University Ave

July 21, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

The first thing I would tell Marina Keegan, author of “The opposite of loneliness” is that she’s fucking talented. I also want to apologize for calling her “Monica” when I tried to share her work on Facebook. But I can never tell her this through correspondence or in person because she died at the age of 22 in a car accident. It’s always so tragic when someone with gifts and promise passes away. So many of us have gifts and promise. Thankfully she has left her legacy through her work. She will be evergreen. Marina, whom her former professor described as: “brilliant, kind and idealistic; I hope I never forget that she was also fierce, edgy, and provocative” was a riot. Apparently “if you wanted a smooth ride, Marina wasn’t your vehicle.” She probably would not care that I butchered her name. Wherever she is she’s too busy feeling, writing about it and having a grand ole time.

The woman pictured below is not Marina Keegan and I’m not sure of her identity because I got the photograph from Tumblr. But I feel like she reflects Marina’s spirit, her exuberance. What’s special about Keegan’s work is that she wrote about a time that all of us would die to get back. When things were so raw, urgent and everything was vested with meaning. We lived for those glorious, messy nights when we were reckless and felt that we were invincible. We wanted to connect with the right one, the wrong one, anyone. But who knew that growing up would come so soon and that responsibilities and promises would burden us with some weight. The big girl pants are great but can fit a bit tight. It’s when you feel the most confined that you long for those years when you were completely free. When we literally vibrated with excitement and all of the possibilities were palpable. I don’t wish back the puke in my hair or the complete emotional annihilation from the boy I could have truly loved. But we were so lucky. We had Queen’s to allow us to figure out the angles, to step up and choose the identity to take forward. I don’t want to go back, fuck I’m so much wiser, but cannot help but smile when I think of you, and it all. Thanks, it was fun.

Catalysts and math

July 11, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Whenever a production company is trying to sell a movie they start throwing around words like “chemistry,” “undeniable,” “connection.” Nine out of ten times it will work because it is the catnip for us romantics. Now, don’t play shy, you know it’s irresistible when you see it in your office, the grocery store, the parking lot. I know that you smile. So when it is available for public consumption? There is nothing better.

I highly doubt that it’s just smoke and mirrors. You can’t fake chemistry. You either have it or you don’t and some pairings work so well. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart come to mind, whatever you have to say about their former open-relationship and bisexual arrangement. I don’t know why anyone’s surprised. Rules are not always the smart choice in hollyweird where they pay the bills by kissing and pretending to love other people. How many conventional relationships do you think exist there? Who’s to say these arrangements are any less healthy than our “normal” relationships?

But returning to the topic of chemistry it can destabilize many foundations but that doesn’t mean that a relationship or commitment will result from it. I think after they’ve done it for a few years, actors just attribute that strong emotional connection to character bleed and move on. Have you ever seen a behind the scenes look? Couples are not formed in that awkward studio with those giant microphones. They are created in whisperings in trailers when they are “rehearsing” far from their families, responsibilities and home. I also think they recognize that this artificial environment and the feelings felt there do not always stand up in the daylight. The soft glow of the fantasy cannot withstand the glare of everyday life. There are exceptions of course. Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet have a beautiful friendship post-Titantic. She even wears a plain gold band from him, engraved with a message, underneath her wedding ring. I reiterate, rules don’t exist the same way for celebrities with all of that wealth and freedom to choose. Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz also returned to their former lives and gave it another go, before realizing that they actually wanted to be with each other. So they cut the ties, wed and returned to living very private lives. Sometimes you can’t get it out of your system, and you’re not meant to.

The catalyst aspect of these chemical reactions is what fascinates me. Because some never begin, others die out while a rare few will survive. These are just questions because I don’t believe that there are well-formed answers as to why this happens. They just do. In December I was marking mid-terms at the public library. I was amongst the entire student body of North Toronto CI who were pretending to study. Now if the chatter wasn’t distracting enough there were two “friends” helping each other out with Calculus. I put the label in quotations because everything associated with the beginning was right there: the flirting, the leaning, the laughing. God, I felt like I was 17 again. Then his girlfriend showed up. And I was like, oh, it’s that grey zone. When she kept looking over with concerned looks I felt badly, because I thought, honey, I’m sorry but I’m not sure you’re going to like how this story gets played out. One of her guy friends even gave me a knowing look. Everyone at the table knew. Sure enough, two months ago I was leaving the library and guess who are now a couple? Calculus friends.

Chemistry can blow. I felt badly for the ex. But the new couple was cute.

Let go

June 20, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Didn’t Joni warn us that “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?” See, when I hear it in my head it’s Janet Jackson’s version and you can catch Q-Tip reply “Joni Mitchell never lies.” And she doesn’t. But I’ve always thought that nostalgia was probably the least productive thing that you can choose to wallow in. What is more futile than fighting change? I’d rather not struggle against the wave, I’d like for it to take me to shore.

I’ve never been afraid of letting go but then again maybe it’s because I’m an immigrant. It’s like I got a lifetime’s worth of saying goodbye done and over with when I was 6 years old, when I left my loud, affectionate, beautiful extended family. When it broke a part of me. I’ve shed enough tears in all the visits since then and I’m sick and tired of it. Now I keep my goodbyes short and sweet, I get on with things and just plan on buying some plane tickets. What is it with you Burma? You keep drawing me back in. Even if I wanted you to remain, you too have changed, with all of your tall buildings and politics.

The best thing that transformation offers us is that life continues, even after people have left us, even after you have moved on, even after you make new meanings. All of my friends are moving away and so are we. We were once sheltered by the university campus, classrooms, and nights out. Then we got jobs or went to grad school, slowly accumulating more duties and responsibilities. Now many of us are packing up those exact homes in the city that protected us to start anew. It’s hard for me to define the way I’m feeling but grief is definitely part of it. Perhaps it’s because we’re older and we’re not approaching this point of transition as we did former ones. After high school you promise that you’ll keep in touch and remain friends. After university you say the same things but actually mean it and try your best. Now, I know, with slight regret that it’s going to be harder and harder to maintain these bonds. Time, distance and busy lives will start to diminish the ties, but however frayed these friendships become I know that a part of them remain. No, they won’t be the same but a different version does not undermine the love at its core. I’m not going to let them dissipate because I’m also mature enough to know that profound connections are not that easy to form. I’m not twenty and feeling like everyone will be my best friend. I have my best friends already. They’re my people. We’ll just see each other when we see each other.

I’m rather thankful for Joni’s words and they don’t make me sad. They shake me up to not take a single thing for granted.

Choosing your family

June 26, 2011November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

“Friends are the family you choose.” I am usually the first to cringe at such sappy Hallmark greeting card sentimentality but I think that there might actually be something to this statement. It’s funny that I will scoff at such sentiments but still believe in the notion of soul mates and undeniable connections between partners. My inherent romantic nature and real-life experiences may have something to do with why I am more willing to believe in the priceless nature of true friendship.

So how do I define true friendship? I am lucky enough to have a few very close friends who I love deeply and rely upon. So, I will draw from the relationships that we have worked hard to build and maintain. I have shared much happiness and trials with these men and women, I have shown my absolute worst, and they are still the people I am fully and completely myself around. It comes down to trust, which is something that is usually strengthened gradually but so easily lost. I trust that they will love me no matter what. I also feel that they have my best interests at heart and are truly happy for my achievements, while being honest enough to tell me when I am wrong. The most toxic friends are the ones who may seem to be on your side but are involved in a strange passive-aggressive competition with you. I have learned to cut my ties or at least loosen the connections with these people. It really is for the best.

Strong relationships always involve reciprocity so I do try my best to also provide my friends with the same amount of respect, affection and care they show me. This is not to say that friendships are not tested by time or distance but I have seen proof that the true ones last. You may not be a part of each other’s daily lives but when you are together, the same connection is still there. There are also times when my friends annoys me beyond belief but having grown older, I see how real connections with people are rare, which in turn develops my commitment to love them for precisely who they are.

If you want to see a film that addresses the themes of friendship, love and family I would recommend that you watch “Little white lies” (2010). A character-driven piece, the film follows the lives of a group of friends who are on holiday in France. You get to observe their moments of conflict and laughter all with a soundtrack made for a summer road trip. Actually, my only critique of the film involves the music. While it’s all fun, it did sound like a collection of the director’s iPod summer playlist. I understand including a few favourites but the entire mish mash list is a bit gratuitous. With regards to the writing, I enjoyed how like many groups of friends they were all close but there were also pockets within the network where some were closer to others. This was also the only movie in recent memory that had me in hysterics with two memorable scenes involving a boat.

So, ending this piece I just want to thank my closest friends (you know who you are) for the decade or more of love. I am beyond lucky to have you as my family.

Cast of “Little white lies” (2010)