Lighthouse

August 15, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

You will be astounded by the kindness of others when you are expecting your first child. They will throw you parties, knit you afghans and you wonder how you came to be so blessed with such good people in your life. Trust me, you pinch yourself more than once. What no one talks about at the baby shower is what I call the ‘fog.’ They don’t mention the fear and confusion that can dot the landscape of those first few months. No one will bring up how absolutely shitty times can be. Now, I’m not speaking of post-partum depression or those who only experience fairy tales and butterflies (really?) but that place in between where most of us end up. When things aren’t bad but they aren’t good either.

I call it ‘the fog’ because this phase is characterized by the struggle to form coherent thoughts and sentences. When you’re in the midst of this haze you can forget about analyzing theoretical frameworks and writing it all down. Now, I rely on critical thinking to complete my degree and this wasn’t exactly the best place to be. Suffice it to say, I was discombobulated. Feeling like you’re slowly losing parts of yourself is never pleasant. I only resurfaced and reclaimed my brain precisely when childcare was sorted, when qualified and beautiful women helped to raise my son at daycare. When these role models loved and kissed him so that I could work. This post is for them and for my early childhood educator who played a vital role in forming the individual I am today.

My former nanny usually only stays with children till they are four years old. This is strategically sound. They don’t remember her too well but are old enough to occupy themselves after nursery school and to hang out with the housekeepers. She stayed with me for two extra years and although they were wonderful, it added to the trauma when she walked away. I still remember pushing desperately at the locked gate, when I kept calling her name. She never turned around and only got further away. Her name is Moe Moe, and she is a strong, brilliant, kind woman. When she attended my second wedding reception in Yangon and I held her hand, I was happy and whole.

So all you politicians, help a sister out and invest in child care. Help women recognize themselves again and contribute to society in a positive manner. To all those North Toronto mothers, treat your Filipino nannies well. Don’t yell at her on the street. She’s a grown-ass woman and trust, it does not reflect well on you. Give her respect, a home, a room with a view and remember that she left her children to help you. That she’s a mother too.

Guy

August 11, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

There is nothing more valuable than having a guy in your life whom you don’t want to sleep with. I’m so busy wanting everyone to fall in love that I forget that there are more stable options. Without the complications of romantic feelings your guy friend can be your greatest asset and this type of connection can always remain. Well, as long as you don’t make-out at a party and things become awkward. I’m not saying that lines cannot be blurred (yuck, Robin Thicke). I can hear the naysayers now, guy and girls can never be just friends. I see it more like a colour gradient. There are some that you could cross the boundary for and others that you just do not see in that way and never will. For example, my friend S once asked me in undergrad, a couple of beers into the evening, if I would ever sleep with a certain mutual friend. I replied, yes, if I was drugged. I honestly don’t mean to be rude or unkind, nor am I making light of the date-rape drug. These are just the kind of flippant things you say in the your twenties. But the material point is that I just am not attracted to him in the slightest. And that’s great, he will always be in my life as a buddy.

I’m all for having girlfriends, the bond you have together is limitless and unconditional. You can engage with them in a way that you can never with your partner and they will be there far longer than any boy. These are the individuals who were witness to all of your lapses in judgement and still spoke to you the next day. They have your back. But a guy friend can educate you in a different way. They can shoot the shit.

I often feel that my view of romantic relationships will forever be stuck in 1998, frozen at the age of sixteen. It’s not that this idealistic naiveté has not been stomped on in several slightly mortifying instances, just that it seemingly cannot die and therefore is probably here to stay. But along the way I’ve become smarter and I mostly credit the men in my life for this knowledge. So here are three integral things that I’ve learnt from my platonic man friends. Dudes, I’m grateful.

One, guys play the game just as much as we do. Jesus Christ, how many different types of “hanging out” can there be? It hurts my head how many definitions there are to sleeping together. Sorry for my simplicity but I much preferred the clarity of high school when you were with someone or you weren’t. You like them or you don’t. What is there to figure out?

Two, in spite of the nuances of their intentions, men act in fairly straightforward ways. If they want to be with you, they will be with you. So often we believe that difficulty signifies a deeper relationship. But the more of I’ve seen of this dance, the more I see the choreographed steps. It really should not be that hard, and if it is well, there might be a reason.

Three, it’s all about timing. Who you were a couple of years ago might not have made this match a compatible one. Many a pair are formed later, when conditions are right. Finally you are both at a similar place and phase of life. When you’ve both seen enough. The sweet spot.

Although valuable, these lessons have just strengthened my resolve to be romantic. What’s better than feeling that while so many factors do go into making a partnership work, at the end of the day it’s just about being with someone. It doesn’t get more simple than that.

Clean

July 30, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

For awhile now my goal has been to deal with life in simpler terms. Too bad, so sad, move on. There is something very clean about not making a fuss and finding something else to do. But rarely does hurt get compartmentalized so easily. Our hearts do not contain an attic where you tuck away your issues and junk, never to be seen again. It always resurfaces and often at the most inconvenient times when you really want to just be over it. Why do you think there are particular steps to grieving? It’s because we as humans are not wired for clean breaks.

The most common and difficult type of loss comes in the form of death. This is when there are no take-backs and we are forced to come to terms with that hole left in our lives. When I reached my late teens I started mentally preparing for losing my grandparents. You must think that it’s very strange for someone in that life phase, which is usually when most are preoccupied with relationships, sex and cigarettes, why I would be so morbid. I don’t think I was macabre, I just knew that I would need a long lead up to not fall apart when it actually happened. Because you see, my grandparents were the two best people in the world. They helped to raise me and were the ones I looked up to the most. I’ve spoken a lot of my grandmother and her radiance, but my grandfather was also very special. He was one of the good men, a gentleman. His values made him kind and he treated every single person with respect. He also loved his family dearly and was the centre of so many lives. When I started to recognize their mortality I started to detach and with every succeeding visit I engaged with them less. It’s like I was afraid to make more memories, which would make what comes later more painful. Basically I was a big jerk and I would not recommend this to anyone. Enjoy people fully while they are still here and love the one you’re with. It’s one regret I have to carry with me always.

The worst thing you can do is not mourn properly and to let go when you’re not ready. In our society being sad is made to be a pathology, but you know what, when you lose someone it’s okay to cry loudly and hard. Now, dwelling is very different from grieving. I would just say to feel as much as you need to and then try your best to move on. They’re no longer here but I guarantee that they do want you to be happy. And real sadness behaves much like a wave. Occasionally you’ll be on the bus or about to mail a letter and there will be a trigger. Perhaps you see a flower they liked or smell their cologne. Often tears will reach your eyes but it’s ok. It’s ok to remember how much you loved them. It’s probably at these moments that they are thinking of you too.

Onwards

July 28, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

It’s when you start to dismantle your life that it becomes stripped to the bare bones. Suddenly words such as “house,” “car,” “food” appear in bold at the top of pages like puzzles ready to be solved. I’m famous for buying notebooks whenever I need to get something done. Usually they have inspirational quotes or pictures of places I’d rather be. So basically, super corny motivators that I stuff into boxes or behind shelves when I have company. Now, if I actually completed all of the tasks proposed inside the pages I would have invented Facebook. Cue the eerie but emotionally stirring Trent Reznor score. I’m teasing, but it’s funny how we all find ways to cope with tasks that we would rather not take on. These stark representations on your to-do list demonstrate not only how built up your current life is but how much will change when you have to start again. It’s also slightly disconcerting how easy it is to lose all of the weight, to travel light.

The logistics of it all is not particularly interesting and borders on the dull. You start to sell books, records and any extraranous material that you literally cannot carry anymore. It’s almost symbolic of the baggage you wish to leave behind and you become more careful to not accumulate too much till you’re good and settled, if that even ever happens.

When you begin on a new path you are no longer tethered to commitments and are beholden to fewer individuals. With the shrinking of your network the support obviously decreases but there is also the exhilarating potential for new friends, new schedules, new lives. It’s essential to frame this all as a fresh start because it can be disconcerting to lose those whom you’re most comfortable with. You enjoy their company because the guesswork of trying to connect with someone new does not exist. But it is also a way to be freed of stifling expectations and your life is more on your own terms again. You determine the PR for this round of press because those embarrassing stories do not exist, well not yet anyways.

Major life changes are always the master of taking away those minutes and hours and suddenly it’s time to go. I believe that we are not fearful of the change itself more than the spaces that were once inhabited by those who made you think and laugh. However embarrassing, the word “friends” should definitely be devoted a page of its own next to other tasks to get done. This page can help you determine clubs or other social networks that you’d like to try. You don’t expect it but over time and very organically those gaps fill and you suddenly have a very full life, much like your old one. I promise.

Etiquette

July 7, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

Rules are at the very least for the bending. Following instructions to the T will probably make you one big bore, IKEA furniture being the only exception. Your desk might fall apart if you don’t. You probably shouldn’t touch pieces of art either. Really though, where would we be without the rule breakers? Without those who did not want to be caged within convention? Non-critical people are the biggest source of frustration for my husband. He does not get them. At all. Does that make us cynical and unhappy? Probably at times. It’s easy to be happy. It’s harder to view the world with playfulness and an adventurous heart.

But you know where regulations gain more importance? Manners. I’m not saying that we return to the sitting rooms of Victorian England, but a little bit of civility goes a long way. Etiquette can regulate our behaviour positively through kindness and allow us to play the social game more effectively.

Compassion and appreciation are at the core of certain practices. For example, you write those thank you cards because you recognize people’s efforts and thoughtfulness. I also don’t care if the Queen of England has to wait, you don’t start eating till all of your guests have arrived. You don’t look down on others because you’re secure in your positioning, and perhaps recognize that dumb luck is one of factors that placed you at an advantage. That does not mean that you’re not critical of how people operate. You just have enough sense to leave it alone and choose your battles, because really, at the end of the day it’s probably none of your business. I’m pretty sure that Prince William would be the most polite person you’ll ever meet. He has nothing to lose with treating others with reverence precisely because of his privilege. It’s the insecure people who are making it difficult for everyone.

Knowing the rules also allows you to play the game more effectively. The winners circle is formed by those who can read the social signifiers and strategize where they would like to go. It’s strange because a lack of manners comes in so many different forms: racism, sexism, ableism and other types of discrimination. I’ve felt more sorry than anything else for ignorant people. I feel sad that their perspectives are so narrow and small. I hope that these viewpoints are transformed with time and experience. I always try to correct when my own intolerance is expressed. But in your daily life, even if these practices cause hurt and scars, it’s best not to engage. When Lainey describes how the comedian Chelsea Handler has publicly made so many heinous comments against Angelina Jolie, she praises the Jolie’s tactics: “Radio silence. Chelsea doesn’t exist in heaven. That’s how it’s done.” I like it. Ignorance cannot exist on the high road, on our higher ground.

Flying solo

June 25, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

Traveling alone is one of the best things you can do as a woman. It’s almost as if the positives and negatives go hand in hand. You have to consider your safety but that mindfulness forces you to build some character. Not having anyone to rely on, you learn to do things that you normally would have relegated to your partner, friend or mother. For example, I used to be awful at giving directions and it was a better option to ask a stranger on the street rather than have me read a map. Now, I am quite proficient at orienting us when we travel because I was forced to practice. I learnt to navigate street names and intersections because I had to find my way around in a strange place, often in the dark, slightly intoxicated and alone. The other benefit is that you challenge your preconceived notions about who you give the time of day. Being in a foreign country bonds individuals from different backgrounds together and it’s from these friendship that you recognize how distinctions enrich your life.

Being on my own also gave me the freedom to call all of the shots. I no longer had to consult another person and make concessions on film choices or the plans for an evening. Having been in a relationship since the age of 16 it was quite liberating. I ate alone and did not feel like a loser. But with all of that freedom from familial obligations came a whole lot of time and at some points boredom. Just like nothing good happens after 2 am nothing good comes from being idle. Lets just say that I went looking for some drama when it didn’t come a knocking. After I got that out of my system, I read a lot of books, drank some coffee, and sat in some air conditioned theatres to fill up the spaces and silences.

Within this context I spent many hours on my own. I still had my family of close friends with whom I connected with on a regular basis but this didn’t account for when I was traveling from site to site, researching and writing. Reflecting on it now there were several instances where I could have easily disappeared to never again see the light of day. But like with anything in life we roll the dice and hope for the good outcomes. I even took a romantic trip to Bali solo and ate breakfast in bed every single day. All of this is fine and good till several months into my time abroad I started preferring this state of solitude. The upside is that it’s rather peaceful to go days at a time not speaking to anyone. It was a whole lot less work that’s for sure. But when I started to view human interaction as a source of fatigue I knew I was on the precipice of some not so healthy tendencies. But there is a middle-ground between the extremes. There’s nothing worse than someone who cannot be fulfilled without some sort of social affirmation. The balance is just hard to achieve.

Please let me demonstrate the dangers of a hundred years of solitude. I recently saw a documentary called Guys and Dolls about men who buy life-size love dolls to serve as their companions. They speak to them, shower them with affection, perform sex acts and buy children’s clothes to dress them up. So, basically Lars and the real girl without Ryan Gosling to take the edge off. Now, there’s a politically correct reaction and a more honest one that I felt. Why don’t I give you both. PC: “well, that’s interesting.” Honest: “that’s some weird shit.” I have no problem with men owning dolls and I’m even fine with them assigning personality traits like meek, standoffish or traditional to them. We all have desires and enact them in various ways. Truly, I believe that as long as you’re not disrespecting or physically harming anyone there’s enough room for all of us. I am more uncomfortable with the motivations behind the ownership. Research indicates that many of these men have not been rejected by women and could probably have actual relationships, they would rather have a woman who will not speak back and whom they can fully control. They can’t achieve this with actual human beings with their flaws and multiplicities. I think that’s when your fantasies cross over to the slightly delusional and unhealthy side. When the uncertainty of life is a source of fear rather than excitement it might be time to ask yourself a few pertinent questions. In this life you cannot make anyone reciprocate your feelings or remain in love with you. Yes, people do leave but when this debilitates you it becomes kind of sad.

These stories are not be fetishized or gawked at. It’s a reality that we are continually becoming more disconnected and feelings of alienation can isolate the best of us. But perhaps instead of withdrawing completely to material cultures to cope it might be more fulfilling to try to make some contact. Join a drum circle, Amnesty international, a house league. Anything, just open the door and step outside.

Let go

June 20, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

Didn’t Joni warn us that “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?” See, when I hear it in my head it’s Janet Jackson’s version and you can catch Q-Tip reply “Joni Mitchell never lies.” And she doesn’t. But I’ve always thought that nostalgia was probably the least productive thing that you can choose to wallow in. What is more futile than fighting change? I’d rather not struggle against the wave, I’d like for it to take me to shore.

I’ve never been afraid of letting go but then again maybe it’s because I’m an immigrant. It’s like I got a lifetime’s worth of saying goodbye done and over with when I was 6 years old, when I left my loud, affectionate, beautiful extended family. When it broke a part of me. I’ve shed enough tears in all the visits since then and I’m sick and tired of it. Now I keep my goodbyes short and sweet, I get on with things and just plan on buying some plane tickets. What is it with you Burma? You keep drawing me back in. Even if I wanted you to remain, you too have changed, with all of your tall buildings and politics.

The best thing that transformation offers us is that life continues, even after people have left us, even after you have moved on, even after you make new meanings. All of my friends are moving away and so are we. We were once sheltered by the university campus, classrooms, and nights out. Then we got jobs or went to grad school, slowly accumulating more duties and responsibilities. Now many of us are packing up those exact homes in the city that protected us to start anew. It’s hard for me to define the way I’m feeling but grief is definitely part of it. Perhaps it’s because we’re older and we’re not approaching this point of transition as we did former ones. After high school you promise that you’ll keep in touch and remain friends. After university you say the same things but actually mean it and try your best. Now, I know, with slight regret that it’s going to be harder and harder to maintain these bonds. Time, distance and busy lives will start to diminish the ties, but however frayed these friendships become I know that a part of them remain. No, they won’t be the same but a different version does not undermine the love at its core. I’m not going to let them dissipate because I’m also mature enough to know that profound connections are not that easy to form. I’m not twenty and feeling like everyone will be my best friend. I have my best friends already. They’re my people. We’ll just see each other when we see each other.

I’m rather thankful for Joni’s words and they don’t make me sad. They shake me up to not take a single thing for granted.

Fundamentals

June 16, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

My husband likes to pick things up off the street. I don’t like to pick things up off the street. You know when people leave their old toys or furniture on the curb for treasure seekers, or in my humble opinion, garbage day, Andrew has no problem inspecting its quality and taking it if appropriate. I would rather die than touch any of it. Upon discussion one day I said the following:

E: That is where we fundamentally differ.

A: Right, and that’s why you’ll be bankrupt and I’ll be living in a mansion.

E: Please, if you’re not living in a mansion by now you won’t be living in a mansion 5 years from now when you divorce me.

For a married couple we use the “D” word a lot in our banter. Hmmm, is it a problem? I’m not sure so I’ll think about it later. But what this conversation does illustrate is that we are two very different people. We approach life in distinct ways that is grounded in our upbringings, histories and personalities. I almost feel sometimes that we are held together more from our common experiences than our compatibility as a couple. When you’ve known each other from a very young age your lives begin to build around each other and these roots either serve as a solid foundation or they start to strangle you. I really dislike binaries because they are so reductionist but for certain aspects of our marriage they actually describe us to a T. He’s heavy, I’m light; he’s careful, I’m not; he’s emotional, I’m in my head most of the time. Basically, on a spectrum of reincarnation he’s an old soul and I’m fairly young. These variances can bring about friction and there is more room for heated debates about our next steps. Do I think that a relationship with someone with more similar character traits be easier? Yes, of course. There are few things more exhausting than feeling like someone doesn’t quite “get” you. But I think there are positive aspects to this type of partnership. It all depends on how you frame the resistance that is bound to result from two different people choosing to make a life together.

When you think of your partnership as being a team it’s much easier to smooth out the rough edges. I honestly feel that we make up for each other’s weaknesses. If Andrew was not a part of my days, months, years, I would make so many more rash decisions and would be in a continual state of rebuilding and repairing my life. If I was not a part of Andrew’s world he would be married to his work, be so frugal and not have the levity to also enjoy the simple pleasures. I feel like we can do so many more productive and exciting things precisely because of our fundamental differences. Basically, we can get much further together than apart and that’s worth investing in.

On the brink

June 9, 2014November 10, 2014 / smithei / Leave a comment

The philosophical musings on bathroom stalls are vastly underrated. The other day I saw the following written exchange:

Q: How do you I know I’ve met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?

A: When it’s not a struggle

This made me laugh, which is slightly awkward in a washroom filled with people. In precisely 5 words this individual has articulated the crux of why people choose to cut themselves loose or to stay. Every relationship, not just marriage, requires work. I think people are better able to maintain the viability of their partnerships if they enter into it with this knowledge. The moment you start taking each other for granted is the beginning of the end.

Having said this, life is way too short to be unhappy and working to revive something that is long gone. That’s why I never view divorce as a failure or pathology. Our identities are constantly in flux and it’s not surprising that things fall apart. The end of a marriage has its own complexities with messy emotions, the exchange of assets and hurtful words. A lawyer on the “Humans of New York” site eloquently describes this process: “I’ve been a divorce lawyer for 32 years. Not too many lawyers can stomach it. Divorce brings out the bad in good people, and the monster in bad people. Everyone wants to leave the table with a piece of the other.” However, I think it’s the aftermath of the legal proceedings that’s probably even harder to bear. Every account I’ve read has expressed some form of regret which is so masterfully examined in Lionel Shriver’s novel “The Post-birthday world” and deconstructed in Sarah Polley’s film Take this waltz. Even the ultimate symbol of surviving divorce, Elizabeth Gilbert, admitted that she missed her husband in “Committed”, the follow-up to her best-selling memoir. That’s when I officially said, Liz, you just killed my buzz. After eating, praying and loving you still wonder how he’s doing? But that’s the kicker, you will probably always love someone even if you don’t want to share your life with them.

Andrew and I used to live in a building with a courtyard. Not having air conditioning our windows were always open and the fans were constantly buzzing. One night the power went out and while I’m worried about heat stroke, Andrew’s frazzled that he can’t watch “Mad Men.” He proceeds to yell out into the courtyard, “my stories, my stories” and two residents actually looked up, concerned that they are living with a crazy person. I’ve told him several times to remind me of this moment, the yelling and the “stories” if we are ever on the brink of divorce. Because it is at this exact moment that I thought he was the bee’s knees, the best, the “one.” My friend D says that you will never get through marriage without humor and it’s so true. When I picture myself as a 60 year old there are several things that I wish for and will probably work very hard to bring about. I want to be happy, I want to be at Martha’s Vineyard wearing linen, to live in Paris as much as possible, and I want to read all the time. When I picture this, I see my husband there with his wit, his wine and his serious heart. I want him to be there. That’s how I know that we’ll probably be alright.

Love letter to Chiang Mai

September 15, 2011November 10, 2014 / smithei / 2 Comments

Chiang Mai, Thailand has to be one of my favourite places in the whole world. I’m not sure if you do this but when I travel I always try to glean the “feel” of the place. It’s a very personal thing to do because attempting to pinpoint something so diffuse and contradictory like emotions definitely involves work. I believe it’s well worth the effort though, because this form of memory will stay with you long after you have boarded the flight and made your way to the next destination. Each of my favourite places (Chiang Mai, Budapest, Rangoon, London, Toronto) all have their nuances but when I strip it down they all offer a feeling of love. The love affair I have with Toronto (content, calm, friendship love) is very different from the one I have with Rangoon (longing, tear at your heart, long-distance love) but they both make me want to be there when I am not. So, the love I have for Chiang Mai is a mix of comfortable friendship and passionate annoyance. I will discuss some of the reasons why I love Chiang Mai so much and then will end with the petty stuff that makes me never want to return again.

I love Chiang Mai for its raw beauty that hasn’t been sterilized and cleaned up yet. Many of the residents are polite, friendly and accommodating; there isn’t a sense of pushiness or having to always be in a hurry. I love the used book stores near Tha Phae Gate, especially “Backstreet books” whose owner is an older Irish gentleman with great taste. He will actually point out when you are “reading rubbish”. I will always want to be sitting at Pun Pun restaurant that offers the most amazing organic vegetarian dishes. Please don’t ask me which items on the menu are the best to order because I always ordered the same combination each visit: lime juice or ginger tea, muslim salad (lettuce with cucumbers, hard-boiled eggs and tofu drenched in peanut sauce), and their roti bread. I would seriously fly back just to be able to taste their peanut sauce with flakes of real coconut and the thin salty/sweet roti bread. I love Khun Churn vegetarian restaurant and their lunch-time buffets of carefully prepared curries and salads! I don’t really care, I will admit that I love the Starbucks on Nimman that offered me great service with a smile (after awhile I didn’t even have to order my chai-tea with warmed low-fat milk because they had already rung it in), air-conditioning, relaxing music and peace.

So, like any relationship with an ounce of depth, lets keep it real and discuss why I would think twice before returning. Till I can rent a teeny tiny car to drive around in, I will have to walk in a city that is not walkable. Every sidewalk has opportunities to fall or trip, the parks can make you fall on your face during rainy season and do not even get me started on territorial street dogs. When I lived there I was terrorized by a small red-furred dog with a pointy face. Imagine a slightly bigger pomeranian that became so vocal and angry at you for just for walking on the other side of the street. She would literally cross the street to yell at me. It’s a shame because she was actually kind of cute. If I could adopt a dog I would probably adopt one that looks like her. What does that say about me that I love someone who made my life so hellish? I would literally take the long way home to avoid her pointy face. Also, if you can’t ride a motor-bike, your day can become a chain of tedious conversations in broken-Thai bargaining for a fare with the taxi-drivers.

In spite of all the inconveniences, living in Chiang Mai gave me the opportunity to meet some incredible and fascinating people. I really do miss them, especially my roommates. Anyways, like any love affair, the good usually out weighs the bad and I have a feeling that Chiang Mai will always have a hold on me.