Shop girl

September 17, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

“It’s fine to shop at outlets as long as you have standards” says my husband. Girls, I have one of the good ones. Now that I live in the States I have landed in the motherland of outlet shopping. They even seem to have restaurants so that you can get some sustenance amidst all of that bargain hunting. There is nothing better than a mall where everything is on sale, I just personally don’t have the patience to wade through piles of unfolded clothes and throngs of people. It would feel like Christmas eve at Yorkdale mall every day. No thank you. The only exception would be for Le Creuset. I would enter those gates for a dutch oven that I can barely carry by myself back to the car.

I don’t really see the need for it either since online stores have sales every weekend. When things are 40-50% off and the products are from this season and not four months ago, it seems a bit more practical since you can wear that sweater or blazer as soon as the post arrives. Plus, you don’t really have to consider how some companies use different quality of materials for their factory stores.

I love the bargain as much as the next person. There is such a thrill when you see a discount next to a pair of pants that you’ve been chasing after. I literally checked the price of a dress from Club Monaco every other day for months. In the end I bought it for full price because I needed it for an event. But see, there is a bit of care and thought put into that right? A sort of devotion? So when I actually committed to purchasing it, I know that I will love wearing it that night and for many events to come. You don’t necessarily need to practice this form of restraint when you’re in feverish mode at the sales bin. You probably make more mistakes and have lots of clothes that you wear once or twice. Trust, I get as frenzied as the next person, I guess I just like to hunt from the comfort of home with a coffee in hand.

Misfit

September 15, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

There are moments when you’re searching for employment that are downright depressing. It’s like looking at the wasteland of all your half-finished schemes and things you could have done differently. In my case, I feel overqualified for some of the opportunities and the things that I actually want to do I don’t have the experience for.

We all know the importance of hustling, that there will be sacrifices and fatigue so severe you want a short reprieve. That if you really want to go after your dreams, you sometimes have to start in the mailroom. I understand all of this but I just think all the years we spent on gaining an education should count for something. Because I chose the path of a graduate education, that event planning position that I would pay to have now probably is not feasible. I’ve always wanted to be a party planner, I was just afraid that it was not “legitimate” enough and what a shame. I should have started in the mailroom in my early twenties right out of undergrad. Hindsight is 20/20.

What a waste to regret anything though. You’re allowed one day to mope and that’s it because after that you’re just wallowing. Growing up means that you look at what you are trained to do and frame it for a position that you would be proud of and love. I understand the value of going after what you want but some dreams are not meant to come true and that’s alright. Not all of us can be rock stars.

I just thought that I would have it together by now. In a year or two I know that things will be clearer and beginnings are what you have to muddle through. Growing up with Sex and the City I imagined myself a certain way in my mid-thirties. I still have time, it’s all about being strategic right? Every girl plays the game of deciding which character they are. Most people would say that I’m Charlotte. It’s true, I’m proper, traditional in many ways and cringe at some aspects of subversive culture. But I always admired Carrie’s vulnerability. Her flaws made her so much more relatable. She was not always the greatest friend, partner or even person but you still loved her. I’d say most of us have aspects of all four characters: Miranda’s drive, Samantha’s bravery, Carrie’s confidence and Charlotte’s heart. I know that the show Girls is written with a similar goal to empower women, but perhaps with more of an edge. Goodness gracious Ms. Dunham you are smart. Both are valuable, but Carrie and co. are so much more aspirational. I love you Lena but I would choose their careers and wardrobes over that version of reality any day. Life’s a mess but I don’t really need to see it in technicolour all the time.

Help!

September 12, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

My grandmother always said that your relatives are forced to love you but you want to make the job as easy as possible. I suppose it is true that there is a social code that encourages for family members to be supportive, forgiving and tolerant of flaws. But is blood really thicker than water? I’m not quite sure and this belief is put into even more question when you move somewhere else.

One of the realities that comes with relocating to a new city is that you have fewer people to count on. Of course you make friends and meet your neighbours but they probably don’t want to drive you to the airport at 6am or pick you up medication on their way home from work. Nor should they have to. I think we all prepare for this before the moving vans are packed because we don’t want to be shocked upon arrival. You expect to cocoon into each other, make a party of three and lean in. What is not spoken about enough are all the ways that people do help you, the various times they go out of their way to make life easier.

Most of our belongings are traveling by land in a truck, stowed away in boxes or bubble wrap. These possessions are all that we carry and they bumble along the road of life much like we do. It takes time to cross the US-Canada border and days pass before the miles are traversed and these reminders and memories land at your doorstep. So you plan and prepare your suitcase to last a few days, in our case it will be closer to two weeks. The positives about moving to a neighbouring country are that the culture and currency are similar and the language is the same. So you buy all those objects to start a home, to survive and eventually thrive. Now, what you travel with as a single or even a couple is very different from boarding a plane with a toddler. Extra baggage in the form of car seats and fold-out cots are essential along with a carry-on suitcase of toys. This is when it gets heavy and tricky. What surprises you most in these situations is the kindness of others: the stranger on the airport shuttle who helps you unload your bags, the other passengers who don’t roll their eyes at your fussy child and the rental car agent who leaves his desk and carries your suitcases right to your car.

When you begin a new job you know that your first connections will be with your colleagues. This will be one of your circles, maybe not an inner one but an important one nonetheless. So when they host a barbecue to welcome you on your first weekend in the state and serve you lobster tail, scallops and shrimps, basically the best that New England has to offer, your heart aches a little, and not in a bad way. But you do get a bit teary when they buy your son organic animal crackers, juice boxes from Whole Foods and crayons galore. When from the start they treat you with a warmth and genuine care that you only expect from your relatives and those who know you most, you are surprised and humbled.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve experienced this form of support or friendship. During my fieldwork in Thailand so many individuals offered such great advice, help and camaraderie that can make a place less daunting and lonely. I remember when my colleague and friend V picked me up from the Chiang Mai airport because I had never lived alone in a foreign country before. She got me home, gave me water, and turned on the fan, basically the first things you need when you’re a bit intimidated and unsure. I also cannot say enough of my friend M who drove me to the mall to get a cellphone and to grocery stores countless times to get good cheese and chocolate. My roommates L and K allowed me to hitch so many rides to jazz bars and cinemas because I could not operate a motorbike. Well, I could but not without severely compromising my personal safety and the safety of others.

All of these experiences with such giving and generous friends makes you want to be better. You hope for opportunities to help someone out and pay it forward because you were so lucky to find what and who you need, when you needed it the most.

From my heart, thank you.

Entitlement

September 10, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

“For the first time in my life there is no logical next step and it’s fucking amazing.” That was supposed to be the first sentence of this blog post. I had meant to finish it weeks ago but never got around to it. Perspectives shift when you’re actually in the middle of it. I guess that’s why they call it lived experience. Along with the “fucking amazing” there is a more grounded sense of unease, but it’s not fear. It’s not like the feeling before the drop on a roller coaster, it’s more like you’re a kid on the first day of school. Nothing is worn, the pencils are fresh and there is the potential for something new. I’m not just standing on a conveyor belt. I’m actually thinking about what it is I want.

The last time I did this was when I was failing miserably at a science undergrad and basically felt like a big fat loser. I use the word “fat” because it was when I was the heaviest. I’m an emotional eater so I also seem to gain a few pounds when things aren’t at its finest. What was worse though was losing my confidence and questioning my level of intelligence. This was precisely the turning point when I needed to put on the boots and sludge through something I hated or work towards a goal I loved. Both paths required the Wellies and hate to say it but some shit to walk through. So I chose for it to be meaningful and close to my heart, even if that meant not having a B.Sc but god forbid a B.A and feeling the weight of my parents’ disappointment for close to a year. In a family with a long line of physicians a Bachelor of Arts degree probably seems like I majored in basket weaving. For me personally, it was far more valuable than knowing the table of elements and quantitative formulas. It provided me with critical thinking skills and a political frame. It woke me right up.

I’m at a similar crossroad now since I’m close to finishing my doctoral degree. Graduate school is a process, a negotiation and it’s far from linear. It requires you be resilient, to work hard and be open to always improve. These are lessons and skills that are easily translated into various fields, the issue is that I don’t quite know what that “field” currently will be or what that “job” will look like. There are ideas, concepts and dreams that just need to coalesce into something more solid and less abstract. One of my major faults has been to follow along with societal and familial expectations. Always having been such a “good” girl I’ve never wanted to disappoint. Thankfully as you age Shakespeare’s words about “to thine own self be true” becomes more of a life mantra than a high school English essay. At the end of the day you are only accountable to yourself so what sort of things do you devote your time to? Making yourself miserable for the pay cheque no longer cuts it. As much as I am thankful for all of the opportunities that grad school has offered, I’m also ready to leave. I believe a workplace and a career should surround you with inspiration, should ignite your passion, and it should not be a chore. Am I asking for too much? Every few months the New York Times or Slate will publish an article about my “generation.” We as the Sesame Street cohort has apparently been told all our lives that we’re “special” so we have unrealistic expectations about our present and future, that we are too entitled. In my humble opinion, there is nothing wrong with working at it till you get it right. Till you are good and satisfied.

Light my way

September 8, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

You knew the night out in undergrad was over when they turned on the ugly lights. The lights that allow you to see your runny make-up, precisely how intoxicated you are and question if you actually want to go home with the person you’ve been dancing with for past half hour. This is all hypothetical of course because I always went home with the person I was dancing with, my longterm boyfriend at the time, my husband now. But it’s strange how this form of illumination makes you recognize how the alcohol, hip hop and darkness made you feel so free. A moment in time when no one cared. It’s the signal to get home that brings you back to reality, whether it’s that you have the class to get up for the next day, a paper to finish or that you fully regret that last pint that you’re going to pay for tomorrow morning.

I find similarities between this and the process of settling somewhere new. Even if it hurts you kind of just have to look life in the face. It’s always the mundane things that you do, little by little, that makes it hit home that you actually don’t have a home anymore and that your current surroundings are half-finished versions of a place to belong. That there’s still a ways to go. Eventually the light goes on that things have changed.

My realization hit me through metal objects of high practical value: when I changed up my keys and emptied out my change purse. When I placed my new keys onto my ring they were so heavy. So I thought, I certainly do not have a need to open any doors in Toronto the near future, so why not just put them away for now. And that’s precisely what I did. I put them in a place where I would not to lose them: in the pockets of my luggage. That’s when I knew that I would never need them without the gear to take me back, a temporary vessel of my belongings for my temporary visit. That place was basically gone from my day to day life and that was fucking sad. Secondly, I kept going into stores and struggling to give exact change to purchases. This was not just annoying but again, cluttering my wallet with weight. So I emptied out the currency that I did not need into a ziploc to use on my next visit. Just like we sold or gave away everything we could before boarding that flight, we were dropping weight every chance we got. Physically I might have felt lighter but the emotional baggage will take time to shed.

Now this is my nostalgia talking and I know that it will go away. The longing will lessen with a schedule, new friends, new plans. Just like how I explain to my son that his grandparents live in a different city that we have to take an airplane to, I’m constantly reminded of not just the physical distance but the emotional one. Lives always go on and in the best of ways. After every month long visit to Burma where I savoured every last minute with my family, my grandmother would always chide me at the airport when I would get too emotional. We were raised to be stoic and an outpouring of tears was the furthest thing from being dignified. She used to say, “we’ve had our fun right?” And of course we did. And we will again. Just like goodbyes are always made worse by prolonging it, you just have to do it. Like Neil Patrick Harris’ character on HIMYM always used to say, “fact, when I get sad I just be awesome instead.” So be awesome and if you’re sad, buy a ticket.

Racket

September 5, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I watched Twilight. Not just the first one but the whole damn saga and I’m not embarrassed in the least. Someone with an Ivy League education was equally as excited to watch Eclipse with me at the Thai-Burma border. So if it’s not above her all you judgey people can take a walk around the block. Plus, it was mainly for Robert Pattinson. Yes, my teenage dream transferred from Channing Tatum to that “complicated” London bloke. Weird. Though right now you might want to lay off some of the “stuff” Patty. Just look at Leo Dicaprio to see what too much Ibiza does to the system.

Anyways, have you ever consumed popular books or films to see what exactly all the hype is about? You soon learn that some of the praise is mainly created through noise and good PR while others actually do deliver. But popularity produces targets and snobs who feel that these well-liked things aren’t particularly special. The game-changers never like to be part of the crowd. I get that, but sometimes it’s nice to smell the roses even if everyone and their mother are doing the same.

Now here’s my take on two blockbusters and one of them even has a Robert Pattinson connection. Ha. At the height of its hype it seemed like everyone was talking about “50 shades of Grey.” Sure it’s not exactly Tolstoy or Ondaatje but it was still entertaining. I don’t understand how people expect NPR content for every single thing that is produced and consumed in the world. The smutty parts didn’t exactly thrill or shock me but was definitely an education. It made me pause and say hmm, I didn’t know there was a method for that. At the end of the day though it’s not the whips or the room full of toys that excited me. It’s the powerful man I like, not the handcuffs he offers. Give me a fully clothed man over Magic Mike any day. Ideally he’d be reading a paper in the Paris sun with wayfarers and a nicely cut suit. The Robert Pattinson connection is that “50 Shades” started out as a Twilight fanfic. So, basically Patty is Christian Grey. I dig that. He looks accomplished without being too pretty.

The other successful novel that fully provides what it’s selling is “Crazy Rich Asians” but perhaps I like it for different reasons than the average reader. It is set in the elite circles of Singapore where the wealth and privilege goes back generations and is not from recent investment in natural resources or whatever else is making money these days. No, these families exploited people during the colonial era and actually did a good job of protecting their assets. They were not subjugated by the Europeans but also had a hand in subjugating others. The premise is that an educated Asian-American woman goes to visit her boyfriend’s family and quickly learns that she is out of her league in his world. She can’t quite read the social signals or transactions and everyone thinks that she’s fond of him for the wrong reasons, when in fact she only recently learned of his privilege. Plus clearly in their eyes she is not good enough for him since her blood does not have even a hit of blue. The first thing I love about this concept is that we are not in Victorian England or Downton Abbey to witness how the upper echelon of racialized individuals operate. Secondly, the very first chapter that takes place in a European hotel lobby makes up for every instance we’ve had to feel subhuman. When we were thought to be uncouth (when we weren’t) or to loud (when we aren’t). Again, the majority of us will never live this reality but the author Kevin Kwan does, and he does not hold back. You know that he is writing about his cousin’s second wife’s mother-in-law or whomever else is part of his network. God, I wonder if they still speak to him. I promise that they turn a nose up that he’s selling their secrets for some pocket change. The fact of the matter is though that in many societies it still matters who your grandparents were and what your name signals. Of course there should be more social justice and vast differences in wealth disparity is unfortunate. But there are certain practices that do stand the test of time. I do agree that it is gauche to talk about money and there is something to be said about being secure enough about your positioning and where precisely you stand. Pride and arrogance are two very different things and have varying outcomes.

I will forever roll my eyes at those who are too good for certain programs or products. Sure, it many not be your thing but it doesn’t mean that someone else can’t find value or connect with it. Yes, I would never watch those teenage mother shows but maybe it is someone’s current reality or will convince others to prioritize other endeavours. It’s like these people want everyone to consume bran cereal all the time when a bit of marshmallows or raisins even could liven things up. Come on now.

Nerves

September 2, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

As of late I often scrunch my nose up at compositions that start with quotes set in italics. Why would you start with words other than your own? I do understand the intention behind it. That you are setting up a theme or frame for where you want your story to go. It’s like in a horror film when they build tension with foreshadowing. And sometimes it works, especially when an author says something that is in your heart better than you could. So here it is:

If your Nerve, deny you—

Go above your Nerve—

EMILY DICKINSON

Seriously though, what could get you more riled up to fight than that? And how true it is. The very best things I’ve done were accomplished when I was scared but did it anyways. When I didn’t want to be chicken shit.

I’ve just undergone a major life change by moving to a new city. There is some unfinished business in Toronto mainly tied to going back to defend my dissertation but other than that the field is wide open. We’ve uprooted ourselves for my husband’s work but also to grow up a little. It’s our job to slowly but surely build up our world and craft new meanings in a place where the surroundings are strange. We’re in the phase when we’re still trying to orient ourselves, gain some stability and are desperately searching for landmarks. This is all helped by how incredibly nice people in MA generally are. When we visited a few months ago to secure housing and set the scene for what was to come we thought that we were in the phase when everything is good. Surely because we were speaking to people in the service or hotel industry, their job is to make everyone comfortable. But now, after a few days of engaging with different people from all walks of life, Jesus Christ, they are still so considerate. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this place produced the Kennedy family and Matt Damon. No wonder Ben Affleck and Mark Wahlberg are obsessed and continue to write and direct films about this place. They are polite, say their “excuse me”s and generally have an openness to want to chat or meet new people. I’m looking forward to connecting with a book club, mommy group or fundraising society to further my network. I feel like there is potential for them to be positive experiences.

Now I write all of this a couple of days in when there is clarity and calm. After everything from the flight, airport and various administrative errands have gone more or less smoothly. Knock on wood. But to be honest on my last night in Toronto, I was in the fetal position with tears in my eyes, telling my husband I was scared. And God I was embarrassed for behaving this way because I usually see it as being weak. But it’s part of human nature to be sad to leave loved ones and a place that is so familiar and good. Like anything worth having though, you jump right in and keep on working through the pain. Well that’s my philosophy these days anyways. Because what choice do we have? My husband is a Professor and secured this position before graduating. This is a tenure-track position and it has the potential of being one for life. He’s also lucky that they want him enough to sponsor him to work in the United States, that he had the means to complete those degrees that gave him the credentials and that his skill sets are specialized enough. He understands his privilege. So you go where the job is and you have to find your footing. I just feel blessed that it’s looking like a place that we’d like to be.

If I’m honest though I can’t count on being completely rooted. Although the area we live in is beautiful, affluent and safe, I miss the city already. I miss the noise, the people, the pollution and being able to walk around the corner to find something to do. But my home is out there, I’ll just have a couple of rest stops along the way. And thankfully, the people and the food are good. The ocean is beautiful. You enjoy the upswings with the knowledge of the downs right? If that’s the case, it’s all good.

Boston strong

August 23, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

I will be taking a short hiatus from the blog while I pack up my things, cross the border and start fresh in a new place. My soundtrack is Augustana and I’m literally working off caffeine and adrenaline. The whole experience of packing up my books has made me even more resolved to go digital. Knowledge is literally and figuratively heavy.

Once I get the wifi sorted and the household settled I will be back. Much love and see you on the other side.

xoxo, Gossip Girl

The path

August 22, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I picked up Cheryl Strayed’s memoir “Wild” precisely because she does the exact opposite of what I would do if I was having a tough time: she takes a hike. No, literally she hikes the Pacific Crest trail. God, I wouldn’t do it voluntarily much less when I’m trying to sort through some issues. But this was Strayed’s path to reemerging from her destructive engagements with drugs and toxic relationships. After losing her mother suddenly to cancer and having her personal life fall apart, those tactics of heroin and meaningless sex were an attempt to numb the pain. “Wild” is how she found her way back.

There has been so much praise and press over this work but I was reluctant to commit to reading it. Perhaps it’s because she takes on a task that is both daunting and completely unappealing to me. Sometimes I don’t post certain images onto my Tumblr account because even though they’re pretty I know that I wouldn’t actually enjoy it. You know those really grey pictures with cliffs and the ocean? I know that in real life I would want to look at it for a total of 2 minutes, be cold and want to get back into the car to drive back to the inn. If I needed the space to regroup I would either overcommit to work or be somewhere warm and uncomplicated. In both scenarios I would be comfortable. Even after forcing myself to give the book a shot there were sections where my eyes glazed over. Really, it’s meaningless to me what material her sleeping bag is made of or what type of purifying salts she used. But then as her story progressed I completely understood why she was providing her detailed shopping list. She took on such a goal to return to the very basics. Her life had become so full of distractions she needed to only focus on survival and keeping herself alive. And those very material goods were what kept her from falling off an edge and disappearing for good. By saving herself numerous times she was ashamed of her reckless behaviour previously. She begins to respect her body again.

The hike itself is a metaphor for her personal journey and the plot twists make you wonder how it will all end. In grade 11 we had to fit the life a famous person into the hero’s journey. The whole purpose of this exercise was to teach you the elements of this type of narrative to incorporate into your own original work. But tropes become that way for a reason: we all like to think that we are on a hero’s journey, that we will triumph in the end. The pattern was pretty straightforward: there’s the beginning and childhood that’s fairly uneventful, a calling or talent that brings fame and notoriety, happiness, a setback and then the triumph. I chose Billie Holliday and it was really difficult to fit her life into this design because she had had so many problems, the resolutions were not definite victories and her last few years weren’t exactly a triumph. Then again, her art is her triumph and that will always remain right? But still, this assignment taught me more about the ambiguities in life rather than how to write a good story.

Many of us hope for a long and happy life where at the end there will be a lot clarity. Perhaps in our last years we’ll have so much time to reflect on how our life resembled the hero’s journey. We’ll also be at the life stage where we’re more forgiving of ourselves and can rebrand mistakes as simply tests along the way. Even if tragedy strikes and you don’t get this type of ending, those who loved you most will see your story in this way. They will remember all of the good. But if we all took on the attitude that it all gets sorted in the end would we have taken more chances along the way to live a bigger or grander life? Perhaps we would chase after more of those dreams. Maybe we wouldn’t give up so easily. And that’s the best part of Cheryl Strayed’s story, she has the skill to use words and phrases to properly butcher people’s hearts. She is raw, honest and forthcoming of all the ways she diverged and digressed. But the best thing she teaches us is to keep on walking. That we all end up somewhere.

One Lovely Blog award

August 21, 2014November 13, 2014 / smithei / 1 Comment

Thank you so much to Melody at Life’s Daily Dose for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog award. I started this site to practice my writing voice but after becoming more active in the recent months I’ve found my passion for it again. I cannot express how grateful I am to all of you for your support, comments and especially for reading and listening. Much love.

Please take a look at Melody’s blog which offers great lifestyle advice but mostly positivity. Appreciating the simple pleasures in life is so important and she suggests some great steps on how to make it happen.

The rules of this award:

1. You must thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog.

2. You must list the rules and display the award.

3. You must add 7 facts about yourself.

4. You must nominate 15 other bloggers and comment on one of their posts to let them know they have been nominated.

5. You must display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.

7 facts about myself:

1. My husband is my best guy friend.

2. My son is made fully of charm, wit and will.

3. My best girl friend is K and we have lots of fun/trouble together.

4. I’m going to be moving to the Greater Boston Area shortly.

5. I hope to finish my PhD by the end of this year.