Light my way

September 8, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

You knew the night out in undergrad was over when they turned on the ugly lights. The lights that allow you to see your runny make-up, precisely how intoxicated you are and question if you actually want to go home with the person you’ve been dancing with for past half hour. This is all hypothetical of course because I always went home with the person I was dancing with, my longterm boyfriend at the time, my husband now. But it’s strange how this form of illumination makes you recognize how the alcohol, hip hop and darkness made you feel so free. A moment in time when no one cared. It’s the signal to get home that brings you back to reality, whether it’s that you have the class to get up for the next day, a paper to finish or that you fully regret that last pint that you’re going to pay for tomorrow morning.

I find similarities between this and the process of settling somewhere new. Even if it hurts you kind of just have to look life in the face. It’s always the mundane things that you do, little by little, that makes it hit home that you actually don’t have a home anymore and that your current surroundings are half-finished versions of a place to belong. That there’s still a ways to go. Eventually the light goes on that things have changed.

My realization hit me through metal objects of high practical value: when I changed up my keys and emptied out my change purse. When I placed my new keys onto my ring they were so heavy. So I thought, I certainly do not have a need to open any doors in Toronto the near future, so why not just put them away for now. And that’s precisely what I did. I put them in a place where I would not to lose them: in the pockets of my luggage. That’s when I knew that I would never need them without the gear to take me back, a temporary vessel of my belongings for my temporary visit. That place was basically gone from my day to day life and that was fucking sad. Secondly, I kept going into stores and struggling to give exact change to purchases. This was not just annoying but again, cluttering my wallet with weight. So I emptied out the currency that I did not need into a ziploc to use on my next visit. Just like we sold or gave away everything we could before boarding that flight, we were dropping weight every chance we got. Physically I might have felt lighter but the emotional baggage will take time to shed.

Now this is my nostalgia talking and I know that it will go away. The longing will lessen with a schedule, new friends, new plans. Just like how I explain to my son that his grandparents live in a different city that we have to take an airplane to, I’m constantly reminded of not just the physical distance but the emotional one. Lives always go on and in the best of ways. After every month long visit to Burma where I savoured every last minute with my family, my grandmother would always chide me at the airport when I would get too emotional. We were raised to be stoic and an outpouring of tears was the furthest thing from being dignified. She used to say, “we’ve had our fun right?” And of course we did. And we will again. Just like goodbyes are always made worse by prolonging it, you just have to do it. Like Neil Patrick Harris’ character on HIMYM always used to say, “fact, when I get sad I just be awesome instead.” So be awesome and if you’re sad, buy a ticket.

Racket

September 5, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I watched Twilight. Not just the first one but the whole damn saga and I’m not embarrassed in the least. Someone with an Ivy League education was equally as excited to watch Eclipse with me at the Thai-Burma border. So if it’s not above her all you judgey people can take a walk around the block. Plus, it was mainly for Robert Pattinson. Yes, my teenage dream transferred from Channing Tatum to that “complicated” London bloke. Weird. Though right now you might want to lay off some of the “stuff” Patty. Just look at Leo Dicaprio to see what too much Ibiza does to the system.

Anyways, have you ever consumed popular books or films to see what exactly all the hype is about? You soon learn that some of the praise is mainly created through noise and good PR while others actually do deliver. But popularity produces targets and snobs who feel that these well-liked things aren’t particularly special. The game-changers never like to be part of the crowd. I get that, but sometimes it’s nice to smell the roses even if everyone and their mother are doing the same.

Now here’s my take on two blockbusters and one of them even has a Robert Pattinson connection. Ha. At the height of its hype it seemed like everyone was talking about “50 shades of Grey.” Sure it’s not exactly Tolstoy or Ondaatje but it was still entertaining. I don’t understand how people expect NPR content for every single thing that is produced and consumed in the world. The smutty parts didn’t exactly thrill or shock me but was definitely an education. It made me pause and say hmm, I didn’t know there was a method for that. At the end of the day though it’s not the whips or the room full of toys that excited me. It’s the powerful man I like, not the handcuffs he offers. Give me a fully clothed man over Magic Mike any day. Ideally he’d be reading a paper in the Paris sun with wayfarers and a nicely cut suit. The Robert Pattinson connection is that “50 Shades” started out as a Twilight fanfic. So, basically Patty is Christian Grey. I dig that. He looks accomplished without being too pretty.

The other successful novel that fully provides what it’s selling is “Crazy Rich Asians” but perhaps I like it for different reasons than the average reader. It is set in the elite circles of Singapore where the wealth and privilege goes back generations and is not from recent investment in natural resources or whatever else is making money these days. No, these families exploited people during the colonial era and actually did a good job of protecting their assets. They were not subjugated by the Europeans but also had a hand in subjugating others. The premise is that an educated Asian-American woman goes to visit her boyfriend’s family and quickly learns that she is out of her league in his world. She can’t quite read the social signals or transactions and everyone thinks that she’s fond of him for the wrong reasons, when in fact she only recently learned of his privilege. Plus clearly in their eyes she is not good enough for him since her blood does not have even a hit of blue. The first thing I love about this concept is that we are not in Victorian England or Downton Abbey to witness how the upper echelon of racialized individuals operate. Secondly, the very first chapter that takes place in a European hotel lobby makes up for every instance we’ve had to feel subhuman. When we were thought to be uncouth (when we weren’t) or to loud (when we aren’t). Again, the majority of us will never live this reality but the author Kevin Kwan does, and he does not hold back. You know that he is writing about his cousin’s second wife’s mother-in-law or whomever else is part of his network. God, I wonder if they still speak to him. I promise that they turn a nose up that he’s selling their secrets for some pocket change. The fact of the matter is though that in many societies it still matters who your grandparents were and what your name signals. Of course there should be more social justice and vast differences in wealth disparity is unfortunate. But there are certain practices that do stand the test of time. I do agree that it is gauche to talk about money and there is something to be said about being secure enough about your positioning and where precisely you stand. Pride and arrogance are two very different things and have varying outcomes.

I will forever roll my eyes at those who are too good for certain programs or products. Sure, it many not be your thing but it doesn’t mean that someone else can’t find value or connect with it. Yes, I would never watch those teenage mother shows but maybe it is someone’s current reality or will convince others to prioritize other endeavours. It’s like these people want everyone to consume bran cereal all the time when a bit of marshmallows or raisins even could liven things up. Come on now.

Nerves

September 2, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

As of late I often scrunch my nose up at compositions that start with quotes set in italics. Why would you start with words other than your own? I do understand the intention behind it. That you are setting up a theme or frame for where you want your story to go. It’s like in a horror film when they build tension with foreshadowing. And sometimes it works, especially when an author says something that is in your heart better than you could. So here it is:

If your Nerve, deny you—

Go above your Nerve—

EMILY DICKINSON

Seriously though, what could get you more riled up to fight than that? And how true it is. The very best things I’ve done were accomplished when I was scared but did it anyways. When I didn’t want to be chicken shit.

I’ve just undergone a major life change by moving to a new city. There is some unfinished business in Toronto mainly tied to going back to defend my dissertation but other than that the field is wide open. We’ve uprooted ourselves for my husband’s work but also to grow up a little. It’s our job to slowly but surely build up our world and craft new meanings in a place where the surroundings are strange. We’re in the phase when we’re still trying to orient ourselves, gain some stability and are desperately searching for landmarks. This is all helped by how incredibly nice people in MA generally are. When we visited a few months ago to secure housing and set the scene for what was to come we thought that we were in the phase when everything is good. Surely because we were speaking to people in the service or hotel industry, their job is to make everyone comfortable. But now, after a few days of engaging with different people from all walks of life, Jesus Christ, they are still so considerate. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this place produced the Kennedy family and Matt Damon. No wonder Ben Affleck and Mark Wahlberg are obsessed and continue to write and direct films about this place. They are polite, say their “excuse me”s and generally have an openness to want to chat or meet new people. I’m looking forward to connecting with a book club, mommy group or fundraising society to further my network. I feel like there is potential for them to be positive experiences.

Now I write all of this a couple of days in when there is clarity and calm. After everything from the flight, airport and various administrative errands have gone more or less smoothly. Knock on wood. But to be honest on my last night in Toronto, I was in the fetal position with tears in my eyes, telling my husband I was scared. And God I was embarrassed for behaving this way because I usually see it as being weak. But it’s part of human nature to be sad to leave loved ones and a place that is so familiar and good. Like anything worth having though, you jump right in and keep on working through the pain. Well that’s my philosophy these days anyways. Because what choice do we have? My husband is a Professor and secured this position before graduating. This is a tenure-track position and it has the potential of being one for life. He’s also lucky that they want him enough to sponsor him to work in the United States, that he had the means to complete those degrees that gave him the credentials and that his skill sets are specialized enough. He understands his privilege. So you go where the job is and you have to find your footing. I just feel blessed that it’s looking like a place that we’d like to be.

If I’m honest though I can’t count on being completely rooted. Although the area we live in is beautiful, affluent and safe, I miss the city already. I miss the noise, the people, the pollution and being able to walk around the corner to find something to do. But my home is out there, I’ll just have a couple of rest stops along the way. And thankfully, the people and the food are good. The ocean is beautiful. You enjoy the upswings with the knowledge of the downs right? If that’s the case, it’s all good.

Boston strong

August 23, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

I will be taking a short hiatus from the blog while I pack up my things, cross the border and start fresh in a new place. My soundtrack is Augustana and I’m literally working off caffeine and adrenaline. The whole experience of packing up my books has made me even more resolved to go digital. Knowledge is literally and figuratively heavy.

Once I get the wifi sorted and the household settled I will be back. Much love and see you on the other side.

xoxo, Gossip Girl

The path

August 22, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I picked up Cheryl Strayed’s memoir “Wild” precisely because she does the exact opposite of what I would do if I was having a tough time: she takes a hike. No, literally she hikes the Pacific Crest trail. God, I wouldn’t do it voluntarily much less when I’m trying to sort through some issues. But this was Strayed’s path to reemerging from her destructive engagements with drugs and toxic relationships. After losing her mother suddenly to cancer and having her personal life fall apart, those tactics of heroin and meaningless sex were an attempt to numb the pain. “Wild” is how she found her way back.

There has been so much praise and press over this work but I was reluctant to commit to reading it. Perhaps it’s because she takes on a task that is both daunting and completely unappealing to me. Sometimes I don’t post certain images onto my Tumblr account because even though they’re pretty I know that I wouldn’t actually enjoy it. You know those really grey pictures with cliffs and the ocean? I know that in real life I would want to look at it for a total of 2 minutes, be cold and want to get back into the car to drive back to the inn. If I needed the space to regroup I would either overcommit to work or be somewhere warm and uncomplicated. In both scenarios I would be comfortable. Even after forcing myself to give the book a shot there were sections where my eyes glazed over. Really, it’s meaningless to me what material her sleeping bag is made of or what type of purifying salts she used. But then as her story progressed I completely understood why she was providing her detailed shopping list. She took on such a goal to return to the very basics. Her life had become so full of distractions she needed to only focus on survival and keeping herself alive. And those very material goods were what kept her from falling off an edge and disappearing for good. By saving herself numerous times she was ashamed of her reckless behaviour previously. She begins to respect her body again.

The hike itself is a metaphor for her personal journey and the plot twists make you wonder how it will all end. In grade 11 we had to fit the life a famous person into the hero’s journey. The whole purpose of this exercise was to teach you the elements of this type of narrative to incorporate into your own original work. But tropes become that way for a reason: we all like to think that we are on a hero’s journey, that we will triumph in the end. The pattern was pretty straightforward: there’s the beginning and childhood that’s fairly uneventful, a calling or talent that brings fame and notoriety, happiness, a setback and then the triumph. I chose Billie Holliday and it was really difficult to fit her life into this design because she had had so many problems, the resolutions were not definite victories and her last few years weren’t exactly a triumph. Then again, her art is her triumph and that will always remain right? But still, this assignment taught me more about the ambiguities in life rather than how to write a good story.

Many of us hope for a long and happy life where at the end there will be a lot clarity. Perhaps in our last years we’ll have so much time to reflect on how our life resembled the hero’s journey. We’ll also be at the life stage where we’re more forgiving of ourselves and can rebrand mistakes as simply tests along the way. Even if tragedy strikes and you don’t get this type of ending, those who loved you most will see your story in this way. They will remember all of the good. But if we all took on the attitude that it all gets sorted in the end would we have taken more chances along the way to live a bigger or grander life? Perhaps we would chase after more of those dreams. Maybe we wouldn’t give up so easily. And that’s the best part of Cheryl Strayed’s story, she has the skill to use words and phrases to properly butcher people’s hearts. She is raw, honest and forthcoming of all the ways she diverged and digressed. But the best thing she teaches us is to keep on walking. That we all end up somewhere.

One Lovely Blog award

August 21, 2014November 13, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

Thank you so much to Melody at Life’s Daily Dose for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog award. I started this site to practice my writing voice but after becoming more active in the recent months I’ve found my passion for it again. I cannot express how grateful I am to all of you for your support, comments and especially for reading and listening. Much love.

Please take a look at Melody’s blog which offers great lifestyle advice but mostly positivity. Appreciating the simple pleasures in life is so important and she suggests some great steps on how to make it happen.

The rules of this award:

1. You must thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog.

2. You must list the rules and display the award.

3. You must add 7 facts about yourself.

4. You must nominate 15 other bloggers and comment on one of their posts to let them know they have been nominated.

5. You must display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.

7 facts about myself:

1. My husband is my best guy friend.

2. My son is made fully of charm, wit and will.

3. My best girl friend is K and we have lots of fun/trouble together.

4. I’m going to be moving to the Greater Boston Area shortly.

5. I hope to finish my PhD by the end of this year.

6. I love fashion.

7. I love books.

The great blogs I nominate for this award are:

randomthoughtsofatwentysomething

clairabelle1991

quartervida

summersurprises

Sweetheart

August 20, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

I’ve been with my husband for such a long time that I sometimes forget that my thoughts aren’t automatically transmitted to him. “What, you never told me that,” is a common phrase in our household and the level of exasperation varies depending on the severity of what I failed to communicate. He is many things but a telepath is not one of them. This is just one example of what happens to many longterm couples, when you become inextricably linked beyond the marriage certificate. It’s also where the potential for push-back happens when one or both of you might want a different version of yourselves to try on for size. Often the healthiest way to counter that is to have lives outside of your union, different interests and hobbies that allow you to bring something back to the table. When you don’t exist solely for each other.

I can’t believe I’m actually about to write about figure skaters but whatever, it’s something that came to mind recently and I want to see the thoughts through. The Sochi winter olympics has decreased my productivity precisely because a certain Canadian dance team piqued my interest. If you don’t know whom I’m speaking of, they had a reality show, they are beautiful, talented and are mostly known for how they interact with each other. It’s safe to say that in their sport they will be remembered far beyond their amateur or professional careers because of how they changed the game. That and the fact that everyone and their mother wants them to be together. I’m pretty sure that all of Canada would break into song and dance if that ever happened. I get it. They are two physically attractive individuals who clearly adore each other, however they deem to label their relationship. We all want the rom-com ending of after knowing each other for seventeen years and being business partners, they end up falling in love. I mean, Andrew and I have been romantically involved for fifteen and we get the same reaction when we tell people our story. Their eyes light up as if our life is one long Nora Ephron script. Shortly after marriage our friend M stated that we were proof that love lasts. The fact that we’re high school sweethearts give us street cred.

But here’s the real deal. That type of history makes it tricky and taking it to the next level either works or it doesn’t. Even if you decide to try, it can be hard to maintain a spark amongst such familiarity. For the said pair that I speak of, they met each other when they were babies, fine not infants but 7 and 9 are close enough. After having to become adults at a young age by committing to being high performing athletes, they probably understand each other in a way that no one else can. However, finishing each other’s sentences does not mean that you would work as a couple. History cannot always hold its own against distinct socio-economic backgrounds and temperaments. Sometimes stories like these are best left in the platonic zone, where you can be best buds forever. That’s so much more sustainable. So all those romantics, myself included, need to sit the hell down. Because why muck up such a beautiful connection with messy feelings? They and their story are far too pretty for that.

Also, no one knows what’s precisely going on with them so me and my gossip radar are calling it a day.

Lighthouse

August 15, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

You will be astounded by the kindness of others when you are expecting your first child. They will throw you parties, knit you afghans and you wonder how you came to be so blessed with such good people in your life. Trust me, you pinch yourself more than once. What no one talks about at the baby shower is what I call the ‘fog.’ They don’t mention the fear and confusion that can dot the landscape of those first few months. No one will bring up how absolutely shitty times can be. Now, I’m not speaking of post-partum depression or those who only experience fairy tales and butterflies (really?) but that place in between where most of us end up. When things aren’t bad but they aren’t good either.

I call it ‘the fog’ because this phase is characterized by the struggle to form coherent thoughts and sentences. When you’re in the midst of this haze you can forget about analyzing theoretical frameworks and writing it all down. Now, I rely on critical thinking to complete my degree and this wasn’t exactly the best place to be. Suffice it to say, I was discombobulated. Feeling like you’re slowly losing parts of yourself is never pleasant. I only resurfaced and reclaimed my brain precisely when childcare was sorted, when qualified and beautiful women helped to raise my son at daycare. When these role models loved and kissed him so that I could work. This post is for them and for my early childhood educator who played a vital role in forming the individual I am today.

My former nanny usually only stays with children till they are four years old. This is strategically sound. They don’t remember her too well but are old enough to occupy themselves after nursery school and to hang out with the housekeepers. She stayed with me for two extra years and although they were wonderful, it added to the trauma when she walked away. I still remember pushing desperately at the locked gate, when I kept calling her name. She never turned around and only got further away. Her name is Moe Moe, and she is a strong, brilliant, kind woman. When she attended my second wedding reception in Yangon and I held her hand, I was happy and whole.

So all you politicians, help a sister out and invest in child care. Help women recognize themselves again and contribute to society in a positive manner. To all those North Toronto mothers, treat your Filipino nannies well. Don’t yell at her on the street. She’s a grown-ass woman and trust, it does not reflect well on you. Give her respect, a home, a room with a view and remember that she left her children to help you. That she’s a mother too.

New

August 13, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I find that cliches become honest when they are spoken with such heart. Especially when they are attached to earnest and articulate 22 year olds. “I figure I was born alone, I’m not afraid to die alone either,” said a fellow commuter on why he wasn’t looking to enter another serious relationship, for now. Who knew that riding the subway would provide such richness. Wow, I certainly did not have this grounded sense of self in my early twenties. The only thing of consequence I did at this age was get my essays in on time and even that was sometimes a challenge.

At the core of his contemplation is something that we all fear: to end up on our own. There is such stigma attached to not following the normative timeline for life’s goals. Having a hard time finding a partner to love and one to love you back is often deemed to be a huge misstep. But what are we willing to sacrifice, what parts of ourselves are we willing to compromise to not look like a fool? Which you aren’t by the way. The reminders mostly come through social rituals of holiday dinners where you’re told to celebrate in packs. The greetings arrive with matching sweaters, smiles and altered teeth. These are the postcards that some long to send and are willing to commit to empty relationships to obtain that facade. They long to put up the appearance of the perfect life.

Gwen Stefani in the song “New” begs, “don’t let it go away, this feeling has got to stay.” The lyrics are relatable precisely because we all know that the electricity of discovering someone new will not remain. All new things eventually become old. I don’t think we could survive that form of excitement for the long run. Passion becomes comfort to be more sustainable, to allow your heart to pace itself. Wouldn’t we all end up in padded rooms otherwise? How much fighting and make-up sex can one really take?

But asking the “what ifs” is perfectly common. When the urgency wanes you wonder if someone else could help you reclaim and maintain that spark. It’s the tail of the dragon that we continually chase. That first hit. Like the protagonist in the Italian film The Last Kiss realizes, the hard way I might add, that exploring those questions can make you end up with a wreckage where your life had been. Kissing that young, reckless thing was not worth losing someone who actually understands you. History builds the rapport and unconditional support and losing that hurts like hell. You also ask yourself, who exactly is left “out there”? Is there someone who you would actually want to devote yourself to? Are you equally worthy of each other? Maybe. But I think that’s the gamble you take. If you do decide to leave and make your own way, you know that there is the chance that you might end up alone. That there might not be a whole lot of other people whom you want to take your clothes off for. Cause really, if you don’t want to see each other naked what is the point?

Guy

August 11, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

There is nothing more valuable than having a guy in your life whom you don’t want to sleep with. I’m so busy wanting everyone to fall in love that I forget that there are more stable options. Without the complications of romantic feelings your guy friend can be your greatest asset and this type of connection can always remain. Well, as long as you don’t make-out at a party and things become awkward. I’m not saying that lines cannot be blurred (yuck, Robin Thicke). I can hear the naysayers now, guy and girls can never be just friends. I see it more like a colour gradient. There are some that you could cross the boundary for and others that you just do not see in that way and never will. For example, my friend S once asked me in undergrad, a couple of beers into the evening, if I would ever sleep with a certain mutual friend. I replied, yes, if I was drugged. I honestly don’t mean to be rude or unkind, nor am I making light of the date-rape drug. These are just the kind of flippant things you say in the your twenties. But the material point is that I just am not attracted to him in the slightest. And that’s great, he will always be in my life as a buddy.

I’m all for having girlfriends, the bond you have together is limitless and unconditional. You can engage with them in a way that you can never with your partner and they will be there far longer than any boy. These are the individuals who were witness to all of your lapses in judgement and still spoke to you the next day. They have your back. But a guy friend can educate you in a different way. They can shoot the shit.

I often feel that my view of romantic relationships will forever be stuck in 1998, frozen at the age of sixteen. It’s not that this idealistic naiveté has not been stomped on in several slightly mortifying instances, just that it seemingly cannot die and therefore is probably here to stay. But along the way I’ve become smarter and I mostly credit the men in my life for this knowledge. So here are three integral things that I’ve learnt from my platonic man friends. Dudes, I’m grateful.

One, guys play the game just as much as we do. Jesus Christ, how many different types of “hanging out” can there be? It hurts my head how many definitions there are to sleeping together. Sorry for my simplicity but I much preferred the clarity of high school when you were with someone or you weren’t. You like them or you don’t. What is there to figure out?

Two, in spite of the nuances of their intentions, men act in fairly straightforward ways. If they want to be with you, they will be with you. So often we believe that difficulty signifies a deeper relationship. But the more of I’ve seen of this dance, the more I see the choreographed steps. It really should not be that hard, and if it is well, there might be a reason.

Three, it’s all about timing. Who you were a couple of years ago might not have made this match a compatible one. Many a pair are formed later, when conditions are right. Finally you are both at a similar place and phase of life. When you’ve both seen enough. The sweet spot.

Although valuable, these lessons have just strengthened my resolve to be romantic. What’s better than feeling that while so many factors do go into making a partnership work, at the end of the day it’s just about being with someone. It doesn’t get more simple than that.