Don’t speak

November 17, 2014November 18, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I feel like my love affair with Paris would be complete if I never had to speak a word. Is that even possible? To love a place where the thought of speaking to anyone fills me with a slight dread? Like always, the distant ones get me every time and Paris is no exception. Her indifference and slight contempt for my lack of proficiency in the official language makes her all the more appealing. Plus, I plan on slowly but surely building on my twenty plus years of public school French to be able to engage more the next time around. Well, it’s kind of necessary if we’re planning on staying for a year.

Honestly though, there are plenty of people in Toronto for whom English is not their first language. When they approach me on the street to ask for directions my first reaction is to be patient and understanding. Having said this though, I do believe that it’s only respectful that anywhere you go you learn to say the please and thank yous in the native tongue. In France I want to say so much more. The key to learning any language is to not be shy and just try to communicate, however broken the sentences come out. Well at least that’s what my Thai language tutor B taught me. This man is the most joyful person I have ever met. He used to use the hula hoop during lessons for “exercise” because he said that’s how you get rid of love handles. My homework consisted of going to the Sunday night market in Chiang Mai to bargain. I think I got a great deal on some teak placemats precisely because I accidentally mixed up numbers. It also made the salesperson laugh so it provided a beautiful exchange. When I attempt to do this in France however, I get mixed results. There are those who truly appreciate the effort and others who just want to get on with it. Whatever, you win some, you lose some. I’m sure when I’m there for a couple of months and not a few days the experiences will be greater on the side of good.

But the one place I’ve been where I’ve never felt out of place is Buenos Aires. Being in that city is like entering a freshly-made bed. We could not speak a word of Spanish but every single person didn’t want to put us out and tried their best to help. Imagine that, a society that did not want to inconvenience the tourist! We stayed in a residential neighborhood away from the downtown hub so we ate at ten o’clock like everyone else, with both the senior citizens and newborn babies. I was just starting to show in my pregnancy when we visited and people would politely offer me seats on the subway and ensure that I was comfortable. The absolute beauty of this metropolitan city is not found just in the lovely boulevards, pastry shops on every corner, the art and culture being alive and well, but in their openness to difference. As a racialized female you don’t get to feel this ease everywhere and Buenos Aires, I sure do look back at you fondly. You are special.

Still, there is nowhere like Paris and I loved it when locals would ask me for directions on the street in French. It was so thrilling to pass, well at least for those five seconds till I opened my mouth or the valiant attempt to understand registered on my face. See, fashion does have power.

Boring

November 13, 2014November 14, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Shonda Rhimes says that “you don’t make history by being liked.” In truth the quote is from her show How to get away with murder, but it feels silly citing a series that has not even completed its first season, so I’m going to credit its writer/producer instead. They say that the most influential people are often polarizing. I guess that’s what they mean by the “it” factor because whether you agree with them or not, they are certainly not ones who wait to be introduced.

Some will argue now that there are plenty of individuals who have achieved great feats without getting a rise out of people. You might ask, who could have possibly disliked Gandhi? Um, I’m pretty sure that the British government in power at the time was not too fond of him. But when his cause mattered too much and people were counting on him for leadership, I don’t see him as someone who shed too many tears over their slights.

I can’t believe I’m about to put one of the figures of non-violent political strategies and a teen-queen in the same post but here goes. There is a purpose, I promise. Kristen Stewart. People seem to love or hate her. It doesn’t really help that she was part of the breakdown of a marriage and cheated on one of the most genuine celebrities to emerge in the past few years. He looked at her with such adoration. I don’t really get it but then again I didn’t date him. Maybe his “genuine” self-depreciation just became whiny. I’m pretty sure after awhile you want to tell partners like that to get their shit together. Her personal life aside though, my first impression of Stewart was that she was very pretty and a good actress. Her face is clean, open and pleasant, features-wise, well when she doesn’t look upset. Her method is subtle and it seems to come naturally. But I can understand how she could rub people the wrong way. Angst is probably the first word you associate with her energy but I don’t think she ever sold herself as one of those shiny, happy people. Kristen has appeal and will probably have a long career because whatever you think of her, she is not boring.

So there you go, two individuals who excelled in their own spheres partly because they were true to themselves. It’s not meant to be a comparison by any means, they are on two totally different planes. But these instances provide valuable insight into the fact that not everyone is going to like you. As soon as you let that desire go, while still being a kind and respectful person, you lose such a burden and do not run the risk of trying too hard. Desperation becomes no one. Do you like yourself? Well, alright then. Don’t ever want to be anyone but yourself.

So you go

November 12, 2014November 18, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

In my mind Before Sunset is the most romantic movie ever made because you know, that’s what I would want in an encounter, to talk talk talk talk talk. Seriously though, what is left unsaid, especially when the situation is complicated, is absolutely delicious. It’s even better than acting on it because there is a tension. A tension because you feel something and can either stack it up to a thing of your past or firmly place it in your future, fully aware of the damage that it will cause. There’s the scale right? To judge if it’s worth it?

I think different people will measure the stakes differently. It’s clear that Jesse and Celine try very hard to be realistic and careful but they cannot help themselves. I mean they couldn’t help themselves the first time. You only get off a train with a perfect stranger if you’re up for those games. And those are the best, most exhilarating games that you remember much later on when you have the “good” life. Who doesn’t love the beginning when you don’t know someone very well but just know how much you like them? Before Sunset is the best of the trilogy because those fantasies are more grounded. At this point they’ve had some lovers and are more self-aware so they feel like they can be as objective about the dilemma as possible. And so they go.

While I say it’s the best though, it’s certainly not the most real. If you want honesty, as raw as it comes, then watch Before Midnight to see what true intimacy means. Building a life with someone always results in scars and resentments right up there with the love. It’s just the way it is. So when you’ve been married and have had two kids, talk talk talk talking can be dangerous territory because you may not want it all to be said. But I’m an optimist and like to think that they re-group and try again, precisely because of those moments by the Seine, when they were brave enough to say what they felt and not what they should have. You do not bulldoze over your life for just anyone.

Reign

November 10, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

There is something to be said for aging gracefully. Nobody wants to be the last one at the party still eating the sushi when everyone else has sensibly gone home. I think the same is true for fashion. Everyone from Kate Spade to Alexa Chung will tell you that there is an art to changing your personal style to reflect your time on earth. Most of the advice involves setting limits but also knowing when to push-back a little.

The two main principles involve length and choice. Tiny shorts or skirts may no longer be as appropriate when you’re older but perhaps Bermuda shorts or pencil skirts are the way to go? Also, what you choose in your thirties may not be as appropriate when you’re entering your fifties or sixties only because there is a slight air of desperation associated with it. But the good news is that legging jeans are for everyone and I hope they never, ever go away.

I once expressed my reticence about taking on certain trends because I’m now a mother, to which my cousin K and bestie K responded, “you don’t look like a mother.” In a way that made me happy because it meant that I could play around a little longer and not look ridiculous. I believe that my personal icon when it comes to these things is Gwyneth Paltrow. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been around girls like her since my early teens that I don’t really get my back up like others might. She was raised in a privileged setting by two parents who probably had certain expectations for her behavior. They probably also built up her confidence to the extent that she feels that she has something to offer. In her case, she just does it in the realm of the lifestyle blog. She’s not the first and will not be the last, so are all the haters planning on taking out the pitchforks for every wealthy girl down the road? Truth be told, some of her stuff is great and you can find similar items that are more affordable from other sources. She’s just giving you some inspiration and I like that she has something to say and something to show.

As a mother of two she also knows how to still keep a part of herself when it comes to her sartorial approach. Gwyneth will rock the black strapless-shift dress, peasant shirt, distressed jeans and leather leggings all as someone in her early forties. She doesn’t dress the part and her hair is long but more than anything else she just looks like she still takes care of herself. That is what is attractive. A woman who has not lost herself in the process of producing life.

Saying all of this though, I fully believe even though we are far from “there” being a woman in this day and age comes with a great deal of choice and freedom. You can do whatever you want and wear whatever you want and it’s not anyone’s place to judge. I don’t think those offering lifestyle advice are trying to tell anyone what to do. They are just expressing how they’re currently negotiating their own identity and it’s on you to incorporate what you want. With regards to leather leggings though, yeah, I’d probably go there.

Baby Beckham

November 6, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

I feel like mothers-to-be are less anxious about shopping for their daughters compared to their sons. Perhaps it’s because we’ve been dressing ourselves for decades we feel that we have it down pat. One of the indulgences we have as a parent is a transference of our own style, for at least a little while, on the little man or the little lady. I’m sure that there are those who don’t really care but for someone who finds this stuff fun, it was an opportunity.

Everyone will tell you not to go crazy on the clothes because they’ll grow out of it soon enough. That is both true and untrue. If you are planning on having another child the items you purchase now will be the hand-me-downs. So, when you commit to the piece ask yourself, will I care about this one, two or three years down the road? Also, if you’re serious about using it again then you need to invest a bit on quality. Certain companies wear and tear better, minus the paint and tomato sauce of course. There is also the matter of quantity. If you don’t buy enough you will be harder on those outfits and by the time round two comes along they might not be as presentable. So, with this post I’m going to advise you on how to achieve all three things: design, quality and quantity while being smart about it.

First and foremost, if you are having a son your life is easier already. There are fewer options available for boys and you won’t be as tempted by those little dresses. God help my husband if we have a daughter down the road.

Design

It’s a fact that everyone copies everyone when it comes to children’s clothing. The most beautiful is Boden. This British company has honestly the best eye when it comes to creating bright, colourful and aesthetically pleasing pieces. But it comes at a price. The worst value is JCrew kids. Do not even go there, even with the deals. So if you want the style without hurting your budget I would go with the Gap. I always go with the Gap. Their designs are minimalist and beautiful without being too precious.

Quality

This is another area in which the Gap excels. Almost every single weekend there will be a sale that you can take advantage of. This means that their price tag is often below Carter’s and Joe Fresh who rarely have sales. The products stand up to multiple washings and even dearly loved items can be extra clothes for daycare or the diaper bag with your next child.

Quantity

Now this is when you have to watch for sales. Maybe it’s just me but I always find that I buy pajamas and pants in bulk while I practice more careful consideration when purchasing the tops. With a couple of jeans, cords and khakis you are set to go. Old Navy makes excellent pants and Carter’s is the king of fleece pajamas.

Timing

I find with boys clothing that they get less cutesy with time. It’s like they have child psychologists and mothers on their design team because your little man will transition from lambs to dump trucks seamlessly. But no one really discusses what to exactly look for at each stage in development. So here we go:

0-6 months

Much of their days in this phase will be spent in pajamas so don’t worry about quality here. For quantity Carter’s offers the best options and their prints are fantastic. They may be cute but don’t get too drawn into the jeans, khakis or flannels. Have a few in hand for outings or dinners but if they hurt your pocketbook don’t worry about it. There will be lots of time to dress like a Beckham. This is also when you should go gender neutral. Beige and white will be your best friends!

6-18 months

Now, this is when you can start introducing the onesies, sweatpants and cotton shorts. Since they are more active they will be most comfortable in these sets and you don’t have to worry about exposed bellies. I also start to incorporate sweaters for special occasions. Brand-wise I would advise Gap or Osh-Kosh.

18 months +

This is the most fun phase and sets the tone for the principles that you’ll follow going onwards. I have two categories: house clothes and regular clothes. When he is at preschool or out in society I dress my son in chinos, jeans or cords. Many of these have cotton lining in them to keep them warm and is soft against their skin. Also, elastic waists work well with their growing bodies. For the tops I purchase graphic tees and sweatshirts. I favor the crew neck because who actually like napping in a hoodie? The long-sleeved cotton shirts are great for layering and for when the weather is transitioning in the spring and fall. In the summer I follow the same guidelines with t-shirts and shorts. When you’re at home the comfy pants come out in full-swing.

Personal style

Ever since he could speak I have allowed my son to choose between two choices when it comes to his pants, shirts and warmer layering material. This serves two purposes: one, it gives him agency when so much of his life is guided by his parents and two, it trains his eye on color and material. It is never too early to raise a man who knows how to care for himself. This is why I would suggest that you buy graphic shirts because he can identify and name the objects too. Obviously the truck shirt may be more popular than the French stripes but I sneak in the navy and white whenever I can. Of course this is all within the realm of your style too. Lets not go crazy here.

Limits

My last piece advice is to know how much you’re willing to spend. Once you’ve participated in a cycle or two of discounts you’ll be able to define this for yourself. For example, I mostly buy shirts within the $6-12 range, pants that are $10-$15, sweatshirts that are not more than $15 and sweaters that are mostly $20. Once you know your parameters it becomes a breeze and it’s fun. Easy peasy.

Later

November 5, 2014December 12, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

One Christmas my father gave me the book 7 habits of highly effective people. At the time I was thirteen and like most thirteen year olds who are slightly bratty, I thought that it was the worst gift ever. Isn’t the opposite of effective, defective? What am I, a blender? Reflecting on it now I think that my Pops had it right. There is nothing better than knowing how to be more strategic because let me tell you, making it is not all about skill. It’s about being smart with your time.

I am the queen of procrastination but not in the usual way. I commit once I’m in the midst of the project but I will always find ways to delay the start. I will catch up on gossip, I will read travel books about Paris, I will shop for Christmas gifts. In recognition of this, I don’t allow any of this monkey business till I’ve put in some work, till I’ve earned my break. I just tell myself to “start somewhere.” So if you’re in a similar bind, here are some ways to end the cycle of postponing the beginning. It’s time to show up.

One. Make lists.

Every single day I start with a list of objectives. Some are banal like “cancel phone plan,” some are fun like “go to Whole Foods,” and others are more serious like “submit paper.” God, I even have a line for checking email, but that’s okay, because it’s so satisfying to cross something off that piece of paper. Even if you don’t get it all done today, that’s okay, the intent was there and tomorrow you just make another list. Eventually you will get sick of seeing the same task every single day and you will finish it, trust.

Two. Discipline.

When my son goes to bed each night, all I want to do is work on my fashion blog, watch Gossip Girl or read a book. Nope, I don’t allow myself to even turn on Tumblr till I’ve made his lunch, filled out the school forms, and emptied the dishwasher. You know why? It’s because all of those things are mandatory and there is no negotiation. So why not finish your duty before fully enjoying your pleasure. Blair and Chuck can wait.

Three. Dig deep.

The one sport I excelled in was swimming. Perhaps as an only child it appealed to my need for independence. Even in a relay, you contribute your lap, but you are alone in the silence of the water. It’s breathtaking. But you know those last four laps or the last four miles in a marathon when all you want to do is have a cupcake, that is when you draw from within. You dig even if you think there is nothing left. If there is one thing I’ve noticed about highly successful people it’s that they don’t even define it as digging deep. It’s just a part of their drive and motivation and to them this practice is like breathing. You don’t want to fold the laundry? Do it anyways. You don’t want to write today? Do it anyways.

Four. Play the long game.

I am a firm believer in perspective, that it will all make sense one day. When we first came to Canada my parents gave me 10 cents everyday to put in a little margarine container. It was my most prized possession. Each day that you strive to be better, to learn and to improve is another coin in the bank. Ever so often when your reality isn’t fully what you’ve imagined, just think of that investment of your time, heart and effort. It is something that can never be taken from you. There are few things more valuable than a positive attitude and gumption. Be your own PR person and re-frame. You always get what you need.

B-word

November 3, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I once told my grandmother that I rarely scream but can always find the words that will truly hurt. It’s a flaw I’m trying to fix, trust me. When I make that snide comment is when I want to push the reset button. I want to get back to the factory setting where the cynicism is less blatant and patience is more present. But reality bites and here we are. I’m just trying to be better.

As I grow older though, the less I want to apologize. Of course I feel guilty when the conscience kicks in. I don’t have the right to hurt people’s feelings. It’s immature and inconsiderate but the snark is part of who I am. As Carrie Bradshaw would say, there is the time when you don’t shut the fuck up (context: season 6, she gives Berger constructive criticism about the scrunchy). The ability to speak up is useful when standing up for what you believe in and is part of being comfortable in your own skin. When you don’t suffer fools. I’ll just learn when to keep it to myself and to know the distinction between wit and negativity. Afterall, it is not my job to enlighten the whole room, I’ll leave that to Gwyneth Paltrow.

I find there are so many words that are used to define assertive women who are not afraid to tell it like it is when the occasion calls for it. Hint: it starts with a B and rhymes with witch. Obviously there are negative connotations associated with it like being a nag, bossy and unladylike. There are also ways to own it like being capable, decisive and goal-oriented. How many B words describe men who behave in a similar way? Bold, brash, beautiful, brave even when they are deserving of the description of bully. Perhaps it’s because they don’t make excuses and their socially constructed gender gives them more leeway to go after what they want.

Earlier this year Hillary Clinton mused on her experience with youth and gender: “and it’s always surprising to me how many young women think they have to be perfect,” Clinton said. “I rarely meet a young man who doesn’t think he already is.”

Hell, if appearing to be perfect and leveraging my abilities and intelligence allows me to win, I’m all in. Is that what it takes? No apologies.

Insta-this

October 30, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

The very cynical will say that Instagram is just another way for the narcissists to boast about how much better their life is. Wow, what a great outlook. Good luck with that. Instead, why don’t we say that it’s a way for people to share their happiness and adventures. An outlet to add more beauty to the world.

Whether you use social media or not, we are active participants in the practice of signaling. It’s in the clothes we wear, the haircut we get, the purse we hold. Signals get crossed, people argue and sometimes you even win. Yay. Even with your subversive T-shirts and thrift store “I really don’t care” attitude there is no escape. The sooner you realize the game, the better you will be at playing it, trust. I figure, I might as well look good and have fun while doing it.

But then one must also ask yourself, are you really present and enjoying what’s right in front of you when you’re pulling out your cellphone? What about all of the times when we were younger and there was no “proof” of the good times. But then I remember that there was, it was just in a roll of film that you couldn’t expose to light and took a few days to process. We just bored people with albums back then, or those projectors that clicked after each picture. Perhaps we have come a long way after all. Now you have the option to scroll right on by.

It’s not that I disagree with the cynics completely. Photographs capture an instant in time, nothing of what came before and what will prevail after. I’m not saying that people are liars, just that they’re not displaying the back room action that’s also happening. For every happy image of a baby or toddler, tears and refusal to leave whatever fun event could have followed very soon thereafter. Those landscapes in Europe could come at the cost of being ripped off in the taxi on the way there. But the beauty of Instagram is that for that moment, it was all good. Nothing wrong with freeze-framing those little moments that add up to a good and textured life. We always want to pin down what is fleeting anyways. I say let them and feel free not to look.

Flippant

October 28, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

It’s a fact universally acknowledged that the very moment that you say “like I care” is when you care the most. God, I wish it was not true. You gain a lot of baggage when you give too much credit to people’s opinions. You risk very little when you don’t want to be made a fool. But here’s the concession, there are strategies to not give a damn and rewards associated with it.

It’s Andrew’s coping mechanisms to brush things aside. He reasons that it’s a way to not waste energy on things that don’t really matter. Sure his feelings rarely get hurt but sometimes I wish he would pay more attention to the finer details. The downside is that it can make you sloppy when it comes to your personal life. Sometimes you have to do nice things for people even when they’re not particularly considerate or attentive to your needs. It’s work to be a bigger person. But here’s the good stuff, not caring allows you to not fear instabilities that are just a necessary part of life. People always wonder why successful people don’t have regrets that haunt them. It’s because they know they would not be where they are without all of those setbacks.

Another liberating fact is that more likely than not people are too busy to think about you anyways. Schedules are hectic and even when you screw up, most people will devote a nano-second to ponder your situation and then are distracted by something they have to get done. They are probably already checking their phone. Who says that self-interest is always a bad thing, heck I’m pretty sure that it can be an integral part of self-preservation.

But I believe there is a point when you would not let things faze you as much, when you’re not looking for gratification from everywhere but within. I believe the path to this zen, this security, is finding something that you’re passionate about and taking steps to master it. Work hard to excel. I’m currently reading “The Goldfinch” and upon seeing the cover Andrew said, “Donna Tartt, that’s the worst fake name ever.” To which I replied, “she doesn’t care, she’s won a Pulitzer.”

Drive

October 27, 2014November 14, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

This past summer I was on one of those giant floating swans and actually grazed someone else’s bird. At that exact moment my husband, mother-in-law, mother, father-in-law, quite literally, everyone and their mother, chuckled. It was also the point when I rolled my eyes, waved my hands in the air and communicated “whatever.” Spatial challenges have never been my forte.

Lets just say it took a few tries to get my learner’s permit but I do like to boast that I got my permanent driver’s license (highway test and all) with one try. You know why? Because I was finally old enough to ignore that nagging feeling and the naggy people. Plus, if you actually look at the bigger picture, if I had not grown up in a large urban centre where you can take the subway or cabs everywhere, maybe I would have built up my skills over time. Because it’s just like how they frame studying for tests in school, it’s a muscle and you need to practice everyday, especially when there’s memorization involved. Makes sense, non?

But you know what happens when you move to a new country with no extended family to rely on in the area? Your husband leaves town for a conference and you drive your son back and forth to preschool in torrential downpours. I believe they call them Nor-easters. You drive in these conditions after a 3 year hiatus from operating any form of motorized vehicle and one week of practice. I am an excellent driver. Who knew! You know what else you do? You meet your husband’s colleague’s wife for coffee and then a few days later ask her to put her name and contact information on your records at daycare. Basically, she became the person they would call under excruciating circumstances if they could not reach either of us. But she gets it. As someone who’s American but just moved here from Edinburgh, she knows that you don’t need to be tight before you’re someone’s emergency person because well, there’s no one else. Plus we want to be friends with them, they’re cool.

I wish these circumstances would happen more often. When someone would figuratively pick me up and throw me off the dock. I would imagine myself in a lake in Muskoka, having a ball, and learning to swim. But see, it would be under my terms to stay in the water. After you get a taste of this freedom, trust, you never get out.