Embodiment

May 27, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

They often say that managing our bodies is all about control. Well of course it is. I’m not trying to make light of the pressures that exist for both sexes to conform to certain societal expectations of thinness or muscular definition. After all, it’s this ultimate performance that causes the breakdown of will, wears on bodies and can result in death. What I do want to do is to bring out some of the complexities in these stories because after all, the easy way out is to blame it all on society, magazines and love songs. Whenever anything is too easy that’s when I become suspicious and I know that there is more to discuss, unpack and tease out.

As women, our bodies change throughout our life phase. Our present image may not reflect our fourteen, twenty-two or forty year old selves. However, I find that the body is often most scrutinized when you are an expectant mother. This is probably one of the only times when you’re allowed to gain weight and not feel marginalized because of the added mass. In my own experience, I loved it because for the first time since my prepubescent days I didn’t need to be self-conscious of my protruding stomach. Rather, my body was celebrated, problematically of course, as the ultimate as a marker of femininity. But this changes rather quickly when you’ve given birth to your child and those pressures to present a normative aesthetic return. It’s not just your independence and regular sleep patterns that you lose in the first few months, it’s also having to live in a body that you might no longer recognize, with scars and badges of how you and your life has changed. So where do you go from here?

The cruelty of the beauty industry has long been documented but what about the pleasures? I believe that this portrait is too reductionist and doesn’t show the agency of choosing the outcome. Is there not satisfaction in trying, through self-discipline and hard work, to have your body be the vessel of your inner self? With confidence and self-worth you are often able to present a more nuanced version of yourself that can not only impact your professional life but personal as well. Who doesn’t want to be around someone who is completely comfortable in their own skin? Lets keep it real, we all have moments of self-doubt but happiness can help you become more resilient. Probably the two most important lessons I’ve learnt thus far are that not everyone will like you and that it’s much easier to enjoy the peaks when you no longer fear the valleys. What’s to fear anyways? We all have our ticket for when to leave, it’s just a matter of enjoying each day that we’re given. So I say take pleasure in your body, whatever form it takes. And let go of the guilt that you’re just giving into what is expected of you.

What’s in a name?

May 21, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

One of the first feminist readings I completed for undergrad said that as a woman, you first belong to your father and then your husband through your name. I would cite the theorist if I could but unfortunately I cannot remember her name. Ha. Her words did resonate with me though and made me consider how marriage would impact my last name, which really was just adding to my laundry list of issues with this social marker. It is something that’s always unsettled me and an aspect that I still grapple with. You know those people that boldly say, oh, what makes you different is the greatest gift? Well, in many cases that is very true and should be celebrated. But in other instances it is the thorn at your side that you just have to live with.

Burmese women generally keep their names intact for a myriad of reasons I’m sure but mostly because naming is something that is taken very seriously in the culture. Some parents take up to several months to name a child and that is only after careful consideration and consultations with astrological charts. Your name becomes like your thumb print, unique to the day, time and stars of your birth and an embodiment of your parents’ aspirations for you. So, not wanting to mess with the stars I considered combining the two names. Ei Phyu Han-Smith, which for some reason it sounded like the keys on a typewriter. The sounds were too harsh and didn’t fit. It’s like when you call a helpline and the automated voice has a different tone and lilt for each option which ultimately does not go well together. Therefore, after the wedding I just didn’t change it all. I didn’t race down to city hall and the line-ups and just left it as it is.

A few years later I decided that I wanted to take my husband’s name. I loved him, I loved the child that I was about to have and I wanted us to be a team, a unit. In my father’s eyes I was changing my fate by making such a transformation but don’t we do that everyday with our choices anyways? It felt like I was committing to my partner again and it finally felt right. That was three years ago and everything from my driver’s licence to passport signifies that I am indeed a “Smith.” But somehow people are still adding “Han” to my name, hyphenating and extending it. In a completely irrational way, it bothers me. It annoys me still when other women remind me of their hyphenated name and how they could never be Mrs. Whoever. I’m all for having opinions as long as you’re open to women choosing what’s right for them. But, I try to remember that identity projects are all well and good but we live in a social world. It’s strange that you can embody something in such a distinct and legal way but it takes time for it to be adopted in your circle, your environment.

One time when I went to a Starbucks and stated that my name was “Smith” the cashier replied: “I’m assuming that it’s for someone else.” Obviously, he is a racist prick but what made me more angry was that for my case I chose that name, and yes it was insulting but it wasn’t devastating. What if I had been adopted and he reduced my identity that way? Then I thought of my son and how he too is C. Smith but how will people react when his body might not necessarily reflect a part of his blood and heritage? However, he’s growing up in a very different context and cultural milieu. Half of his daycare class is not just of mixed ancestry but half-Asian. When I went to middle school I was one of 5 Asian people in my school. So, he’ll negotiate his identity and his world in a very different way and that’s fascinating, fruitful and productive. So what’s in a name? History, identity, pleasure and anxiety all melded together in flesh and bones. There is more at stake than a line on an envelope so take care when you’re addressing it.

Loving women

May 14, 2014November 11, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Leading up to Mother’s Day I wanted to write a short tribute to two incredible women whom I love. But then I realized that this wouldn’t do justice to all of the women who have inevitably made such a mark on my life.

But first, I need to speak of my mother. Ever since I was a young girl I thought that my mother was the most beautiful woman in the world. Obviously aesthetically she is beautiful and has such a great sense of style, but what makes her gorgeous in my eyes is the way that she lives her life with such grace. Her calm and gentle approach to life can make it easy to sometimes underestimate her, but she is the strongest woman I know. She is also the funniest and let me give you some example of my mother’s wit. One weekend we were over at my parents’ house and I was in the dining room reading. She was playing with my son and I overhear her saying, “Ask your mommy to brush you hair everyday C. I know that she never brushes her hair.” Yes my friends, because I wear my naturally wavy hair in a pony tail and have long given up the fight with the flat iron, I never brush my hair. It made me laugh. The other day C. had a cough and throughout the whole day, she kept asking me to give him cough syrup. He is two years old and the paediatrician has already said that cough suppressants don’t work and that it’s something that his system has to work through. This is not just for kids, we all have to let our immune system deal with it. So I finally said, “can you stop telling me to give my child alcohol (which is what cough syrup mainly is).” To which she replied: “you are like one of those people who don’t use electricity.”

I’ve always wanted to be exactly like her and I still do.

In turn my late grandmother can be described as the polar opposite to my mother. She had a big and outspoken personality that everyone was drawn to. Professionally she never allowed anything, from her gender, ethnicity or nationality stop her from achieving her goals. Her fearlessness is something I continually try to emulate. This is a woman who completed her PhD in Canada and traveled to Moscow and Mongolia with the UN. She had a light that people just wanted to be within. And I’m lucky to have known her and be loved by her because like with everything, she loved well. She’s taught me everything I know but the two lessons that I remember most is when she told me not to marry an extreme (religious, political) or controlling man and to always have enough money in the bank account to leave. She told me this when I was eleven. She spent some time with my husband before he proposed and the fact that she genuinely adored him was probably one of the main reasons I said yes. That’s how much I trusted her judgement. I was with my husband in Paris recently and we were sitting in this beautiful, modern restaurant in the Opera house. I started speaking of her and he said that I was crying in restaurants again (the other moment was when we had a tiff in a famous tearoom earlier in the week). But I couldn’t help it, it was suffocating how much I missed her. I miss her every single day.

Lastly, I feel so lucky to know so many strong, incredible women. My best friend K, has literally seen me at my worst when I was making questionable life choices and when I wasn’t very happy either. But she is my truest friend, someone who will love me unconditionally. She is also one of the first people I want to see when I am oh so happy, like I am now. To the women, K, P and T, who are technically my cousins but actually my sisters, my beautiful aunts, my best girlfriends and all of the ladies who were my family in Chiang Mai and Mae Sot, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for your friendship, your light and the strengths of your character.

To say that I love women would be an understatement. I majored in Women’s Studies during my undergrad, I define myself as a feminist political geographer for my doctoral studies and I want to devote my career, whatever form it takes, working towards equal opportunity for genders and those of different ethnicities, abilities and sexualities. But I couldn’t feel this much passion if I didn’t have such great role models and for that I am eternally indebted to all of you. Much love.

6 things I wish I knew before becoming a mother

January 16, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Here are a couple of thoughts that have been on my mind for awhile. And when I say awhile I mean almost two years since I first became a mother. Perhaps it’s because I want to let them go, or to have a formal record to refer to when I have my next one, but here goes…

1. Feel safe

This is not the time to be packing up your belongings and moving homes (both things I did). You life is about to undergo a major change and this is when you need to feel the most secure and settled. Get your nursery together, build up your space, fluff those nesting feathers because you will need a solid anchor when everything is in a whirl.

2. Don’t buy into it all

When you are expecting your first child, everyone and their mother will be trying to sell you stuff. You do not need all of these things and I made a conscious effort to be as pragmatic as possible (maybe a bit too much, which I will address later). Be a smart shopper and read the reviews. At the beginning all they need are the basics and you.

3. Also get what you want

Having said the above, I do wish that I had allowed myself a couple more luxuries. People will be telling you that you will have too much after your baby showers but you know what, buy those onesies in the 0-3 size. Do what you need to do to feel prepared. That is the one thing you owe to yourself.

4. Things will change

I am seriously the person who wants to buy a Christmas ornament organizer. I want to wrap all of the little pieces in tissue and gently place them in the square boxes. I like control and when things go awry, I get frazzled, even if I pretend to be zen. When my son arrived 2 weeks early, I was thrown off base and didn’t recover for awhile. I was suddenly thrown into a new territory where my independence was gone and I was responsible for someone other than myself. It was scary but the love that I feel for him is something I feel for no one else.

5. Take comfort in the good and cut out the filler

No matter what your support system is like you will always have the worrywart who makes you question your parenting methods. Really, who needs a parrot on your shoulder echoing your own insecurities? Not me. Next time, I will tune out this chatter and draw from the good stuff. My aunt used to write me emails saying that my son was growing so much and that I was doing a good job. That is the good stuff.

6. Be gentle to yourself

Having had no younger siblings, I really had no idea what I was doing initially. Sure, I was a camp counsellor and babysat the neighbour’s kids but the youngest was a solid four year old, not a wriggling, delicate newborn. Be kind to yourself in spite of your doubts because we all struggle when we’re making our way. Make a conscious effort to take care of yourself.

The best part of it all? All of it: the sleepless nights, teething, night training and fits, they all pass. And in the end, I truly believe that your kids are the most fascinating people you are lucky enough to know.