissertation but other than that the field is wide open. We’ve uprooted ourselves for my husband’s work but also to grow up a little. It’s our job to slowly but surely build up our world and craft new meanings in a place where the surroundings are strange. We’re in the phase when we’re still trying to orient ourselves, gain some stability and are desperately searching for landmarks. This is all helped by how incredibly nice people in MA generally are. When we visited a few months ago to secure housing and set the scene for what was to come we thought that we were in the phase when everything is good. Surely because we were speaking to people in the service or hotel industry, their job is to make everyone comfortable. But now, after a few days of engaging with different people from all walks of life, Jesus Christ, they are still so considerate. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this place produced the Kennedy family and Matt Damon. No wonder Ben Affleck and Mark Wahlberg are obsessed and continue to write and direct films about this place. They are polite, say their “excuse me”s and generally have an openness to want to chat or meet new people. I’m looking forward to connecting with a book club, mommy group or fundraising society to further my network. I feel like there is potential for them to be positive experiences.

Now I write all of this a couple of days in when there is clarity and calm. After everything from the flight, airport and various administrative errands have gone more or less smoothly. Knock on wood. But to be honest on my last night in Toronto, I was in the fetal position with tears in my eyes, telling my husband I was scared. And God I was embarrassed for behaving this way because I usually see it as being weak. But it’s part of human nature to be sad to leave loved ones and a place that is so familiar and good. Like anything worth having though, you jump right in and keep on working through the pain. Well that’s my philosophy these days anyways. Because what choice do we have? My husband is a Professor and secured this position before graduating. This is a tenure-track position and it has the potential of being one for life. He’s also lucky that they want him enough to sponsor him to work in the United States, that he had the means to complete those degrees that gave him the credentials and that his skill sets are specialized enough. He understands his privilege. So you go where the job is and you have to find your footing. I just feel blessed that it’s looking like a place that we’d like to be.

If I’m honest though I can’t count on being completely rooted. Although the area we live in is beautiful, affluent and safe, I miss the city already. I miss the noise, the people, the pollution and being able to walk around the corner to find something to do. But my home is out there, I’ll just have a couple of rest stops along the way. And thankfully, the people and the food are good. The ocean is beautiful. You enjoy the upswings with the knowledge of the downs right? If that’s the case, it’s all good.

The path

August 22, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I picked up Cheryl Strayed’s memoir “Wild” precisely because she does the exact opposite of what I would do if I was having a tough time: she takes a hike. No, literally she hikes the Pacific Crest trail. God, I wouldn’t do it voluntarily much less when I’m trying to sort through some issues. But this was Strayed’s path to reemerging from her destructive engagements with drugs and toxic relationships. After losing her mother suddenly to cancer and having her personal life fall apart, those tactics of heroin and meaningless sex were an attempt to numb the pain. “Wild” is how she found her way back.

There has been so much praise and press over this work but I was reluctant to commit to reading it. Perhaps it’s because she takes on a task that is both daunting and completely unappealing to me. Sometimes I don’t post certain images onto my Tumblr account because even though they’re pretty I know that I wouldn’t actually enjoy it. You know those really grey pictures with cliffs and the ocean? I know that in real life I would want to look at it for a total of 2 minutes, be cold and want to get back into the car to drive back to the inn. If I needed the space to regroup I would either overcommit to work or be somewhere warm and uncomplicated. In both scenarios I would be comfortable. Even after forcing myself to give the book a shot there were sections where my eyes glazed over. Really, it’s meaningless to me what material her sleeping bag is made of or what type of purifying salts she used. But then as her story progressed I completely understood why she was providing her detailed shopping list. She took on such a goal to return to the very basics. Her life had become so full of distractions she needed to only focus on survival and keeping herself alive. And those very material goods were what kept her from falling off an edge and disappearing for good. By saving herself numerous times she was ashamed of her reckless behaviour previously. She begins to respect her body again.

The hike itself is a metaphor for her personal journey and the plot twists make you wonder how it will all end. In grade 11 we had to fit the life a famous person into the hero’s journey. The whole purpose of this exercise was to teach you the elements of this type of narrative to incorporate into your own original work. But tropes become that way for a reason: we all like to think that we are on a hero’s journey, that we will triumph in the end. The pattern was pretty straightforward: there’s the beginning and childhood that’s fairly uneventful, a calling or talent that brings fame and notoriety, happiness, a setback and then the triumph. I chose Billie Holliday and it was really difficult to fit her life into this design because she had had so many problems, the resolutions were not definite victories and her last few years weren’t exactly a triumph. Then again, her art is her triumph and that will always remain right? But still, this assignment taught me more about the ambiguities in life rather than how to write a good story.

Many of us hope for a long and happy life where at the end there will be a lot clarity. Perhaps in our last years we’ll have so much time to reflect on how our life resembled the hero’s journey. We’ll also be at the life stage where we’re more forgiving of ourselves and can rebrand mistakes as simply tests along the way. Even if tragedy strikes and you don’t get this type of ending, those who loved you most will see your story in this way. They will remember all of the good. But if we all took on the attitude that it all gets sorted in the end would we have taken more chances along the way to live a bigger or grander life? Perhaps we would chase after more of those dreams. Maybe we wouldn’t give up so easily. And that’s the best part of Cheryl Strayed’s story, she has the skill to use words and phrases to properly butcher people’s hearts. She is raw, honest and forthcoming of all the ways she diverged and digressed. But the best thing she teaches us is to keep on walking. That we all end up somewhere.