Etiquette

July 7, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

Rules are at the very least for the bending. Following instructions to the T will probably make you one big bore, IKEA furniture being the only exception. Your desk might fall apart if you don’t. You probably shouldn’t touch pieces of art either. Really though, where would we be without the rule breakers? Without those who did not want to be caged within convention? Non-critical people are the biggest source of frustration for my husband. He does not get them. At all. Does that make us cynical and unhappy? Probably at times. It’s easy to be happy. It’s harder to view the world with playfulness and an adventurous heart.

But you know where regulations gain more importance? Manners. I’m not saying that we return to the sitting rooms of Victorian England, but a little bit of civility goes a long way. Etiquette can regulate our behaviour positively through kindness and allow us to play the social game more effectively.

Compassion and appreciation are at the core of certain practices. For example, you write those thank you cards because you recognize people’s efforts and thoughtfulness. I also don’t care if the Queen of England has to wait, you don’t start eating till all of your guests have arrived. You don’t look down on others because you’re secure in your positioning, and perhaps recognize that dumb luck is one of factors that placed you at an advantage. That does not mean that you’re not critical of how people operate. You just have enough sense to leave it alone and choose your battles, because really, at the end of the day it’s probably none of your business. I’m pretty sure that Prince William would be the most polite person you’ll ever meet. He has nothing to lose with treating others with reverence precisely because of his privilege. It’s the insecure people who are making it difficult for everyone.

Knowing the rules also allows you to play the game more effectively. The winners circle is formed by those who can read the social signifiers and strategize where they would like to go. It’s strange because a lack of manners comes in so many different forms: racism, sexism, ableism and other types of discrimination. I’ve felt more sorry than anything else for ignorant people. I feel sad that their perspectives are so narrow and small. I hope that these viewpoints are transformed with time and experience. I always try to correct when my own intolerance is expressed. But in your daily life, even if these practices cause hurt and scars, it’s best not to engage. When Lainey describes how the comedian Chelsea Handler has publicly made so many heinous comments against Angelina Jolie, she praises the Jolie’s tactics: “Radio silence. Chelsea doesn’t exist in heaven. That’s how it’s done.” I like it. Ignorance cannot exist on the high road, on our higher ground.

Being bad

July 4, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice would have rather been a penniless spinster relying on the charity of her relatives than to marry a man she didn’t love. How much more bad-ass can you get? Fully aware that she would be bored out of her mind embroidering cushions for the rest of her life, she preferred that to having to spend tedious evening after tedious evening with someone she couldn’t respect. A feminist in the documentary Forbidden love describes how so many people kept defining her behaviour as being deviant because of her sexual orientation. One day she just decided to go with it and thought “fine, I’m bad. But I’m a good bad because I’m smart.” I think I would put Lizzy Bennett in this same category because she understands that not many men would consider her intelligence to be an asset in being a “good wife.” Her financial circumstances also place her at a disadvantage. But she frankly does not care. She believes that she is a full-human being and interacts with her world boldly. She not only played the game but owned it. You know she’s boss when she married not just a wealthy man, but a “filthy rich” one as her mother would so tactfully put it. He was also beautiful. This is equivalent to her becoming a CEO in her time period when the only employment option for women of a certain standing was marriage. So, lets take a moment to give pause to this literary figure and the woman who brought her into existence.

We should all be so lucky to have more Elizabeth Bennetts in the world. I believe that the novel is still so well-loved because we hope that it could happen now. That you could transcend, class, racial and other lines that prevent so many partnerships from beginning. I once asked my late grandmother what she thought of my relationship. I did this because she used to tease me that she had some wealthy, educated and kind Burmese men who were “export quality.” She was joking but I did wonder if she had reservations about me getting involved with someone outside of my race. She replied that 40-50 years ago it just would not have happened. Even if we had feelings they would not be enough to endure the social and emotional hardships. People often forget that in the 50s inter-racial couples could not get married. It was against the law. Commonalities make everything easier and social interactions go more smoothly. Rationally, you can understand why relationships with those of a similar background would be alluring. But when many of us read this novel it’s not just romantic but it gives us hope for better days. Many of us want to see a future where we return to the humanity that joins us, for us to see through the socially constructed barriers.

In that historical context, Elizabeth Bennett’s wit will serve her well within Darcy’s circle but lets keep it real, she gets her credentials from what he thinks of her. His world is one that she never would have been able to attain on her own. But because he thinks so highly of her and is willing to overlook the huge divide in class, she is automatically placed at his level. Every reader will praise Elizabeth but Darcy is pretty bad-ass too.

Work

July 2, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Whenever I want really nice things my husband quotes a Britney Spears song: “you better work, bitch.” Expletive included. Andrew, well really no one, is allowed to speak to me this way, but for the sake of art and Britney’s meaning from the word, I allow it. I figure she’s a survivor, if anyone’s able to call me a bitch it’s Britney. Because it’s valid you know, the majority of us have to earn those dolla dolla bills to have the finer things in life. I’ve never been ashamed of loving beautiful things, in fact I’m very much inspired by them. I understand the satisfaction that is fostered from seeing your blood, sweat and tears translated into something good. My immigrant parents have always instilled in me that there is no secret formula, it’s just hard work. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t love for some pale blue boxes in white bows to show up at my front door.

My best friend K and I once casually mulled over how great it would be to have an allowance from our husbands and to not have to work. Several feminists are rolling their eyes as I write these words, literally saying, “are you kidding me?” I should be more precise, Second Wave feminists are frustrated at having marched with placards on the streets for me to utter such a statement, and Third Wave feminists allow me to feel whatever the hell I want. Nonetheless, they are probably all rolling their eyes a little. But the question is, who doesn’t want to have an unlimited amount of disposable income and choose how they spend their days? Just because we would occasionally be “ladies who lunch” doesn’t mean that we are also not achieving meaningful goals. It also doesn’t diminish our degrees from those fine educational institutions. There’s always a price to pay for the allowance anyways, because every single thing has a cost. Whether it comes in the form of never seeing your investment banker husband, having to report how exactly you spent his hard-earned money or having to mitigate the consequences of something not being good enough, the debt collector just arrives on different days. That life of leisure is not valued in society. We are unpaid and reduced to doing “nothing” and that’s not right either. I’m pretty sure that choice is a fundamental aspect of the politics I signed up for.

Therefore, I kind of appreciate that my husband wants me to work. I mean that’s what I ask for when I’m demanding some form of equality right? With that employment also comes a power, however small the paycheque, that no one can take away. It’s a form of leverage in the relationship. I just want all forms of work that we women perform to be counted.

Some people buy jewelry to signify that they’ve achieved their aspirations, other invest it in real estate. I’m planning on slowly but surely putting aside a portion of my income each month to buy a Celine purse. Lets ignore the fact that the Kardashians love them because if we held everything to that standard we wouldn’t be able to purchase a thing. The Celine baggage tote is truly beautiful, so well designed and constructed. The best part is that it’s relatively accessible, well, compared to Dior or Chanel anyways. I know that my husband would kill me in my sleep if I spent 5-10 thousand dollars on an accessory, so Celine it is. When I was recently in Paris I saw one in the department store Printemps and got actual heart palpitations. Andrew asked if I was going to touch it and I said no. I don’t feel it appropriate to touch anything at that level till I am good and ready to produce my credit card shortly thereafter. Just like you don’t enter a Chanel boutique in rubber flip flops, I’m willing to wait and work for it.

#Canadiana

June 30, 2014November 13, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Upon arrival from Paris I knew I had landed in my home, within my nation, with my people because of the apologies. You’d be surprised the number of “sorrys” you hear from the time it takes you to disembark, walk on the flat escalators, and line up at customs. It’s a common stereotype that Canadians are polite, accommodating, and accepting and thank goodness that some of it is true. I would be nowhere without your rights, privileges and political freedom. As an immigrant I just want to thank you for being gentle with me, being kind to my family and allowing me to cultivate a sense of belonging.

Being a land of people from somewhere else, it’s as if we’re all figuring it out together. I’m not sure if I’m imagining this feeling of solidarity but Canada has earned her reputation because you allow all of us to co-exist with dignity and respect. My husband always asks me if it’s cold outside and I tell him not to ask because he knows that I’m an immigrant. If it doesn’t feel like a sauna, I will be wearing a jacket. Perhaps it’s because my mother made me wear thermal underwear well into April, but I’m perpetually cold. God, she continued to buy me thermal underwear well into my twenties. She used to tuck it into my luggage after Christmas break when I was about to return to Queen’s. You see, this is just the kind of stuff that immigrants do. But I appreciate that in my country you are not considered to be strange and crazy. If it’s not thermal underwear another newcomer is probably obsessing about wool toques. There’s comfort in that.

My parents were always strategic about my education and social circle. When we first moved to Toronto I attended a very diverse school in the downtown area where we learnt about Black History every week, not just once a year, young girls wore head scarves and we were the children of parents who worked way too hard. It is here that a teacher named Mr. Kennedy changed my life by encouraging me to write, attend enriched classes and told my parents to move to North Toronto. I still remember the moment when during a parent-teacher interview he literally wrote it down on a piece a paper: the “good” schools, having attended Lawrence Park CI himself. That’s the thing about my parents, they are the best. They packed our life into boxes, we moved to the neighbourhood and began a new phase in our life. I can never repay them for their sacrifices because these schools led me to my university, my friends, my life. That’s what makes Canada so special. It has raised a generation of people who have seen their parents create something from scarcity and difficult times. It’s not the immigrant story, many of our parents do the exact same thing.

I’m not only Canadian but a Torontoian, which in my mind is one of the best cities in the world. It’s here that there’s always something to do, people to meet, perspectives to change. So, as I leave you I just want to say, Toronto, you gave me my husband, my kid, my education. I love you and I’ll see you when I see you. Alright Boston, I’m game if you are.

Happy Canada Day.

The rebound

June 27, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Like death and taxes, failure is a constant part of life. These disappointments, however painful, are completely necessary because those upswings wouldn’t be nearly as sweet without these lows. I picture what I call the “craptastic” moments to be very much like the rebound in basketball, when you don’t score the points but the ball makes contact and there is potential for it to go in many different directions. The challenge is to not get lost in the self-doubt.

Failure makes you feel very small but after you have a drink or twenty, kiss a couple of boys and stay in bed for a few days, it’s time to just get on with it. This is the point when I start to retrace my steps. I evaluate my actions and try to find the point when it began to go awry. Funnily enough, the feeling of shock from falling on your face starts to lessen precisely when you wonder how you didn’t see it coming. This also helps to contextualize it as a part of your history, literally a blip on the radar when things weren’t so great. It is here that you have to put the feelings of lack or worthlessness aside because you are neither of those things. Failure is not an inherent part of who you are, it’s just a part of the story.

Plus, we garner hope in the fact that there is always something to do. Whether it’s getting yourself out of your pajamas or building up the courage to start on your next endeavour, they are steps to healing and preparing to try again. Writer Calvin Trillin always emphasizes that faltering is an inevitable part of being human. It’s the grace with which you pull yourself together that matters. When you get past all of the Vince Vaughan and vegas, baby, vegas, the film Swingers actually suggests a similar approach to returning to the living. Jon Favreau is mourning the end of a long-term relationship and when Ron Livingston comes to visit he not only brings him a sandwich but some advice. You want to feel it? Sure, go right ahead. But with every day that passes, the hurt will marginally shrink till one day it will be gone. It’s true you know, time is everyone’s contingency plan. Better luck next time. No, seriously, you might have better luck next time.

Flying solo

June 25, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

Traveling alone is one of the best things you can do as a woman. It’s almost as if the positives and negatives go hand in hand. You have to consider your safety but that mindfulness forces you to build some character. Not having anyone to rely on, you learn to do things that you normally would have relegated to your partner, friend or mother. For example, I used to be awful at giving directions and it was a better option to ask a stranger on the street rather than have me read a map. Now, I am quite proficient at orienting us when we travel because I was forced to practice. I learnt to navigate street names and intersections because I had to find my way around in a strange place, often in the dark, slightly intoxicated and alone. The other benefit is that you challenge your preconceived notions about who you give the time of day. Being in a foreign country bonds individuals from different backgrounds together and it’s from these friendship that you recognize how distinctions enrich your life.

Being on my own also gave me the freedom to call all of the shots. I no longer had to consult another person and make concessions on film choices or the plans for an evening. Having been in a relationship since the age of 16 it was quite liberating. I ate alone and did not feel like a loser. But with all of that freedom from familial obligations came a whole lot of time and at some points boredom. Just like nothing good happens after 2 am nothing good comes from being idle. Lets just say that I went looking for some drama when it didn’t come a knocking. After I got that out of my system, I read a lot of books, drank some coffee, and sat in some air conditioned theatres to fill up the spaces and silences.

Within this context I spent many hours on my own. I still had my family of close friends with whom I connected with on a regular basis but this didn’t account for when I was traveling from site to site, researching and writing. Reflecting on it now there were several instances where I could have easily disappeared to never again see the light of day. But like with anything in life we roll the dice and hope for the good outcomes. I even took a romantic trip to Bali solo and ate breakfast in bed every single day. All of this is fine and good till several months into my time abroad I started preferring this state of solitude. The upside is that it’s rather peaceful to go days at a time not speaking to anyone. It was a whole lot less work that’s for sure. But when I started to view human interaction as a source of fatigue I knew I was on the precipice of some not so healthy tendencies. But there is a middle-ground between the extremes. There’s nothing worse than someone who cannot be fulfilled without some sort of social affirmation. The balance is just hard to achieve.

Please let me demonstrate the dangers of a hundred years of solitude. I recently saw a documentary called Guys and Dolls about men who buy life-size love dolls to serve as their companions. They speak to them, shower them with affection, perform sex acts and buy children’s clothes to dress them up. So, basically Lars and the real girl without Ryan Gosling to take the edge off. Now, there’s a politically correct reaction and a more honest one that I felt. Why don’t I give you both. PC: “well, that’s interesting.” Honest: “that’s some weird shit.” I have no problem with men owning dolls and I’m even fine with them assigning personality traits like meek, standoffish or traditional to them. We all have desires and enact them in various ways. Truly, I believe that as long as you’re not disrespecting or physically harming anyone there’s enough room for all of us. I am more uncomfortable with the motivations behind the ownership. Research indicates that many of these men have not been rejected by women and could probably have actual relationships, they would rather have a woman who will not speak back and whom they can fully control. They can’t achieve this with actual human beings with their flaws and multiplicities. I think that’s when your fantasies cross over to the slightly delusional and unhealthy side. When the uncertainty of life is a source of fear rather than excitement it might be time to ask yourself a few pertinent questions. In this life you cannot make anyone reciprocate your feelings or remain in love with you. Yes, people do leave but when this debilitates you it becomes kind of sad.

These stories are not be fetishized or gawked at. It’s a reality that we are continually becoming more disconnected and feelings of alienation can isolate the best of us. But perhaps instead of withdrawing completely to material cultures to cope it might be more fulfilling to try to make some contact. Join a drum circle, Amnesty international, a house league. Anything, just open the door and step outside.

Let go

June 20, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Didn’t Joni warn us that “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?” See, when I hear it in my head it’s Janet Jackson’s version and you can catch Q-Tip reply “Joni Mitchell never lies.” And she doesn’t. But I’ve always thought that nostalgia was probably the least productive thing that you can choose to wallow in. What is more futile than fighting change? I’d rather not struggle against the wave, I’d like for it to take me to shore.

I’ve never been afraid of letting go but then again maybe it’s because I’m an immigrant. It’s like I got a lifetime’s worth of saying goodbye done and over with when I was 6 years old, when I left my loud, affectionate, beautiful extended family. When it broke a part of me. I’ve shed enough tears in all the visits since then and I’m sick and tired of it. Now I keep my goodbyes short and sweet, I get on with things and just plan on buying some plane tickets. What is it with you Burma? You keep drawing me back in. Even if I wanted you to remain, you too have changed, with all of your tall buildings and politics.

The best thing that transformation offers us is that life continues, even after people have left us, even after you have moved on, even after you make new meanings. All of my friends are moving away and so are we. We were once sheltered by the university campus, classrooms, and nights out. Then we got jobs or went to grad school, slowly accumulating more duties and responsibilities. Now many of us are packing up those exact homes in the city that protected us to start anew. It’s hard for me to define the way I’m feeling but grief is definitely part of it. Perhaps it’s because we’re older and we’re not approaching this point of transition as we did former ones. After high school you promise that you’ll keep in touch and remain friends. After university you say the same things but actually mean it and try your best. Now, I know, with slight regret that it’s going to be harder and harder to maintain these bonds. Time, distance and busy lives will start to diminish the ties, but however frayed these friendships become I know that a part of them remain. No, they won’t be the same but a different version does not undermine the love at its core. I’m not going to let them dissipate because I’m also mature enough to know that profound connections are not that easy to form. I’m not twenty and feeling like everyone will be my best friend. I have my best friends already. They’re my people. We’ll just see each other when we see each other.

I’m rather thankful for Joni’s words and they don’t make me sad. They shake me up to not take a single thing for granted.

Becoming Kate

June 18, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I hate having such an unusual name. It’s a pain in the ass. Even at the age of 32 it is still a source of anxiety and it’s one that I can’t escape because it literally allows me to exist. This is the marker that signifies your relationship to the state through your citizenship, rights and privileges. It also impacts your personal life.

Having an identifier that is difficult to pronounce and spell has meant that I’ve never been able to graduate without whispering its correct pronunciation to the proctor. This name has further heightened the already existing tension of meeting new people and building networks. When I lived in Thailand for a year, many of the social interactions took place in bars. Most of my friends were expats but do you know how awkward it is to yell over the loud music and repeat my name for the umpteenth time? Then the questions about my background and the origins of the name begin, which yes can bring forth some great conversation, but it gets a bit old the twentieth time around.

All of these experiences influenced my decision to change it up a bit. A few years ago I was in a dressing room at Lululemon and they asked for my name to be written on the door. I replied “Kate” and with that the sales person smiled, spelt it correctly and told me to call her if I needed any assistance. There were no questions, no switching of letters, she was just on her merry way. For the first time I understood what the Jennifers of the world always get to feel. I was riding on a wave of ease and it was addictive. So I did it again. Over and over, at Starbucks, The Gap, Club Monaco, basically in any establishment which required this form of interaction.

The best way to rile up a graduate student is to bring up the word “normativity.” It is this process that people go on and on about for hundreds of pages trying to understand and challenge. We are trained to feel that there is nothing worse than to fall into the normative trap or to prescribe this existence for others. The creation of hard boundaries and characterizing individuals as deviants gets you kicked off the team. I’m just kidding, inclusivity is at the core of critical studies. You just get shamed and then kicked off the team. Obviously these theories are extremely important. I mean the world would still be unbearable without these contentions and the brave souls who are trying to slowly destabilize these systems. But you know what, it is also so incredibly appealing to be “normal.” The safety and comfort of fitting in is a situation that is hard to pull yourself out of. It’s hard to resurface. But who says everything has to be so difficult all of the time? If I’m going to fake it and pretend I might as well enjoy it. There is a threshold to all of this fun anyways because it is not possible to make this a legal reality. There would be far too many friends to tell, identification cards to change, aspects of my life to dismantle. I can never actually become Kate because I’m already someone else. That’s alright though. You can always play innocent games whenever you want.

Why the name Kate you might ask? What other name can make you think of fashionable, talented and interesting women in 5 seconds flat? Winslet, Bosworth, Mara, Middleton. They also have an air about them that is a bit reserved, calm and composed. I am not and will never be one of the Kate Hudsons of the world. You see, when I play dress-up I always use beautiful clothes.

Again

June 13, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Have you ever played the coulda, woulda, shoulda game? In my opinion it’s the best way to get nowhere fast. But as with all things, there’s a time and place for everything. Re-imagining your wedding is one such instance and it’s surprisingly fun. If I planned the day today, knowing what I know now, it would be completely different. Well of course it would, because 6 years later I’m different.

I’m not sure how many wives say this but I wish I had been a bit more crazy. I approached the whole thing like it was a research project, to check things off of a list and enter into excel. I was careful to be composed, flexible and willing to accommodate people’s wishes. But amongst all of that pretend zen, I was actually a control-freak desperately trying to hide my anxiety at giving things up left, right and centre. By not speaking up and saying “no” more, I lost my voice and as a result parts of my wedding started to chip away. With those fractures I felt like I was also suppressing a part of who I was, who we were as a couple. For example, after a recent visit to Paris we vowed that we would return to live there for an extended period in the near future. We say this with such confidence because rarely do Andrew I not make things happen. We are stubborn as individuals and even more strong-willed together so we know that it’s going to be a reality and we will strategize our next steps to get there.

With regards to the wedding I’m not really talking about having regrets because looking back, I had a beautiful, lovely wedding day and I wouldn’t change a thing. I just wish that I had fought harder for what I wanted. So, I’m doing a remix, a Smith wedding version 2.0. Here’s the do-over with all of the trimmings. They all begin with the word “go,” ha, because it rhymes with “no”:

Go away. That’s right my wedding would have been far, far away from the streets of Toronto. Really, why didn’t I think of this back then? The strength of our partnership is our common love of travel. It should have involved suitcases, passports, jet lag and somewhere beautiful to reflect on the beginning of this next phase in our lives. We should have begun anew.

Go intimate. With the distance comes the ease of having a guest list that reflects close-knit bonds. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m sure that our party of over 160 people all wished us well, I just didn’t know many of them and neither did Andrew. The individuals who will commit to attending your destination wedding probably know you well enough to put in the time, effort and financial resources. Many will ask, what about those who really care for you but can’t attend? Aren’t you leaving them out? Yes, that’s always unfortunate but to be completely honest, even as a graduate student living off of funding (thankfully not for much longer), if my best friend decided to get married in Iceland, I would sell the clothes off my back to buy the ticket. With the smaller attendance you are able to actually interact and converse with all of your guests and in the end, all of you are bonded by this shared experience abroad.

Go outside. On my wedding day it rained all day long. All day. I’m exaggerating because we did get some outdoor shots but the lighting was dark and flat. Rather than put up with this fate again I would research a time and place when there would be sunshine. I’m not saying that I would suddenly have the ability to control weather conditions, just that if you are smart enough, there is literally a time and a place where it’s warm and rarely rains. I would rent a villa in the south of France. There would be enough room for family members and close friends to stay with us in the house during the wedding and guests could stay in town. The ceremony would be outside. Then we would eat, drink, dance and be merry. Simple.

Go custom-made. You know the emerald green dress that Keira Knightley wore in Atonement? I would get that dress tailored-made for me in white silk. I would also be as skinny as I am now.

Go all out. There are suddenly more possibilities when you are not serving dinner to over 160 people. With that extra breathing room financially you can make your vision a reality aesthetically, through your choice of cuisine and music. You are better able to get lost in the details and create a certain “feel” that reflects your excitement to celebrate the profound love that you have for each other.

These coulda, woulda, shoulda ramblings can become a reality you know. On our 20th wedding anniversary we are going to rent a house in Provence for a month. We are going to cook, read, get fat and be content. Hopefully our family and friends will join us for those long, lazy, happy days.

My favourite mistake

June 11, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

I’ve always imagined life to be a body of water. I usually just jump right in, at times not thinking things completely through. As a result I’ve made mistakes. A whole whack of them. But I think it’s just the way I’m wired, I almost revel in the messiness. I know it’s not always easy to live with someone like that. Good thing I’m married to my balance. He grounds me and I pick him up.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect people to clean up after me. One of the worst character traits is not being accountable for your actions and taking responsibility for the damage that you have caused. Therefore, I know to finish what I start even if my actions have resulted in me being in a world of hurt and sheepishness. But you have to step back and ask, why am I embarrassed? Should I be? It’s the judgement and slight to their egos that often prevents people from taking risks or asking for precisely what they want. I mean I get it, there is comfort in fitting in. I’m not sure if we ever leave the middle school gymnasiums where you want to be picked. I think the gyms just get bigger and we just get smarter. It’s great to have the ring, the mortgage, the wealth and the status. But I think the reward of having designed a life that you love is so much more fulfilling. The knowledge that you didn’t compromise your values gets you through the price you pay for such a life. Lets face it, we won’t always get what we want. Why do you think the Smiths begged “please please please let me get what I want this time?” But something always happens, things change, you grow and move forward. There’s comfort in that too right?

Sure, there are so many other realities that you could have had. Maybe in some alternate universe I chose to stay at home and attend the University of Toronto. Maybe I’m married to some doctor, probably Asian, and he buys me whatever purse I want at the duty-free airport store. Maybe there are 100 different versions of us, different universes. But I like this one, with a brave husband and a beautiful son.

“When you go, all I know is you’re my favourite mistake.” Now try to hear these words in Sheryl Crow’s voice. Her song about her relationship with the very married Eric Clapton. Her song about how she wouldn’t take anything back.

I’ll own my mistakes thank you very much. At least I’m living. It’s the foolish ones who don’t at least try.