Charm

December 3, 2014December 8, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

For all intents and purposes I am now living in Stars Hollow. If you don’t catch that reference, shame on you. I demand that you catch up on the fabulousness that is “Gilmore Girls” on Netflix tonight. Seriously though, small towns are particularly good at marking holidays and shifts in seasons with rituals and events. We had a scarecrow festival. Really. It’s charming and lovely.

Having been exposed to the concept of small-town America through television shows, I now see the storylines and the characters’ motivations from a whole new perspective. Obviously these insights are the generalized musings of a newcomer looking in. Oh! That’s why love lives were so interwoven in a fairly insular community. I also understand why so much was at stake for a high school basketball team in “One Tree Hill.” You’re literally cheering for your town’s history and identity. If you’ve ever watched that show, I give so much respect to Lucas (Chad Michael Murray) for staying in the tiny town with his estranged biological dad, who was his mother’s high-school sweetheart; the man who never acknowledged him but chooses to love/pressure his half-brother Nathan (James Lafferty) instead. Whew, that run-on sentence does not even begin to capture the complicated relationships explored in each episode.

My current setting is wholesome, polite and reserved, literally everything I hope for in a place. I know that some may interject that beneath the veneer of civility there may be ignorance still. Of course, any smile or sneer can be a cover for prejudice. I just want to see the good in people and believe that they are interacting with each other with an open heart.

The everyday reality of living in a smaller town also means that the pace is slower and there are fewer choices. Decisions are made easier when there are five beauty salons instead of forty. It’s strange that these banal details mean so much to me but I never feel settled till all of that is sorted. The first thing I wanted to do after being discharged from the hospital post-delivery was to get my eyebrows waxed. After such a life-altering experience I wanted to ground myself with the mundane. Plus, caring for these aspects of your physical appearance is so important. When I was living in Thailand I literally had patches in my eyebrows because I refused to go a year without having them shaped. These smaller negotiations are all part of finding your place and embedding yourself in the midst of it all. After all, who wants to be a spectator of their own life? Participate and be a part of something! Plus, hair salons have the best gossip.

I just called

December 1, 2014December 1, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

When we first arrived in Canada, calling my family in Burma used to be a huge production. The long distance charges were expensive, the wires in Yangon were often frayed or broken and we phoned early in the mornings because of the time difference. This resulted in short conversations where much of it consisted of inquiring about their meals and asking if they could hear us. I was also often half-asleep. This was unfortunate because I missed my family terribly and wanted to connect with them. However, this situation helped to shape my philosophy on relationships.

There are few individuals I love more than my extended family in Burma. Their love is vast and they love affectionately, openly and well. It’s very easy to care for them because we are there for each other unconditionally and without judgement. That’s what being a close-knit family means, not the minutes you clock in each other’s company. It’s also because the connections are honest and we’re not desperately trying to avoid conflict. People fight, people forgive, people share a meal. Leaving them was very difficult and I always feel that it’s better when we’re together. But we’re not together and that’s the point.

It’s almost comical to expect relationships to remain just as they are when there is an ocean between you. You don’t even need physical space for partnerships to shift. The saving grace is that after the initial shock of missing loved ones the flow of life starts to mold your days once more. With that rhythm, landmarks and people become familiar and gradually you move on. It’s alright you know. You just start to have these pockets of networks in different locations. They are all beautiful even if they’ll never overlap. Because strangely enough you learn very quickly as a seven year old that pining for a former life doesn’t bring it back. It’s painful but you just have to let go and fully embrace those times when you are lucky enough to meet each other again. Be here now.

Shhh

November 27, 2014November 27, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

The first rule you learn in the sandbox is that you don’t engage the haters. How did we forget such sage advice? Haters will hate, people will talk, what can you do? The principle behind it is that you can’t offer them an advantage. As soon as you give them a reaction, which is the only thing they seek more than attention, they’ve already won. For example, Renee Zellweger. Jesus Christ, you are an Academy-Award winning actress. It is nobody’s business what you do with your face.

Here’s the thing though, activism, open-mindedness, and defining yourself as a liberal generally means that you know when to play ball. Being a caring individual demands it. So often we want to stay quiet because it’s inconvenient, we don’t want to get in trouble or become an outsider. In the face of any form of hatred, when someone else’s human rights are being compromised, it is our duty to speak up and to bear witness.

That is all the heavy stuff but in the more superficial realm of someone not liking you, well who really cares. The best possible tactic you can take is to pay them no mind. It’s always so easy to laugh behind a keyboard or with a group of girlfriends right? Just remember that the person you’re ridiculing is someone’s sister, son, daughter or brother. With all this in consideration, it takes a great deal of will-power not to involve yourself in these situations, especially when you’ve thought of something particularly witty to say. Practicing radio silence is not easy. But seriously, expend that energy somewhere else more productive and on someone more worthy.

Everyone is different. Some provide a play-by-play of their daily life, others don’t. But I guarantee that 99.9% of the time, both parties are doing just fine.

Subtle

November 24, 2014November 24, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

When we were recently leaving a furniture store my husband commented that its contents were for Meglomaniacs. Having heard this term readily but not fully knowing its meaning, I asked for the definition. Apparently when it comes to matters of aesthetics, Meglomaniacs are obsessed with wealth and markers of privilege. They lack the soft touch when it comes to displaying their accomplishments.

Now, this got me to thinking about how important subtlety is in our everyday lives. There is a certain respect I have for straight-shooters. Their ability to be blunt is much more appealing to me than the ones who are too afraid to say what they mean. But I feel that relationships are easier to maintain if one strikes a balance between brutal honesty and some finesse.

The problems arise when truth bombs, whether they are warranted or not, can compromise people’s confidence. These statements are often not precise enough. Improvements need to be made but there are workable components too right? But I feel like there is nothing better than having these types of people in your life. They offer valuable opportunities for self-reflection and keep your wits sharp. You just have to learn to pick out the useful parts of their critiques and be grateful that they help you build a thick-skin. You will always gain more from those who push you than the ones who have nothing bad to say.

The other case for the soft touch is that no one likes to define their tasks as being only a duty. Nine out of ten times I’m sure that people will go out of their way to do something for you. It’s when you assume that it’s a given that there is potential for conflict. They just want to be asked and given the privilege of saying “yes.” I’m pretty sure that everyone is deserving of at least that right? Also, if someone is doing you a favor, I would try to make their life as easy as possible and to save the non-essentials for when you can do it yourself.

Simplicity is a principle that I return to again and again. Whether it’s related to fashion or home decor I feel that there is a skill associated with minimalism and something so beautiful about how it leaves room for interpretation. When it comes to relationships I also subscribe to the notion that the most logical reading is probably your answer. How many of us have read over texts or emails looking for something that just isn’t there. So often “simple” is associated with lack but I disagree. You gain so much by filtering the noise, both in terms of what you give out and what you receive.

On the road

November 18, 2014November 18, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

The first lie that parents-to-be tell themselves is that nothing will change. Let me give it to you straight, everything changes. You don’t sleep the same, you don’t eat the same, hell, you probably don’t see the same because you’re so tired. But they make you better. You love in a boundless way that you never thought was possible. I would do anything for my son. If running in front of a moving vehicle meant that he had more time to reach his potential I would do it gladly because I’ve lived plenty.

One aspect of my former life that I am not willing to part with is my love of travel. I very much take on Angelina Jolie’s philosophy when she says: “Anytime I feel lost, I pull out a map and stare. I stare until I have reminded myself that life is a giant adventure, so much to do, to see.” Being forever rooted sounds like an absolute nightmare. My husband feels the same way and has consequently chosen a career that is conducive to these types of dreams. So when we planned for a family these intentions remained.

There are things that you cannot plan for though, like timing and the temperament of the child. At certain ages it is much easier to travel on long-haul flights. Granted, they may cry at times when they’re an infant, but you don’t have to walk up and down the aisle for hours on end like you would with a toddler. Our neighbour once said that our son is full of beans. He absolutely loves people and draws so much energy from them. While saying this, he is not the best at waiting and biding his time. For these types of children, a 12 hour flight is not the best idea till they are a bit older and can rationalize why it’s taking so long. Hell, I’m 32 and I still find 16 hour flights to be killer. But, those places will wait for you so bide your time too.

We’ve taken a few vacations and his grandparents have graciously cared for him in our absence. But moving to Massachusetts has once again changed everything. We just bring him everywhere now, from the bank to the grocery store. We do so many more activities in small-town America than we ever did in Toronto. This has shown us that if we raise our expectations for his behavior, he will rise to the occasion. Of course it’s a learning process but with every road trip where he doesn’t ask to get up or event that he leaves without a fit, it builds our confidence that he’ll be ready in time for more major trips.

My advice to parents who are thinking of taking on these endeavors is to always have snacks and do activities that work with your child’s personality. We always agreed that he will join our adventures because it’s an integral part of building his cultural capital. Seeing the different ways that people live out their everyday lives transforms your perspective on privilege and contentment. The other day I said to Andrew that when we’re in LA this summer we should take C to Disneyland. To this, C replied, “We should go to China. I want to go to China.” I think he’s game non?

Boring

November 13, 2014November 14, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Shonda Rhimes says that “you don’t make history by being liked.” In truth the quote is from her show How to get away with murder, but it feels silly citing a series that has not even completed its first season, so I’m going to credit its writer/producer instead. They say that the most influential people are often polarizing. I guess that’s what they mean by the “it” factor because whether you agree with them or not, they are certainly not ones who wait to be introduced.

Some will argue now that there are plenty of individuals who have achieved great feats without getting a rise out of people. You might ask, who could have possibly disliked Gandhi? Um, I’m pretty sure that the British government in power at the time was not too fond of him. But when his cause mattered too much and people were counting on him for leadership, I don’t see him as someone who shed too many tears over their slights.

I can’t believe I’m about to put one of the figures of non-violent political strategies and a teen-queen in the same post but here goes. There is a purpose, I promise. Kristen Stewart. People seem to love or hate her. It doesn’t really help that she was part of the breakdown of a marriage and cheated on one of the most genuine celebrities to emerge in the past few years. He looked at her with such adoration. I don’t really get it but then again I didn’t date him. Maybe his “genuine” self-depreciation just became whiny. I’m pretty sure after awhile you want to tell partners like that to get their shit together. Her personal life aside though, my first impression of Stewart was that she was very pretty and a good actress. Her face is clean, open and pleasant, features-wise, well when she doesn’t look upset. Her method is subtle and it seems to come naturally. But I can understand how she could rub people the wrong way. Angst is probably the first word you associate with her energy but I don’t think she ever sold herself as one of those shiny, happy people. Kristen has appeal and will probably have a long career because whatever you think of her, she is not boring.

So there you go, two individuals who excelled in their own spheres partly because they were true to themselves. It’s not meant to be a comparison by any means, they are on two totally different planes. But these instances provide valuable insight into the fact that not everyone is going to like you. As soon as you let that desire go, while still being a kind and respectful person, you lose such a burden and do not run the risk of trying too hard. Desperation becomes no one. Do you like yourself? Well, alright then. Don’t ever want to be anyone but yourself.

So you go

November 12, 2014November 18, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

In my mind Before Sunset is the most romantic movie ever made because you know, that’s what I would want in an encounter, to talk talk talk talk talk. Seriously though, what is left unsaid, especially when the situation is complicated, is absolutely delicious. It’s even better than acting on it because there is a tension. A tension because you feel something and can either stack it up to a thing of your past or firmly place it in your future, fully aware of the damage that it will cause. There’s the scale right? To judge if it’s worth it?

I think different people will measure the stakes differently. It’s clear that Jesse and Celine try very hard to be realistic and careful but they cannot help themselves. I mean they couldn’t help themselves the first time. You only get off a train with a perfect stranger if you’re up for those games. And those are the best, most exhilarating games that you remember much later on when you have the “good” life. Who doesn’t love the beginning when you don’t know someone very well but just know how much you like them? Before Sunset is the best of the trilogy because those fantasies are more grounded. At this point they’ve had some lovers and are more self-aware so they feel like they can be as objective about the dilemma as possible. And so they go.

While I say it’s the best though, it’s certainly not the most real. If you want honesty, as raw as it comes, then watch Before Midnight to see what true intimacy means. Building a life with someone always results in scars and resentments right up there with the love. It’s just the way it is. So when you’ve been married and have had two kids, talk talk talk talking can be dangerous territory because you may not want it all to be said. But I’m an optimist and like to think that they re-group and try again, precisely because of those moments by the Seine, when they were brave enough to say what they felt and not what they should have. You do not bulldoze over your life for just anyone.

Later

November 5, 2014December 12, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

One Christmas my father gave me the book 7 habits of highly effective people. At the time I was thirteen and like most thirteen year olds who are slightly bratty, I thought that it was the worst gift ever. Isn’t the opposite of effective, defective? What am I, a blender? Reflecting on it now I think that my Pops had it right. There is nothing better than knowing how to be more strategic because let me tell you, making it is not all about skill. It’s about being smart with your time.

I am the queen of procrastination but not in the usual way. I commit once I’m in the midst of the project but I will always find ways to delay the start. I will catch up on gossip, I will read travel books about Paris, I will shop for Christmas gifts. In recognition of this, I don’t allow any of this monkey business till I’ve put in some work, till I’ve earned my break. I just tell myself to “start somewhere.” So if you’re in a similar bind, here are some ways to end the cycle of postponing the beginning. It’s time to show up.

One. Make lists.

Every single day I start with a list of objectives. Some are banal like “cancel phone plan,” some are fun like “go to Whole Foods,” and others are more serious like “submit paper.” God, I even have a line for checking email, but that’s okay, because it’s so satisfying to cross something off that piece of paper. Even if you don’t get it all done today, that’s okay, the intent was there and tomorrow you just make another list. Eventually you will get sick of seeing the same task every single day and you will finish it, trust.

Two. Discipline.

When my son goes to bed each night, all I want to do is work on my fashion blog, watch Gossip Girl or read a book. Nope, I don’t allow myself to even turn on Tumblr till I’ve made his lunch, filled out the school forms, and emptied the dishwasher. You know why? It’s because all of those things are mandatory and there is no negotiation. So why not finish your duty before fully enjoying your pleasure. Blair and Chuck can wait.

Three. Dig deep.

The one sport I excelled in was swimming. Perhaps as an only child it appealed to my need for independence. Even in a relay, you contribute your lap, but you are alone in the silence of the water. It’s breathtaking. But you know those last four laps or the last four miles in a marathon when all you want to do is have a cupcake, that is when you draw from within. You dig even if you think there is nothing left. If there is one thing I’ve noticed about highly successful people it’s that they don’t even define it as digging deep. It’s just a part of their drive and motivation and to them this practice is like breathing. You don’t want to fold the laundry? Do it anyways. You don’t want to write today? Do it anyways.

Four. Play the long game.

I am a firm believer in perspective, that it will all make sense one day. When we first came to Canada my parents gave me 10 cents everyday to put in a little margarine container. It was my most prized possession. Each day that you strive to be better, to learn and to improve is another coin in the bank. Ever so often when your reality isn’t fully what you’ve imagined, just think of that investment of your time, heart and effort. It is something that can never be taken from you. There are few things more valuable than a positive attitude and gumption. Be your own PR person and re-frame. You always get what you need.

B-word

November 3, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I once told my grandmother that I rarely scream but can always find the words that will truly hurt. It’s a flaw I’m trying to fix, trust me. When I make that snide comment is when I want to push the reset button. I want to get back to the factory setting where the cynicism is less blatant and patience is more present. But reality bites and here we are. I’m just trying to be better.

As I grow older though, the less I want to apologize. Of course I feel guilty when the conscience kicks in. I don’t have the right to hurt people’s feelings. It’s immature and inconsiderate but the snark is part of who I am. As Carrie Bradshaw would say, there is the time when you don’t shut the fuck up (context: season 6, she gives Berger constructive criticism about the scrunchy). The ability to speak up is useful when standing up for what you believe in and is part of being comfortable in your own skin. When you don’t suffer fools. I’ll just learn when to keep it to myself and to know the distinction between wit and negativity. Afterall, it is not my job to enlighten the whole room, I’ll leave that to Gwyneth Paltrow.

I find there are so many words that are used to define assertive women who are not afraid to tell it like it is when the occasion calls for it. Hint: it starts with a B and rhymes with witch. Obviously there are negative connotations associated with it like being a nag, bossy and unladylike. There are also ways to own it like being capable, decisive and goal-oriented. How many B words describe men who behave in a similar way? Bold, brash, beautiful, brave even when they are deserving of the description of bully. Perhaps it’s because they don’t make excuses and their socially constructed gender gives them more leeway to go after what they want.

Earlier this year Hillary Clinton mused on her experience with youth and gender: “and it’s always surprising to me how many young women think they have to be perfect,” Clinton said. “I rarely meet a young man who doesn’t think he already is.”

Hell, if appearing to be perfect and leveraging my abilities and intelligence allows me to win, I’m all in. Is that what it takes? No apologies.

Insta-this

October 30, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

The very cynical will say that Instagram is just another way for the narcissists to boast about how much better their life is. Wow, what a great outlook. Good luck with that. Instead, why don’t we say that it’s a way for people to share their happiness and adventures. An outlet to add more beauty to the world.

Whether you use social media or not, we are active participants in the practice of signaling. It’s in the clothes we wear, the haircut we get, the purse we hold. Signals get crossed, people argue and sometimes you even win. Yay. Even with your subversive T-shirts and thrift store “I really don’t care” attitude there is no escape. The sooner you realize the game, the better you will be at playing it, trust. I figure, I might as well look good and have fun while doing it.

But then one must also ask yourself, are you really present and enjoying what’s right in front of you when you’re pulling out your cellphone? What about all of the times when we were younger and there was no “proof” of the good times. But then I remember that there was, it was just in a roll of film that you couldn’t expose to light and took a few days to process. We just bored people with albums back then, or those projectors that clicked after each picture. Perhaps we have come a long way after all. Now you have the option to scroll right on by.

It’s not that I disagree with the cynics completely. Photographs capture an instant in time, nothing of what came before and what will prevail after. I’m not saying that people are liars, just that they’re not displaying the back room action that’s also happening. For every happy image of a baby or toddler, tears and refusal to leave whatever fun event could have followed very soon thereafter. Those landscapes in Europe could come at the cost of being ripped off in the taxi on the way there. But the beauty of Instagram is that for that moment, it was all good. Nothing wrong with freeze-framing those little moments that add up to a good and textured life. We always want to pin down what is fleeting anyways. I say let them and feel free not to look.