New

August 13, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I find that cliches become honest when they are spoken with such heart. Especially when they are attached to earnest and articulate 22 year olds. “I figure I was born alone, I’m not afraid to die alone either,” said a fellow commuter on why he wasn’t looking to enter another serious relationship, for now. Who knew that riding the subway would provide such richness. Wow, I certainly did not have this grounded sense of self in my early twenties. The only thing of consequence I did at this age was get my essays in on time and even that was sometimes a challenge.

At the core of his contemplation is something that we all fear: to end up on our own. There is such stigma attached to not following the normative timeline for life’s goals. Having a hard time finding a partner to love and one to love you back is often deemed to be a huge misstep. But what are we willing to sacrifice, what parts of ourselves are we willing to compromise to not look like a fool? Which you aren’t by the way. The reminders mostly come through social rituals of holiday dinners where you’re told to celebrate in packs. The greetings arrive with matching sweaters, smiles and altered teeth. These are the postcards that some long to send and are willing to commit to empty relationships to obtain that facade. They long to put up the appearance of the perfect life.

Gwen Stefani in the song “New” begs, “don’t let it go away, this feeling has got to stay.” The lyrics are relatable precisely because we all know that the electricity of discovering someone new will not remain. All new things eventually become old. I don’t think we could survive that form of excitement for the long run. Passion becomes comfort to be more sustainable, to allow your heart to pace itself. Wouldn’t we all end up in padded rooms otherwise? How much fighting and make-up sex can one really take?

But asking the “what ifs” is perfectly common. When the urgency wanes you wonder if someone else could help you reclaim and maintain that spark. It’s the tail of the dragon that we continually chase. That first hit. Like the protagonist in the Italian film The Last Kiss realizes, the hard way I might add, that exploring those questions can make you end up with a wreckage where your life had been. Kissing that young, reckless thing was not worth losing someone who actually understands you. History builds the rapport and unconditional support and losing that hurts like hell. You also ask yourself, who exactly is left “out there”? Is there someone who you would actually want to devote yourself to? Are you equally worthy of each other? Maybe. But I think that’s the gamble you take. If you do decide to leave and make your own way, you know that there is the chance that you might end up alone. That there might not be a whole lot of other people whom you want to take your clothes off for. Cause really, if you don’t want to see each other naked what is the point?

Represent

July 23, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

One of the more defining moments of undergrad consisted of a student stating that she didn’t see Denzel Washington’s colour when she watches his films. That’s about when the class went to hell in a hand basket. Another student who is of Filipino descent retorted that she wished that she could see her image on TV, that she also wanted her story to be told. Because you know, it’s true, however distorted or limited the representation is, we still want to be present. We want our beauty, history and cultural practices to be counted.

You don’t know how exciting it was for me to grow up actually seeing Asian characters on weekly dramas. I loved that Christina Yang (Sandra Oh) was a surgeon, so driven and slightly socially awkward. Ming-Na’s character on ER was so empathetic and likeable. John Cho made guest appearances and you felt sorry for him that he worked too hard during residency and drove over someone with his car. God, were they all doctors? I’m cool with that. I liked this version of the assertive, well-adjusted and intelligent representations of my Asian heritage. I much preferred this to the geishas, silent and meek companions or much of nothing at all.

But my question is, where are all the South Asian men? We sure have a long way to go but there is hope. If you’ve never seen the film Cairo Time please go rent it right now. Like tonight. It beautifully portrays a friendship and attraction between Patricia Clarkson and Alexander Siddig when she comes to visit the North African city. He serves as her companion to navigate the scorching streets and customs with more ease. The Egyptian culture is so beautifully rendered here through food, dance, family and colours. It’s brilliant. He is educated, liberal and works for the UN. This was the most positive and progressive representation of a South Asian man I had ever seen. Usually they are relegated to being terrorists, police officers or Saudi princes. This is similar to roles that Riz Ahmed (pictured below) is taking on of late. I’ve written of him briefly before but in short, he is an MC, attended Oxford, was a shit-disturber at his posh high school and is formed fully of charm and wit. I hope that he keeps working because I am actually excited for what he will bring to the table. In Closed circuit, which got awful reviews but I quite enjoyed, he is quote on quote a villain but as a member of MI5 he still complicates his exact motivations for carrying on the fight against terror. Ahmed adds more complexity and layers to where the British Muslim man exactly stands and it’s fascinating. We need more of this.

So my objective for writing this post is to remind us of the power of the media and films. They are not just sources for information or entertainment but help to act out the different textures of our lives. Observing one interpretation of a similar problem that you’ve encountered or a present one that you’re still grappling with, can allow us to tease out what kind of resolution we’re seeking. It helps us accept that more often than not there are no answers. It is also a rush to feel that difference is being represented. That difference is not considered ugly.

University Ave

July 21, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

The first thing I would tell Marina Keegan, author of “The opposite of loneliness” is that she’s fucking talented. I also want to apologize for calling her “Monica” when I tried to share her work on Facebook. But I can never tell her this through correspondence or in person because she died at the age of 22 in a car accident. It’s always so tragic when someone with gifts and promise passes away. So many of us have gifts and promise. Thankfully she has left her legacy through her work. She will be evergreen. Marina, whom her former professor described as: “brilliant, kind and idealistic; I hope I never forget that she was also fierce, edgy, and provocative” was a riot. Apparently “if you wanted a smooth ride, Marina wasn’t your vehicle.” She probably would not care that I butchered her name. Wherever she is she’s too busy feeling, writing about it and having a grand ole time.

The woman pictured below is not Marina Keegan and I’m not sure of her identity because I got the photograph from Tumblr. But I feel like she reflects Marina’s spirit, her exuberance. What’s special about Keegan’s work is that she wrote about a time that all of us would die to get back. When things were so raw, urgent and everything was vested with meaning. We lived for those glorious, messy nights when we were reckless and felt that we were invincible. We wanted to connect with the right one, the wrong one, anyone. But who knew that growing up would come so soon and that responsibilities and promises would burden us with some weight. The big girl pants are great but can fit a bit tight. It’s when you feel the most confined that you long for those years when you were completely free. When we literally vibrated with excitement and all of the possibilities were palpable. I don’t wish back the puke in my hair or the complete emotional annihilation from the boy I could have truly loved. But we were so lucky. We had Queen’s to allow us to figure out the angles, to step up and choose the identity to take forward. I don’t want to go back, fuck I’m so much wiser, but cannot help but smile when I think of you, and it all. Thanks, it was fun.

Catalysts and math

July 11, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Whenever a production company is trying to sell a movie they start throwing around words like “chemistry,” “undeniable,” “connection.” Nine out of ten times it will work because it is the catnip for us romantics. Now, don’t play shy, you know it’s irresistible when you see it in your office, the grocery store, the parking lot. I know that you smile. So when it is available for public consumption? There is nothing better.

I highly doubt that it’s just smoke and mirrors. You can’t fake chemistry. You either have it or you don’t and some pairings work so well. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart come to mind, whatever you have to say about their former open-relationship and bisexual arrangement. I don’t know why anyone’s surprised. Rules are not always the smart choice in hollyweird where they pay the bills by kissing and pretending to love other people. How many conventional relationships do you think exist there? Who’s to say these arrangements are any less healthy than our “normal” relationships?

But returning to the topic of chemistry it can destabilize many foundations but that doesn’t mean that a relationship or commitment will result from it. I think after they’ve done it for a few years, actors just attribute that strong emotional connection to character bleed and move on. Have you ever seen a behind the scenes look? Couples are not formed in that awkward studio with those giant microphones. They are created in whisperings in trailers when they are “rehearsing” far from their families, responsibilities and home. I also think they recognize that this artificial environment and the feelings felt there do not always stand up in the daylight. The soft glow of the fantasy cannot withstand the glare of everyday life. There are exceptions of course. Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet have a beautiful friendship post-Titantic. She even wears a plain gold band from him, engraved with a message, underneath her wedding ring. I reiterate, rules don’t exist the same way for celebrities with all of that wealth and freedom to choose. Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz also returned to their former lives and gave it another go, before realizing that they actually wanted to be with each other. So they cut the ties, wed and returned to living very private lives. Sometimes you can’t get it out of your system, and you’re not meant to.

The catalyst aspect of these chemical reactions is what fascinates me. Because some never begin, others die out while a rare few will survive. These are just questions because I don’t believe that there are well-formed answers as to why this happens. They just do. In December I was marking mid-terms at the public library. I was amongst the entire student body of North Toronto CI who were pretending to study. Now if the chatter wasn’t distracting enough there were two “friends” helping each other out with Calculus. I put the label in quotations because everything associated with the beginning was right there: the flirting, the leaning, the laughing. God, I felt like I was 17 again. Then his girlfriend showed up. And I was like, oh, it’s that grey zone. When she kept looking over with concerned looks I felt badly, because I thought, honey, I’m sorry but I’m not sure you’re going to like how this story gets played out. One of her guy friends even gave me a knowing look. Everyone at the table knew. Sure enough, two months ago I was leaving the library and guess who are now a couple? Calculus friends.

Chemistry can blow. I felt badly for the ex. But the new couple was cute.

Superlatives

July 9, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 3 Comments

My husband and I came to the conclusion that we are slightly repulsed when couples call each other “honey.” I personally would rather have my partner say nothing to me at all than to refer to me as any type of food or condiment. Upon reflection we just realized that every couple has a style and that particular one was not ours. And that’s cool, it’s all good. But as per usual fashion I could not leave it alone. Why do I cringe at these affirmations?

Taking apart these types of questions is best done by someone with fresh eyes. I mean, can anyone really see themselves clearly? But, my best friend is moving across country, I’m not exactly about to ask her and her undergrad Psychology degree to sort this out. So, my prognosis is that I just like emotionally distant men. It’s almost for the sake of survival because my biggest nightmare lies in the form of bondage, and not the good kind. What’s worse than complete and utter emotional suffocation? Overbearing individuals. So it works. When I spot one I just usually run in the opposite direction.

But how did I get here? It’s Psychology 101 that relationships with different men in my life have shaped these preferences. I also attribute it to popular culture. My father continually teases me about this, but there is this figure skating movie that I’ve seen a total of twenty times, if not more. In The Cutting Edge two individuals from vastly different backgrounds and socio-economic classes are paired together to try to win Olympic Gold. I’m pretty sure this is why I always want on-screen couples and business partners to fall in love. They are both driven, competitive and the sexual tension is instantaneous. D.B. Sweeney is a gruff, meat and potatoes type of guy who likes hockey, winning and that’s about it. An injury has ended his career in the NHL and skating with Kate (Moira Kelly, my first girl-crush), an intelligent, snarky and wealthy figure skater is his last option, well other than working construction. And so their journey begins and they have this junior school playground interaction that you know behind closed doors is so hot. It’s fabulous. But there are so many obstacles in the way: fiancees, careers, misunderstandings, other figure skaters, the toe pick. It all comes to a head when a certain element is missed, words are spoken and with the chance that they may never see each other again, ta-da, they express their love for each other. And right before skating their program too. If only life was this simple. I swear, movies like this are fun but do nothing for people’s romantic illusions. If only the high school musicals spent 40 minutes showing people doing homework. You know what though, I rather that my heart remain tender. I want to believe that relationships and friendships can be glorious upheavals. That they can transform you. So did this film influence my desire to be with a reserved man? Check. Did I marry someone who plays hockey? Check. My husband reads more than the film’s star but he will never call me a natural sweetener and that, my friends, is a relief.

Being bad

July 4, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice would have rather been a penniless spinster relying on the charity of her relatives than to marry a man she didn’t love. How much more bad-ass can you get? Fully aware that she would be bored out of her mind embroidering cushions for the rest of her life, she preferred that to having to spend tedious evening after tedious evening with someone she couldn’t respect. A feminist in the documentary Forbidden love describes how so many people kept defining her behaviour as being deviant because of her sexual orientation. One day she just decided to go with it and thought “fine, I’m bad. But I’m a good bad because I’m smart.” I think I would put Lizzy Bennett in this same category because she understands that not many men would consider her intelligence to be an asset in being a “good wife.” Her financial circumstances also place her at a disadvantage. But she frankly does not care. She believes that she is a full-human being and interacts with her world boldly. She not only played the game but owned it. You know she’s boss when she married not just a wealthy man, but a “filthy rich” one as her mother would so tactfully put it. He was also beautiful. This is equivalent to her becoming a CEO in her time period when the only employment option for women of a certain standing was marriage. So, lets take a moment to give pause to this literary figure and the woman who brought her into existence.

We should all be so lucky to have more Elizabeth Bennetts in the world. I believe that the novel is still so well-loved because we hope that it could happen now. That you could transcend, class, racial and other lines that prevent so many partnerships from beginning. I once asked my late grandmother what she thought of my relationship. I did this because she used to tease me that she had some wealthy, educated and kind Burmese men who were “export quality.” She was joking but I did wonder if she had reservations about me getting involved with someone outside of my race. She replied that 40-50 years ago it just would not have happened. Even if we had feelings they would not be enough to endure the social and emotional hardships. People often forget that in the 50s inter-racial couples could not get married. It was against the law. Commonalities make everything easier and social interactions go more smoothly. Rationally, you can understand why relationships with those of a similar background would be alluring. But when many of us read this novel it’s not just romantic but it gives us hope for better days. Many of us want to see a future where we return to the humanity that joins us, for us to see through the socially constructed barriers.

In that historical context, Elizabeth Bennett’s wit will serve her well within Darcy’s circle but lets keep it real, she gets her credentials from what he thinks of her. His world is one that she never would have been able to attain on her own. But because he thinks so highly of her and is willing to overlook the huge divide in class, she is automatically placed at his level. Every reader will praise Elizabeth but Darcy is pretty bad-ass too.

Paris

June 23, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I hope that if I am a very good person I will be reborn as a Parisian. Seriously though, how does anyone get anything done in that city? If I was living there I would be too busy choosing my next outfit or kissing the beautiful, beautiful French men to do normal, mundane things like holding down a job or filing my taxes. My girl-crush began about a year ago when I started reading travel accounts, parenting and fashion guides by those lucky enough to call Paris their home. I’ve assigned the place a gender because I imagine her as a tall, willowy woman who does not give anyone the time of day. When we bought our tickets to visit, I told Andrew that my obsession with French culture had come full circle and that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know that when you like and want someone so much, it always ends badly. Surprisingly my expectations were not shattered and I fell even harder. As if that’s even possible. I’ve put off writing this post for a long time because I find it difficult to articulate my affection for a place that mostly makes me see feelings and colours. So here is my attempt to express my love for a city where I will never ever belong.

The care and consideration that the French assign to their food is inspiring. It’s not just their emphasis on eating fresh, locally grown products but also in their practice of consumption. Many Parisians are trying to maintain a healthy weight because really, their exceptionally cut clothes would not fall the same way otherwise. As a result their portions are smaller but very flavourful. It’s as if they know that the first taste is the most enjoyable and what remains on your plate is filler. By introducing various dishes to their palate throughout the course of a meal, the process becomes much more of a sacred ritual, rather than to fulfill the caloric intake for the day. And surprisingly for someone whose weakness lies in sweets and pastries I did not eat them every hour. Perhaps it was because it was plentiful and ever-present, they became almost banal and I did not desire it as much.

Their relationship to material and sartorial cultures is equally as meticulous. Much of the clothing in Paris is fairly expensive, with sales only occurring a few times a year, so I wondered how there were still so many well-dressed individuals on the street. It’s because they do not take trends at face-value but rather invest in good-quality but classic pieces that plays on their strengths. This also goes hand in hand with being within a certain weight range because you cannot buy a new wardrobe annually. I’m pretty sure that you would go bankrupt. There also seems to be a social expectation to be well-groomed when entering society, not just to respect those around you but yourself.

Having produced some of the most influential theorists like Foucault, De Beauvoir, Derrida and Bourdieu engagement with the cultural and social milieu is encouraged. Now here comes my problem with Paris, one that I hope to address prior to returning to live there for an extended period of time. You need the language to even stand a chance. Every account I’ve read has detailed how difficult it is to breakthrough socially but at least by speaking broken French there is still the potential for encounters and perhaps friendship. Why do you think I want to reincarnated as Parisian and not just immigrate there? I’ve never felt more powerless than when I was stringing together nouns and verbs, and the only impression I gleaned was that they were being rude to me. Please, you find impolite people everywhere and they’re not worth wasting your mental energy over. Still, I wish I could know how annoying they find us “Americans.” But overall, Paris is a lovely place with some kind, considerate and fascinating souls. Truly, you do not disappoint and what is more seductive than a city that makes you want to put your best version forward, a community that makes you want to be better?

Smut

June 3, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Being a full one month older than my husband, I feel that it qualifies me to give him sage advice on a regular basis. For example “it’s the cold ones that you have to worry about because they won’t think twice before rolling you over with their car.” Or, “no one likes getting divorced unless they have a lover to go to within the hour.” Clearly I’m being facetious but these thoughts come from years of observation. People fascinate me, how they primp, perform, revel and rebound from setbacks.

This interest is taken to another level through my inability to mind my own business. It’s a problem. I’ve tried going cold-turkey, offering myself rewards but nothing has satiated that hunger and I return once more. I figure we all have our vices and although it’s gross there are worse things. Maybe it’s cultural. From my experience with the Burmese community, diasporic or not, people are constantly talking about each other. It’s rarely malicious and they are just having a bit of fun. So I follow that same principle with my love of gossip—I keep it light. I could care less who is getting divorced or even who’s having babies I just like the beginnings. I cannot help it with the love stories.

But here is where it gets interesting. There is always the song and dance of the denial. We have a very “special” relationship, he’s my best friend, that’s ridiculous. Then they just start appearing in public together and after an appropriate time it’s just common knowledge that they are a partnership. In Hollywood every couple is a brand, especially the very famous ones, so you never want to seem like you’re seeking the attention, that you’re not cool. I would say this is the same for many public figures. This is where I feel slightly guilty for my fascination. In our age of social media it’s very difficult for celebrities to maintain their privacy and everyone is entitled to a private life. With a tweet, instagram or Facebook, it’s suddenly within the public realm for consumption. People judge you and your partner, the state of your relationship, your body, everything from that 20 second soundbyte or blurry picture. No wonder they want to keep some things to themselves and I feel badly for prying.

It doesn’t help that I’m good at research and am an observant person. I was born with a natural curiosity that is a source of pride and trouble all at the same time. When someone’s behaviour does not match their public representation in the media I look for more information, I build my case and I’m usually right. My favourite gossip queen and media personality Elaine Lui or Lainey calls this the “smutty tingles.” Trust, I was right about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart (I choose to believe that they were not a showmance in the “buffet that is gossip” as Lainey would say) and I’m pretty sure I’m right about my current one. If I’m not, well I’ll eat my words and my hat. The allure of it all is widespread, I mean there are whole fandoms out there. After always observing the public show I sometimes wish that I was a representative for a public figure. I would love to manage their image and cultivate interest. Maybe next lifetime.

UPDATE: I was probably wrong. I don’t know, they are confusing but I’m beyond caring.

Losing

May 28, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

“You can be lost anywhere.” This is one of my favourite quotes from “Felicity” a TV show from the late 90s. If you’ve never heard of it you are missing out on an underrated but excellent series that portrays the aftermath of a woman’s (Keri Russell) decision to follow her high-school crush (Scott Speedman) across country to attend university. Describing the premise this way does not give credit to how the writers slowly draw out and build her character throughout the seasons. You learn that she didn’t follow a boy, she was trying to escape her overbearing parents and stifled life. Again, “you can be lost anywhere.” It’s so true isn’t it? It is sometimes so tempting to bolt and let go of problems, schedules and monotony. Journeys are great and they can help build parts of yourself, but I don’t think they can be counted on to really take apart your inner conflicts. These types of trips and experiences make cinematic magic and there have been various films (Before Sunrise, Eat, Pray, Love, Stealing Beauty) that address these encounters. I want to discuss two of them now and how they approach these explorations in different ways.

In Sofia Coppola’s Lost in Translation you are privy to the friendship between two travellers in a Tokyo hotel. Lets put aside the problematic aspects of the portrayal of Japanese people and culture for this discussion. In her subtle and delicate style Coppola gets to the underlying desire, love and attraction between two individuals who are lonely and dissatisfied with their current relationships. They are bonded by their need to connect with someone, anyone, who can draw out why exactly they are staying in such an unfulfilled state. Time seems to pass slowly and the pacing is what really makes this film. You have to be just as patient as the characters themselves who are finally slowing down to enjoy time with someone who can actually see them. But there is a limit and they will return to their lives and never meet again. Bob will reconcile with his wife, career and duties but you have a feeling that Charlotte has built the courage to let go of trying to sew up the holes in her marriage. Yes, they don’t end up together and they never cross the line but that’s probably the most meaningful part. It’s less contrived as a result of their restraint and more meaningful that they were both the catalyst for each other, however brief their relationship. That they woke up.

I believe that Kat Coiro is also trying to achieve this in her work And while we were here where a woman (Kate Bosworth) tries to rescue her quickly failing marriage. There has been a trauma that has caused a huge divide between her and husband but she accompanies him to Italy to try to repair their partnership. When he’s working she sees the sights and tries to complete a book documenting her grandmother’s experiences in the second World War. This is where she meets a younger man who starts to pursue her and although she initially resists she is drawn into his lust for life, which in my opinion can only exist at a certain age and specific context. They begin an affair and she decides to leave her husband, not for the young man per say, but for herself. Now this is where I start to ask questions and all of the cliches start to grate on me. She leaves her accomplished, beautiful, classical violinist husband for a “boy” (I use this word for a reason) in shorts, tank tops who’s about go to Tibet for a “spiritual” journey? Yes her husband was emotionally distant but is that a deal-breaker? I don’t necessarily think it was him per say, their marriage just had had too many disasters and there was no more room to heal. Maybe it would have been more believable if the actor portraying the young man wasn’t so incredibly annoying. Jesus Christ, I know you are so excited to explore the world but calm down. The real stars of the movie are Capri and Kate Bosworth’s understated performance and wardrobe.

What I drew from both these films just reiterates that quote though, that your laundry list of issues will follow you anywhere. But it can be much easier to heal and gather yourself when you are away from the people and places that will just remind you of the past. There’s also more opportunity to meet new people and have more experiences somewhere new. Perhaps it’s not a bad idea to buy that airline ticket, you just have to remember that you also have to work on yourself when you land.

Gumption: Gwyneth Paltrow

August 17, 2011November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Gwyneth Paltrow was panned by the media a few years ago when she started up her blog GOOP, a website that addresses fashion, entertainment and culinary issues. People were in an uproar over the flaunting of her privileged lifestyle and the pretentious entries. For example, a few posts strongly hinted that you were just not civilized if you didn’t have a certain thread count to your sheets or owned a certain purse. I’m determined to believe that she is just misunderstood. Gwyneth Paltrow is friends with Madonna, is married to the front-man of a successful rock band and was raised in Manhattan by hollywood royalty. Her 68-year-old mother, Blythe Danner is a respected actress and is still working. For her social position and the peers she draws from, the advice is probably pretty sound. It’s of my opinion that, if you don’t like, don’t read it. Since her lifestyle choices do not match my own, I don’t read it but I’m also not going to diminish her efforts because I’m somehow above it. There’s a certain priggishness to that too no?

What I do love is her new cookbook “My father’s daughter.” Her producer/director father Bruce Paltrow passed away a few years ago and in this book she has gathered some of her parents’ recipes, shares current dishes that she makes for her family and memories of cooking with her father. Food is the foundation of showing your love to someone and when I look through this cookbook it’s clear, through family photos and memories, that it is a way for her to pay tribute to a man who had such a positive influence in her life. I don’t believe that a pretentious snob could create such a piece of work and maybe all Gwyneth Paltrow can be faulted for is wanting to share a part of herself with the world.